Monday, January 18, 2016

You're Sooooo Political

You have a political background or a political mind, a political family or a political viewpoint. Now tell me, where has that gotten you so far? You may be the kind of person that researches your favorite candidate for whatever office because you think they share your views, although you forget on a regular basis that the American dream is about making money, and that they're a politician. You get on the internet every day on your down time and stream hardcore furries and three girls, one jar of mayonnaise, eventually stumbling into your favorite political forums where you touch yourself the most, insulting everyone in your path that doesn't believe everything you do. You're a Cristian American. Jesus said love your enemies, but you'd love to see your enemies in flames; because "an eye for an eye". You don't believe in abortion because every life is precious, but your neighbor has kids out of wedlock, so you jump at the chance to inform them about how you're going to be sipping Margaritas in heaven while your God tortures them forever with no redeeming purpose for eternity. You'll shoot anyone who tries to take your guns away because turning the other cheek is for pussies an submitting to your governing authorities "isn't what the Bible meant". All men are created equal and you will defend that to the end, but that Mexican dude down the road looks suspicious and you'll be damned if you keep having to press "2" during an automated message while you're paying your phone bill.

With all of your Christian values, you seem to miss the point when politics are involved. There's a reason Jesus said, "Give unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's." He was never involved in the politics of the world. He didn't even scold the gays for not saying "My, what a lovely tea party." The express mission of Christianity is to keep his commandments by loving your neighbor as yourself and loving God with all their heart. Where in these commandments is the requirement for arguing which liar lies the least? You're worried about gays, racism, abortions, gun rights, taxes, welfare, foreign policies, like and share for bacon, ignore for Devil worship, but you're still missing the point. If you value what's written in your Bible, you should not ever be worried about whether or not Bob is giving Hank the reach around, you should be practicing to follow your leader, Jesus Christ. If every self-proclaimed Christian was doing this, we'd have a whole different argument about whether or not we would even need politics. Do not judge or you too will be judged. Sound familiar? Even the patriarch Paul said "What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?" Are you getting it? Based on what everything Jesus and his immediate followers said time and time again, the majority of you refuse to listen. It's all so simple and you just won't hear it, because "Muhrica".

So you still think that as a "God fearing, born again, Jesus take the wheel" conservative, liberal, independent, constitutionalist, socialist, libertarian, capitalist, rodeo clown, midget wrestler, you will make a difference? Let me give you some wisdom. A house divided against itself will not stand. you're all so busy fighting each other, you will never make a difference; but that's the point, isn't it? The government is a business, it is designed to create revenue off of you and your offspring. appointing new employees for a company you don't belong to is like trying to negotiate the last beer when you didn't buy the case. What better way of making things go the way you want than to preoccupy your clientele with flashing lights and jingly keys? It's called misdirection. Sure, at face value, you think they are supposed to serve you and your needs, but did you ever stop to think that maybe your needs don't sign their paycheck? Election campaigns are an investment. They spend millions upon millions of dollars trying to get elected, why? Because it's not about the money? Do you really think that any politician would apply for a job that pays less with more hours? Would you? Also, why would any rich affiliate donate their money to someone who would increase their taxes up to the percentage that you, as a hard-working, middle class American, are forced to pay? This is a business venture that you have a lot less to do with than you think. You lose more rights, more privileges, and more money every day and you seem to think that supporting your favorite team gets you free season tickets. How's that working out for you, "die-hard" Panther fans? ("We're kickin' ass!!" Yeah, sure you are.) Now do I really have to make a sports reference to prove to you that you just "being in favor" of something in your mind benefits you nothing in the real world? You know, the same world where David Bowie is dead and Kanye West is still alive? Buying a pair of truck nuts would at least give you something more tangible.

In all reality, you have a lot of people that want what's better for them and their families and you also have a lot of people that are more into instant gratification. We all experience both a little bit within ourselves at some point in our lives, but it takes a village. Instead of seeing who can say the word "butthurt" and "troll" the most on facebook, try living your life the way you're supposed to and let sin take its toll where it's supposed to. Try experiencing true religion by doing selflessly for others without judgment. You could start by selling that god-awful singing bass on the wall and your 10-year-old's iPhone to get your wife a vacation away from your whiney, privileged ass.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this post, which is for entertainment purposes only and serves no agenda, except for opening new avenues of thought, unless you're too busy touching yourself thinking about what political and religious views I have. By all means, keep pounding.


Friday, January 24, 2014

Shooting Craps... Done Right.

