Dionne, Rosie, & Me....& a Unicorn

My wife asked her sister if "plumpy" was a word. She said, "of course it is". "Use it in a sentence."
"Rosie O'Donnell is very plumpy." Her speechless reaction simply said to me, "Either I'm a moron or she is". I'm joyous over that. I have something to keep her occupied with while I scheme an outline on how I can convince her that paper cards with drawings of really weird crap can tell the future, especially if you cut the deck. I hope no one's thought of that yet.

What ever happened to psychic friends? I had a few that said they cared....about my ongoing phone service, but if they were really my friends, they'd call me once in a while. I haven't heard from Dionne in years. I wanted to be a psychic friend, but of course I'd have to do it my way. I would have the best gimmick that $2.99 per minute could buy. I'd be a mime with anger issues. I could totally cuss people out and they'd stay on the line to keep asking me what I said. Of course eventually the customer would hang up, but I'm a mime, I'm above that.


Mimes don't need people to approve of their lifestyle. We have a dignity and self respect that surpasses that of normal individuals. We can climb ropes, pull things toward us, and be trapped in a box in a single afternoon. Plus, we don't even need the first amendment. We even pretend to cry just to get the sympathy of children and their lower middle class parents, so we can brag to our friends at the coffee shop in the middle of their poetry and bitching about the government........

until one day....



we're impaled by unicorns.

ABC Family's Ping Pong Ball Trick

My wife was strangling me to the tune of ABC family last night. After she helped me up and stitched up my knife wound, I got the privilege of watching the baby while she embedded her reminiscing eyes on teenagers in high school making sweet love to Miley Cyrus albums; so of course I watched intently....until I heard one of the children talk about one of the cheating guys and referred to him by coining the phrase "giving him oral". (The name of the show is called The Secret Life of the American Teenager. ) Here's my dealio and allow me to explain myself at an arms length. Fist of all, this is ABC Family. The only thing a drama depicting a pregnant teenager is doing for the family is expanding it. Secondly (and this is how I think outside the Styrofoam container), This girl is around fifteen years old or so, I haven't looked that far into it. We are witnessing on ABC Family the after effects of child pornography. So I guess it's a sickness to watch it, but it's a FAMILY issue to talk about it?!?! Let me get down to the inner workings of my head for a minute (and I'm about to defend the super geeks of America). So let me get this straight, a little girl that got her pooter diddled at the supple age of 15 or 16, is somewhat seen as morally wrong, but is supported because she has a sh*tty life ahead of her (that's how sellfish people see it anyway), but a 35 year old man that lives with his parents and has no sex life (outside www.cheeksforgeeks.com ) and especially no kids as a result, is frowned upon somehow because he has a sh*tty life ahead of him. This country is a sexist bastard. Anyway, I'll leave you with this image...



Getty Lee nude on a leather couch spreading mustard and rice patties all over Ving Raimes for three dollars.

Your welcome.

Pantera Bread Beats Crapplebee's

Ah, Pantera bread, my favorite place to get my Phil of some of the best Vinny Paul Bread bowls I could possibly get for a Dime Bag. We drove by this place tonight. Apparently I wasn't the first person who thought of the idea, but I shopped the picture, so make sure to order the Planet Caravan hair grease and microphone spit burger, before they run out. Or come on back in our VIP section where we offer up a room chock full of virgins and invite you to "cherry pick" the selection. But what about Rex, you say? The hell with Rex. We only named the cold, stale rolls we bring out as appetizers after him.

He didn't come to the team meeting.




This morning was an inside and highly embarrassing moment for myself and the Mrs. when I remembered that today was our anniversary at around 10:30 or so. We both forgot, but I get extra points because I'm a guy and I remembered before she did. I am now the "Mickety Man", or Charles Kuralt . One of them definitely. We went to Applebee's, and I'm guessing I ordered the chewy pubic steak, because that's what I got. She apparently ordered the "we peed on your chicken".
I like Applebee's because they claim to serve both men AND women....or they are men and women; and that's a plus. Restaurants should always have people in them. They're even nice enough to leave you completely alone and at peace when you come through the door.........for about ten minutes or so. The employees walk by and pretend that you're not there, but that's all part of the act. I heard it was one of those places where everybody kids around like that. One of them told me they didn't care about the customers, but I know better. I just giggled at his joke. Odd how he kept a straight face though. The only thing I couldn't figure out was the welcome mat...
















