DC Comics Negates My Ability to Count With the New 52

To clear the air in so many words, this article may appear smooth and fluid, but that's really only because I am. I wouldn't quite call Taco Bell Mexican food per se, but it wouldn't be lying to consider it a class four narcotic, in that it places you ever so softly in another plane of existence where poop and farts are the same thing. Do you remember the Bog of Eternal Stench in the Labyrinth? Imagine instead of you falling into it, it falls out of you...very quickly.







Getting into the subject matter at hand. DC comics has announced that it would be rebooting a crap ton of titles, starting the issues off at number one. This has been circulating around the internet for some time and I'm just getting around to writing about it now because, well, I have a life and I get laid on a regular basis. DC is calling this the New 52. You can see a video about it here. You can also see another completely unrelated video here. (Just for the sake of argument, there are probably millions of people that don't know DC stands for Detective Comics; and to say DC Comics is actually saying Detective Comics Comics. Whether you care to know this little crumpet of information is irrelevant. The mere fact that you read it gives you a better chance of never unlearning it. You're welcome.)

Being a Batman fan (and professional funeral home voyeur), I'm not only infuriated that now I have to make yet another separator for the newly numbered Batman titles, I'm even more disappointed that those rich bastards at DC didn't have the decency to at least take the issues to #1,000. With Detective comics alone, they only had about ten years and three more young boys in tights to go. By that time they'd almost have a complete cast for Swan Lake. I was told by several gas station restroom informants that this is mainly just a hail mary pass by DC to get their numbers up. DC says it's to introduce new readers with a fresh start so they can feel more welcome into a brand new series. I say it's because corporations enjoy taking huge, watery yet chunky dumps into the interests of the consumers to see how much loose Taco Bell s*#t they can get away with. The worst part is that they don't even give you napkins to wipe your fan boy mouth off while you're shoveling in their recycled, corn infested crap... I think I saw a peanut in there somewhere too...

On the bright side, DC is revamping a lot of the character costumes, cover logos, and in the middle of every issue, a splash page of Dan Didio bending over and showing you his bare ass with the word "SUCKER" in bold lettering at the top; because let's face it, if you're into heroes like Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and Clint Howard, you'll pretty much buy anything with their face on it.

Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife

It might be more practical to hide yo defense attorneys.
 

The Battle of the Century: Batman VS Jesus Christ

There have been many heroes throughout history; some from a fictional world where anything can happen, some from the real world where anything rarely happens, and some from Connecticut. One of my favorites of all time is Batman, the Dark Knight himself. Batman is not only one of the world's greatest martial artists, arguably the world's greatest detective, and the protector of Gotham City, but thanks to his appearances in the Justice League, he has also had a hand in saving the world/universe/multiverse countless times.



On the other side of the Red Sea, we have what some believers would call the Savior of the world, the Redeemer of mankind, the King of the Jews, the Son of God, the Messiah, that guy, and sometimes Alex..... Jesus Christ. Some Atheists and non-believers would argue whether or not Jesus even lived, but somehow everyone agrees Dragon Ball GT still exists. Apples and oranges...





I saw a post somewhere about who would win in a fight, Batman or Jesus. The winner is clear in this scenario; Jesus is a Quaker. There's no real comparison between who is a better fighter, so I chose to compare the super sleuth and the super jewth by who is the better savior/hero overall. I'll try to be as fair as I can be and give each characteristic I find worthy of the title points from a 1-10 basis and comparing the total at the end.

So, here goes; the Battle of the Century: Batman vs. Jesus Christ!





Jesus: Gets his father, God to forgive the sins of the world - 10 points
Batman: Gets his butler to wash his tights - 3 points

Jesus: "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. I shall repay." Jesus lets his dad do his fighting for him - 2 points
Batman: Vows to take vengeance against all evil doers, so good people don't have to suffer loss like he did -
             10 points

Jesus: Willingly gets beaten mercilessly to save the world (that takes some balls) - 7 points
Batman: Kicks much ass to save the world - 8 points
JFK: died in a car - 3 points

Jesus: God is his co-pilot - 9 points
Batman: a young boy in pixie boots is his co-pilot - 2 points

Jesus: Takes the wheel for country singers that also sing about slashing tires and busting headlights with a
          Louisville Slugger - 5 points
Batman: takes four wheels and builds his own car - 7 points

Jesus: turned water into wine - 6 points
Batman: turned a cave into a museum - 5 points

Jesus: Told Satan where to shove it - 8 points
Batman: used to call his partner "old chum" - 1 point

Jesus: Took on many disciples to carry on his work - 7 points
Batman: Took on many disciples to carry on his work - ....... 8 points

Jesus: saved a prostitute from being stoned - 4 points
Batman saves a multitude of prostitutes nightly - 6 points

Jesus: Takes a stab in the dark and accuses Judas of betrayal - 10 points (the odds he would be right was
          astronomical!)
Batman: compiles clues, evidence, and educated hypotheses before making accusations - 9 points

Jesus: Born from a virgin - 9 points
Batman: born from the result of his parents being murdered - 7 points

Jesus: possibly had a bitchin' beard - 6 points
Batman: had no beard - 3 points

Jesus: walked on water and saved Peter from drowning - 8 points
Batman: did not walk on toxic chemicals to save the Joker - 2 points

Jesus: was followed by thousands and thousands of people daily for free food and some quick healing -
          7 points
Batman: is followed by no one... if they know what's good for 'em - 8 points

Jesus: could make a blind man see - 7 points
Batman: made this man go blind... See? - 6 points

Jesus: befriended sinners - 5 points
Batman: beats up lawbreakers - 5 points

Jesus: died and came back - 10 points
Batman: Superman is his b*tch - 10 points

Jesus: Was sickly and unsightly, then eventually was unrecognizable as a man; tortured by Roman soldiers and
          spat on by Jewish Pharisees. After all was said and done, he died a virgin. - 2 points
Batman: Banged Catwoman, Talia al Ghul, Silver St. Cloud, Jezebel Jet, Vicky Vale, and thousands of other hard-bodied supermodels - 385,546,745 points.



Oooooooh, (inhales through teeth), sorry Jesus.

One thing you have to know about the hero is that he always gets the girl.

Osama Bin Laden Dead

Apparently the guy's dead. Here are my sources:




*holds up middle finger*

The Situation on The Trump Roast: Bombed like Hiroshima

I haven't seen anyone try to tell jokes and fail as bad since Jesus told everybody he was just kidding. My wife and I watched the Roast of Donald Trump last night and let me tell you, most of it was pretty funny; but the embarrassment that this no-talent greaser "the Situation" faced was almost too horrible to watch. I thought everyone had some good jokes, including Seth McFarland and Anthony Jeselnik (which was my personal favorite for the night.), but then, out of the blue, I notice this guy cast as one of the roasters, who looks like an orange Julius come to life, make the most awful jokes I've ever heard. The Situation got nothing but silence and boos from the crowd; something I've never seen on a celebrity roast. Where's Greg Giraldo when you need him?



I absolutely have to know who hires the cast for these roasts, so I can skin him alive and roll him around in a pile of salt. Are you serious? I've never seen the Jersey Shore, but How popular could it have been with a bunch of oompa loompas dancing around lifting their shirts for the cameras? I've seen more laughs at Larry King's blood work results than I saw during his sliver of time. Is Hollywood really that short on people that can tell a decent joke?





For the record, I'm only writing about this because I'm drunk. Otherwise, I wouldn't be giving Jersey Shore grease balls the attention.