It occurred to me, an epiphany, that not only do I possess knowledge far superior to modern man, but I also have no idea how to use it. last night I coincidentally put together a combination of cheap wine and Food Lion Colby cheese as a late night snack, only to start pondering why cheese and wine is remotely even an ideal combination. Then, I remembered that the French are idiots and life started to make sense again. Nevertheless it got me thinking about it even more this morning when one of the kids wanted some of said cheese while I was enjoying a nice hot cup of stool softener.

Now, keep in mind I'm thirty-four years old. Massive amounts of cheese goes through me like a camel through the eye of a needle. Thousands of hours of painful cold sweats apparently teach me nothing. On the other hand, Mother Nature and our preferred local grocers combine forces to become Captain Planet!... No... no... That's a different show. They do, however, make for a nice regular (key word: regular) trip to the "tahlet".

With every item of sustenance we ingest, a parent's only relaxation time can transform from a broad range of a fourty-two hour birth-giving simulation to a demonstration of what happens when you put curdled milk in a Play-Doh spaghetti machine. Let's not even discuss trying to imagine wet sand being pushed out from a Super Soaker. We don't need those kinds of visuals. I don't know if anyone remembers those Wow Chips, but not as bad as that. In short, what we need to do is eat the foods we like by constantly evening everything out with other foods that counteract the effect.

Instead of drinking wine with cheese, depending on how much you eat (and in my case, it's about one wheel per sitting), you would drink large amounts of coffee. Now, the coffee would probably turn you into a Taco Bell hot sauce dispenser, so we would have to try evening that out with some chocolate-covered bananas. If that starts to make you feel sick, you're doing it right. Follow that up with some beans, like...... a lot of beans. If you throw up, by God shove it back in! We're almost at the perfect poop; you can't puss out now. Give it about fifteen minutes to let all that partially digested bean-fest to settle for the second time and begin shoveling in some bacon-wrapped steak followed by three cups of prune juice. I'm talking Solo cups people; You're not out of the woods yet. That reminds me, tree bark is high in fiber; you should find some of that and force it down with a cold glass of milk and some stale rye bread. If you're still conscious, take that trip a little farther into the forest and capture yourself at least two and three quarters Smurfs. Despite popular belief, they're really not that difficult to find. You just have to pee on yourself a little. that's their mating call... with human urine. Yeah... Now I know what you're thinking: How do you catch three quarters of a Smurf? The answer is simple: Find Cripple Smurf; he has no legs. If you can't catch that, then we seriously need to rethink your eating habits.

Eat the Smurfs raw and include the clothes. You're not a pussy, are you? Now, go to the fridge and mix together two oranges and some shark meat with a small pile of igneous rock and a few crushed cigarettes for flavor. Blend until it's got that gritty, rustic texture (kind of like Ray Liotta's face), and just down it like you lost a bet with Joe Pesci. If it's too rough going down, chase each bite with shavings from a tire and cardboard chips. (If that's not available, you can easily substitute that with basically anything from McDonald's.) Once digestion stops, you're ready for your fist fully functioning, perfectly regular brown baby boy, handed down from God Himself and passed on to you by... I guess your bowels...

If you've followed all of those basic steps, your next goal is to start doing heavy drugs because you just utterly destroyed your body, and this shit is thoroughly going to hurt a lot for the remainder of your life, which is probably about three days. You ever see that movie "From Beyond" where that guy's head is twisted off by a demon from hell? It's gonna feel a lot like that, but on the other side of your body. Enjoy!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Your Milkshake... Just Got Violated

Look at all these people nowadays that apparently can't wait to be sent to prison. Murders, thieves, child molesters, and reality television "stars" are of the many deserving of such a fate; but what we hope for as God-loving Americans is that they all get pounded like a sumo belly vigorously, via involuntary butt sex. While it's such a cruel world out there, I'm sure you can imagine a few people in your personal life that deserve this humiliating fate as well, but for the sake of argument, let's keep our attentions drawn towards all those people in the above statement so you and I both don't seem like horrible people. I mean..... you totally are, but don't try to drag me down with you. I'm here to make you laugh, not give you the gruesome visuals you just had about your ex.

Now, I can only imagine what's going through someone's mind when they're getting pole positioned by a "fellow" inmate by the name of Bull with a tattoo on his left butt cheek that says "Mom" in the dead silence of the D block (Ironically, everybody in the D block... gets the "D"), but wouldn't it be an even worse fate if you had music playing in the background that proverbial back door break-in nightmares are made of? Could you imagine trying to block out all the snuggle struggle moments of your life as a fresh fish, only to have all of those fond memories that you suppressed resurface when you hear some easy listening on the car stereo on your way to the DMV? (See what I did there? Going to the DMV is basically the same thing.) Some people are afraid of heights. You're now afraid of Cindy Lauper.

