The Power of Wood Compels You

Last night we took a drive to the local drive in theater down the road from my wife's parents house. The Mummy and Hellboy II were playing and those were actually two movies that I'd been waiting to see. Hellboy I really didn't have much to say for. Sure, it was weird, like being drunk and singing a sad song next to a giant fish stick; but I wasn't impressed and I impress easily. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer I thought was a slightly better movie. It had little Asian girls and a happy ending....for me....about an hour into the movie. During the rest of the movie I was kind of sleepy.
One of the first scenes (don't worry, no spoilers) was narrated, describing the Emperor's powers as having power over, "fire, water, air, wood, and metal" or something to that effect. I thought to myself...."I have that power"(I talk aloud when I think to myself). My wife said, "which one?". "Air."
"I thought you were gonna say wood, followed by some perverted comment about your junk." "No honey, that's your power".
Of course one thing led to another, then finally....she ran to the restroom with diarrhea. I heard, "I have to go and I don't know how long I'm going to be."
At this moment right now, she's looking at me with those eyes only a husband could love, so I better change the subject before I become a fish stick.

I would recommend going to the drive in whenever possible. For us, it was $7.00 per carload, if you have to pee, you're already outside, plus all of the kids are uglier and much, much fetter than your own, so you can at least feel good about that part. I get new experiences every time we go to the drive in. Last night I saw more Earnhardt stickers than ever before in my life. I saw muffin tops galore, more chins than a Chinese phone book, the filthiest bathroom in southern North Carolina, and more condoms on the ground than inside Courtney Love's stomach. It was a veritable book of records in a mere two or three acres.

For the eleventh or twelfth time in my life I realize how good I really have it. I don't have a mullet and a collection of Budweiser hats, so I'm still ahead of the game.