I wonder what it means.






Don't be a douche. Give me a smiley face!....Or at least leave a comment for your local Pantera Bread solicitors. We care a hell of a lot more than Applebee's or we'll break your f#!&ing arm!

Turning a Blind (Brown) Eye

One of my dream jobs is to do sketch comedy. I would absolutely love to get some people together and start a web show; but please, no more blind people. They always break the fourth wall. I don't know how many times I've told these people the script is on the computer and they suddenly have a slight problem because they can't read braille on a monitor; which I suppose leads me to my subject for the day. Have you noticed lately how many inappropriate places braille is actually conveniently put these days? The other night, we drove up to an ATM and the keypads had braille on them......ahem.....a DRIVE THROUGH ATM!!! who the hell is driving and how do they know the braille is even in English before they get there?! Do we have super blind people now that can see perfectly? Shouldn't we just call them "people"?!




That's just the dumbest thing in the world. no wait. I take that back. THIS is the dumbest thing in the world...






Shouldn't this little piece of information be on the actual toilet and not on the wall? Some blind guy will walk up and say, "hey, it says toilet, I guess it's right here.", so he starts pissing right there in the hallway while the deaf people point and laugh (of course, someone will have to get their attention by waving their arms frantically). Not only that, this fine establishment is implying that blind people should by default be in a wheelchair. That's pretty damn discriminatory. So you're telling me that this place has a handicapped stall big enough for this poor blind fellow, his wheelchair, and his dog? how's he gonna be able to tell if there's diarrhea splattered all over the seat? Not only that, how would his dog let him know? Most importantly, how will this unfortunate blind cripple get his seeing eye companion to stop drinking out of the toilet so he can tinkle?!?!

Apparently I'm going to have to call in an expert on the subject.




This ol' fart right here.

Like Shooting Fish in the Chest

I'd normally think the fish would have to be dead in order to pull that off. Anyone have any dead fish I could shoot in the chest? Don't worry, they won't feel a thing.....until I make zombie fish. The only problem with organizing a global campaign involving zombie fish is that they're pretty limited as to how much dry ground they can cover. None, actually. I've tried to remedy this little flaw by providing my fish minions with guns so they can shoot right out of the water, but the gun just sinks to the bottom when I drop it in the water, and the fish just swim around. Hell, they don't even have teeth...so they couldn't even bite you if you were in the water.

Alright so it wasn't a carefully thought out plan.


But in all of these "trial and error...and more error...and yet even more error" situations, I've come up with something that will revolutionize the industry of its related field. I call it, "The Garbage Bag Box Bag".

I know what you're thinking: "how does it work?" Well, I have somewhat of a more complex answer than what you might expect from me. There's a very paradoxical qualm that me and my other three personalities experience regarding garbage maintenance, usually around 2:00 in the morning, when I put the voices on their 15 minute break. Have you ever noticed that you buy a box of trash bags, then eventually you run out and so you discard the empty box in the remaining trash bag...which is why I'm inventing the Garbage Bag Box Bag. It's a box of garbage bags that comes in a bag itself, utilizing the concept of what's trash and what's not. See, this way it's not like throwing away the trash bag container in the trash, it's like you're initially just pulling trash bags out of the existing trash. For me it's a lot less confusion, plus you get an extra bag out of it; but I think with at least a few of you, your head just exploded.

If you don't want to have to invent super cool household accessories, then you better start preparing for the zombie fish invasion. A few of them learned how to nibble away crud from in between the toes. They got that goin' for them. I hope that's not Scott Baio's feet. on the left.