So what I did was compiled a list of the top ten worst songs you could possibly hear while being prison probed. Enjoy.

10.) Barry White - Can't Get Enough of Your Love

"I don't know, I don't know why..." On second thought, he knows exactly why. You're getting your black cherry picked by a professional fart hole farmer.

9.) Marvin Gaye - Let's Get it On

Giving yourself to me can never be wrong, if you got some lube. I mean come on. this one's a given. There's no way you can retain even a shred of self respect if this is being shoved in your ears while other things are being shoved..... you get the picture.

8.) Father Figure

I mean seriously... you'll be calling him daddy before the day is done, or he'll most likely trade you to his buddy "Horsecock" for five cigarettes and a magazine. You should be proud; most prison bitches only go for three.

7.) Ebony and Ivory - Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney

Isn't this one just hilarious? Stevie didn't even see this one coming.

6.) Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams

Who am I to disagree? Some of them definitely want to abuse you... The melody to this song almost makes you want to outfit 'em with carnival attire. Although there's nothing astonishing about  this elephant stampeding in your center ring.

5.) Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On

I don't care where you're from; you know the theme from Titanic and every time you
think of that damn movie, you picture that annoying scene with ol' girl's hand sliding down
the steamy car window. Now you have something new to imagine. Sweet dreams!... Wait,
we already covered that one. Jesus Christ, you'll never sleep again, my friend.

4.) Survivor - Eye of the Tiger

You can't say that this song isn't one of those classics that people still enjoy listening to. This is
workout music at its best. It makes you feel like you're on top of the world. You've got more
stamina, more energy, you get your own montage... Now put that in your scenario. Clubber
Lang isn't going to let up for a while; you might as well book your infirmary appointment well in

3.) John Mellencamp - Hurts so Good

White bikers straight out of the 70's. My thoughts exactly. Sometimes love don't feel like it should.
... It really doesn't..... It reeeaaaaally doesn't.

2.) Whitesnake - Is This Love

I can tell you this... That's not love you're feeling. That's jizz.

...and finally, and by God you best pray this isn't playing at your wake, per chance you die from
being impaled by the black stallion's bowling ball-sized anal bead.

1.) Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire

All I can say is... listen to the lyrics. Just listen to the lyrics. I don't need to explain it to you.

I hope you enjoyed this little adventure of ours, and I also hope you enjoyed being manipulated into
picturing prison rape the entire time. You're welcome for that. Even if you go to prison and get
raped in awkward silence, you're still going to think about one of these songs in your head mid-coitus
anyway. Did you really think you were getting away that easily?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Reality of Super Mario

You'd think video games used to be simple. Back in the day, you had a joystick with one button. After that, you had a direction pad with two buttons. Now you've got two kids, a nagging wife, and no money left for the strip club, a direction pad, two sticks, a kick start, four plug outlets, a Dolby surround sound speaker system, and eighty-three buttons. Things get more complicated as the years go by. Run, jump, hit that block, kick that turtle, straddle that flagpole... The goal was easy; Get to from the left side to the right side before the clock runs out. (Isn't it odd the movie 'In Time' mimics perfectly what happens when the timer reaches zero?)

Nowadays, it seems like everything has to have a story. There needs to be character development, rich environmental eye candy, nonstop f-bombs, lies about cake, something about... hot coffee... No more up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. We need achievements, unlockables, 3-dimensional concept art, and eighteen hundred difficulty settings (If you make it through sex nuts & retard strong nightmare mode, it unlocks FML mode). The mystery in all of this is... what if the older games really did have a story behind them? What if there's a deeper meaning behind the games we grew up with? What if Super Mario Bros. was more than just an innocent 8-bit run to the end?

 Mario has no life. He lives in Brooklyn as a plumber. Pretty simple concept, but that won't really make for an excellent and compelling game. Mario bunks with his brother Luigi, but Luigi has a severe crack addiction. He's as skinny as can be and fidgety; afraid of his own shadow. Mario wants to help somehow, but he has no idea where to begin to assist his brother in kicking the habit, so he does what any plumber in New York would do in his situation... He spends his power bill money on a bag of mushrooms. Mario loves these little chunks of cow patty fungus so much, he even puts them in his spaghetti just before he rides the go-karts down the street. His bills are piling up so fast, he feels like he's just flushing his life (and all of his green) down the tubes. He has to get away somehow, and these magic mushrooms always do the trick. They make him feel eight feet tall, like he can do anything.

