Monday, February 23, 2009

How Not to Take Over the World

Apparently, I've slipped up and made it known about my master plan to take over the world using three and a half billion chickens. Of course the plan also required four hundred thousand drums of tar and I'm not about to divulge that information any time soon. So, for the duration of this adventure, I will happily share my failed attempts at taking over the world. You of course, are more than invited to try your luck at these potential global domination techniques, but beware; by no means did you hear it from me.

List of World Domination Plans Gone Awry:

1. Become a world renown cocaine dealer, then cut the stashes with Bisquick and rule the drug world via buttermilk expansion.

2. Blow up all fish camps and Waffle Houses to starve the South into obedience. Then, use my "Hick Army" to shop only at Wal-Mart, at which time I will have 51% ownership.

3. Hire top scientists to create a drug that triggers PMS in pro-choice lesbians, have said drug laced in Birkenstock shoes for skin absorption, then sit back and watch the hijinx. Next, I will sponsor the next Lilith Fair and give the orders to kidnap all male world leaders.

4. Collect all of America's pennies using extremely poor immigrants and proceed to drop them one by one from the Empire State building. I shall then state my demands.

5. Invent PETA.
note: this plan is apparently under way and is strangely affective. People are dumber than I thought.

6. Convince Bill Gates that Dog the Bounty Hunter is after him. Once Gates flees for Mexico, change his Myspace password and send Christine Dolce a naughty email.
note: plan not intended for world domination...but it sounds like fun.

7. Carry out plan #6, but with Denise Richards instead.

8. Star in the most famous rock band in the world, then buy all remaining XBox 360's and Playstation 3's to eliminate the competition.

9. Invent Scientology.

10. Become a high-level World of Warcraft spellcaster, then proceed with next plan for world domination.

11. Pitch an idea for a character to Seth McFarland. Let him come up with ideas for me, then map out blueprints for the most successful one.

12. Pay Tony Danza ten dollars to interrupt a presidential broadcast and confuse middle America with non-consenant sounding rhetoric while I electronically send subliminal messages to children through Lite-Brights and take over the world by controlling the next generation.

Most of these seemed like good ideas at the time, but go figure..... At least I still have my chickens.

By the way, does anyone have any ranch dressing?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Sit Right Back and You'll Hear a Tail...

Last night we strolled into Trailer Cuts for my usual job interview length and girth. I see it more like a casting couch than an office chair; bending over while the Man shows you the true meaning of customer service.
I put my own little twist of insanity wherever I go, so we decided to entertain the masses. We started talking with just about everyone there while two lesbians (one was the guy most definitely) stayed as quiet as a dog whistle in the corner waiting for their mullets to get made. One of them was my wife's cousin oddly enough.......... and still said nothing to us. She might have been embarrassed that her girlfriend looks like a boyfriend she had in February of last year. I told one of the employees in there to threaten a small oriental man who who was getting mad that his haircut made him look just like every other oriental man. I found out my friend's mom now has a boyfriend younger than me, but it's ok, she said he makes a crap load of money which in turn made me re-contemplate my own existence and then tip really, really big. The guy sitting next to me took a picture of the larger lady of the staff, then showed me a comparison of her and his best friend dressed in drag... I'm not sure what disturbed me more: the fact that they looked identical, or that he keeps those kinds of pictures close at hand to show to strangers. A girl with huge knockers and six kids decided she was going to flirt with me (I think she was 14) while the wife got her hair cut, so I humored her and told her about how much I love golden showers and ball gags (which is another blog all together).

By the way, if you ever convince an employee to cut a man in public, make sure you've already left. I filled out paperwork until 3 AM.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Cable Pays for Sexy Chickens

I recently received a job offer to work for Time Warner as a broadband technician. It's not quite the pay I was expecting; but hey, how are you gonna beat the salary of a prostitute working under the guise of a customer care rep. from Joanne Fabrics that gives rim jobs in the back storeroom for red rope licorice? Don't you judge me.

I used to send blogs into, which I suppose was a good idea at the time, even though it didn't raise my traffic at all; but that's not why I stopped sending things in. My stuff was edited too much and I personally like everything I write just the way I write it. The next time I ever decide to send my work into another website, I better own it, or at least be giving rim jobs to the owner of it.......and no, that's not an invitation......unless you gonna do it. You know, I'm pretty damn sure I have ADD, not the opposite of subtraction, the attention thing. Every time I start writing, I start thinking about something else like, How many chickens will I be able to violate in public before someone notices I forgot to wear a condom? Which reality show should I murder the cast of with Joe Pesci's shoes first? It's just things like this that makah da world go round.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Frozen Hot things & Oriental Massages

I was in a coffe shop not too long ago. For the sake of anonymity, we'll call it Joseph Cupps. I was actually in there to buy a double shot of espresso for a tiramisu that I make (lay off, I'll stop cooking when I stop getting happy endings from my neighbors). So there I was, standing there looking at their menu while waiting to be served and what do I see in the midst of the apparent excitement poking me in the eyes from said menu?
Frozen hot chocolate...

"Hold on a damn minute", I said.

"Can I help you?"

"yeah, you can tell me how in the hell you make frozen things hot."


"On the menu up there. You have frozen hot chocolate."

"yeah, it's really good."

"I didn't ask for a taste test, I want to know how it works."

Basically, I threatened to sue them for false advertisement. The entire ordeal really freaked out everyone in the place. They thought I was on drugs or something and I wasn't about to tell them they were right; That would have just thrown off my focus. By the end of the discussion, I confused the girl behind the counter to the point she started drooling. It was really just an excuse to flirt with her a little, but now that I lobotomized her, I really don't find her all that appealing.

When I got home, the neighbors loved my dessert.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day is Great for People Who Like Hearts

Well here it is, the most boring post I could possibly think of, because frankly, I don't care about any issues you or your gift card suppliers have about this day. Today is Valentine's Day, even though it's almost the day after Valentine's day, which I like to call, "Hungover and Regretfully Slept with a Drunk Hooker on Valentine's Day......Day". I didn't sleep with the hooker this time, I just even more regretfully filmed beta. But hey, why not? It's a day we should all take completely seriously in the sense that Michael Jackson takes diddling little winkies seriously. Somebody call Hallmark and tell them McCaulley Caulkin finally found work! It pays in cotton candy and balloons, but at least it's a damn job.

My wife got her first and only tattoo today which I designed. I didn't tell her yet that I switched designs just before she met Mr. Needle...and hopefully she'll never find out. See, it was originally supposed to be a little nautical star.
Well, now she has this instead:

But at least I'm the jackass this time. She kept asking why it was taking so long...

Friday, February 13, 2009

No Mexican Tonight I'm Guessing

My wife quoted to me this morning, "You're the smelly bean fart of my existence... Everything is fine until you poop a little."
I had so much to say to that...although I couldn't breath, so that shut me up a little. Why, you might ask? Because I figured out exactly where the inspiration to that one-liner originated. I smelled a bean fart. Now is the time where you ask, "Hey, Beau! What's a bean fart?" (<--see there, I set up a straw man.) Is it a fart that smells like beans, or a fart that was caused by beans? Well, let me sum it up with a really long answer. Have you ever rummaged through a full, slimy dumpster on a summer afternoon when the heat is beating down on the warm baby barf odor emanating from the cracks in the rusted shut doors, found a half eaten burrito, and decided to squeeze it to watch all of the moldy refried beans squishing out? Now take a big whiff.............

Bean fart.

By the way, If you really have ever done that, please don't tell me.