Mario imagines himself in a magical kingdom with castles...and turtles. He calls it the mushroom kingdom. Every day is bright and sunny and there are gold coins everywhere! His financial problems are over! But what's this? The mushrooms are coming to life and walking around! He'll have to stomp on them all. No one's going to take his coins. He has to... What was it he had to do again?

Mario gets so mad at the little mushroom monsters, he begins to spit fire. The fire represents his pent up rage. The turtles attack from the right... well, of course they come in from the right... Mario's unsure of what will happen next, so he sees blocks with giant question marks on them. He feels like he can do anything with these mushrooms. He feels stronger; more lively. (In reality, Mario runs around, punching brick walls with limp and bloody hands.) More mushrooms come out of the blocks. He grows bigger, like Alice in Wonderland. He wants to keep on doing this forever, so now green mushrooms also come out of the blocks. Mario feels great, like nothing can stop him. He's invincible. he's a bright shining star that flickers like a strobe light as he goes for the flag pole. (In reality, Mario is making a fool of himself on the main stage at the strip club. He sees fireworks as he spappies on the Asian business men in front of him.)

He finally reaches the castle! A little talking mushroom tells him that the princess is in another castle... Princess?? Mario thinks back to all the times he's chased after women just to get a taste of some peach, but he's struggled all his life to find the woman of his dreams; a beautiful princess, just to find she's always out of reach.

Mario begins to call himself "Super" Mario. He's been on a diet of mushrooms and flowers out of people's front yards, trying to get to the "princess".
He calls them fire flowers. Traveling from castle to castle, collecting all the coins he finds laying around, stuffing into his pockets various items like mushrooms, feathers, frogs, dead raccoons, whistles, dry leaves, and not to mention poor defenseless turtles that he throws at people from his car, Mario needs more mushrooms... just another little boost of super strength...

The world he sees becomes everything from a land where everything is gigantic, to a land of chocolate and cookies; doughnuts and cupcakes. (in reality, Mario crawls along the floor of a candy shop with a dead bird in his hands, plucking the feathers and pretending like he's flying.) He keeps thinking about those turtles and how much he hates them. He becomes so paranoid about the turtles, he suspects there's a giant one guarding the princess, keeping him from his sweet, sweet piece of tail.

Wandering aimlessly around the mushroom kingdom, Mario gets so lonely. He takes a dead frog from his pocket and starts talking to it, calling it "Toad". He needs a little buddy, like a dinosaur that could reach out with his tongue and find him more mushrooms (In reality, Mario is licking the toad).

Day and night, he crawls around the sewer system, continuing his search for the princess. All of these magical pipes are so confusing, there's got to be a way to warp out of here... Mario blows his magic whistle (In reality, he's trying to start his car) and is somehow transported to a Kart race along a road made of beautiful rainbow. everyone is trying to get to the finish, throwing bob-ombs, banana peels, and red shells at his Kart (In reality, Mario is being chased by several cop cars). Mario finally makes it to the finish, and the mushroom Kingdom celebrates, setting off fireworks. (In reality, Mario jumps out of the car and is shot all to hell by the police as people stand around and stare at the wounded plumber's blood-stained, blue overalls.)

"What a crazy son-of-a-bitch." said officer Bird.

"You said it, Birdo." replied Lieutenant Bowser. "I'm just glad we took that bastard down before he crashed straight into the Yoshi Dragon Chinese restaurant."

Mario's fans adorned their hero with a medal for winning the race to save the Mushroom Kingdom from the Evil King Koopa. (in reality Officer Bowser slaps handcuffs on the lunatic plumber.)

Days later in the real world, Mario's brain had been so damaged by all kinds of narcotics and hallucinogens, that he now sits in a padded room wearing a straight jacket, laughing hysterically and shouting "It'sa me, Mario! Woo hoo! Woo hoo!"

Stay tuned next time for the Adventures of Luigi's "Mansion".

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I'm Tired of tasting Your Rainbow

I was having a conversation with a friend on facebook the other day and their post was about gay rights. I think you can already see where this is going. Since I haven't pissed anyone off in a while, I feel it's an obligatory prerogative to keep the proverbial ball rolling. Keep in mind, this is one of those oh, so delicious topics that will unmistakeably piss someone off no matter what you say, so I've decided not to talk about  gay rights, even though I cum when I piss people off.

Throughout American history, blacks, women, gays, and animal lovers (and when I say lovers, I probably mean folks in Tijuana, but not necessarily. The best part about that is that I just made you imagine a woman blowing a donkey without saying it outright... and if that didn't work, I just said it outright, so you're welcome; and get that big veiny donkey penis out of your brain, you damn pervert.) .... where was I. Oh yes... blacks, women, gays, and animal lovers have been fighting for equal rights of some kind and I'm not any one of those. I'm a white male; the only person in America that loses rights on a daily basis because all anyone else has to do is claim that I discriminated against them about their sex, skin, beliefs, or lifestyle; which makes me the most discriminated against person on the planet by American standards, but that's a topic for another time.

The topic at hand is not about gay rights, but instead about gay "pride". I understand that if you're going to live a certain way, the last thing you need to be is ashamed of it. Go big or go home, I guess (this time I'm not talking about penises). Whatever your moral standing, or whichever standards of right or wrong you live by, you should at least live it with a sense of confidence. Not to say you shouldn't be humble at times and open to correction, but blatant pride in anything is stupid at best. Today's topic isn't even about the psychological effects of pride; imagine that. To be honest I'm thinking about instantly changing the subject to the economic development of donkey shows in America, now that you can't get that huge, hairy donkey scrotum out of your head. Seriously, you should forget about that and let me get back on topic.

I, personally, am not gay. There's no reason for me to hate gays. To me, being gay is like a smoker vs. a non-smoker, or someone who doesn't wear underwear. I absolutely hate mushrooms, but is there reason for me to hate people who love to eat them? ... maybe.... My point is, Having sex with the same sex is just something gays like to do. I have nothing to do with what they like to do, so why should I impose myself onto their personal habits. I bite my fingernails, but I don't see a coalition conspiring to convince America that God hates nail biters. God hates all sin, and yes I believe homosexuality is a sin, but I also believe smoking is a sin, which includes myself, so why, oh why would I completely ignore the fact I like to do something I believe is wrong, yet abhor people that do something that doesn't even involve me. To be honest, I know smokers who really piss me off, but every gay I've ever met has always been pleasant to be around. Still thinking about that donkey penis? Good. Today's topic isn't about homosexual religious convictions either. Jesus Christ why don't I get with it already?

What I want to talk about is how much it pisses me off that some gays shove their sexual preference in my face. what do I mean by that? I'm talking about things like gay pride parades and over-the-top flamboyancy; things that don't need to be out in public. Why? Let me explain. Sex is fun of course. I'll admit, I for one put it at the tippy-top of my list of things to do for the day; but like any respectful person should, I keep my sex life private, behind closed doors. I don't have parades honoring the fact that I like to put my junk in my wife's trunk. I mean.... I should... I totally should... but I don't. I don't because my sexual preference and/or lifestyle doesn't need to be out in the streets, and neither does anyone else's.

"heh, heh... Donkey show..."

The fact remains that if you either like to smoke pole or munch the sideways sloppy joe and you have the same parts, it's still a sexual preference. I'm not arguing whether or not it's a choice. It is a choice you make, but it's also not a choice whether or not you want to be that way. Like I said, I hate mushrooms, but I can't consciously make the choice to like them, because I don't. You can't just make yourself like something you don't like. Where's your free will now, fundamental christians?

My point is, sex, whether it be with a man or a woman, should be a private matter. Putting your gayness in a public setting, just because you're prideful of it, is imposing on me details about your sex life that I didn't ask for. That's the thing. What about kids? Do they need to know about total strangers' sex lives? "Oh, it's okay honey. They're just putting on this parade to show who they like to have sex with."


"Because they want everybody to know."


"Because it makes christians mad."


"Because they think God hates fags."

"What's a fag?"

"It's a cigarette; now shut the f*ck up and look at the floats."

"What's f*ck?"

"It's what these guys like to do to each other, hence the parade. God, what are you, stupid?"

"I'm 3."

Then people wonder why I'm having this conversation with a total stranger's child. Hey, she asked. What was I supposed to do? Ignore the kid and be rude?

I hope you've read all the way through this post and understand, like I'm telling you now, that I feel no need to debate nit-picky issues and that being said, I'm not going to. If your opinion is negative in any way, your comment will never see the light of day here, so good luck with that. This post had the intent of opening avenues of thought and to make you laugh a little; it will not in any way shape or form fuel your agenda, no matter your stance.......... DONKEY PENIS!!