Tuesday, August 23, 2011

DC Comics Negates My Ability to Count With the New 52

To clear the air in so many words, this article may appear smooth and fluid, but that's really only because I am. I wouldn't quite call Taco Bell Mexican food per se, but it wouldn't be lying to consider it a class four narcotic, in that it places you ever so softly in another plane of existence where poop and farts are the same thing. Do you remember the Bog of Eternal Stench in the Labyrinth? Imagine instead of you falling into it, it falls out of you...very quickly.

Getting into the subject matter at hand. DC comics has announced that it would be rebooting a crap ton of titles, starting the issues off at number one. This has been circulating around the internet for some time and I'm just getting around to writing about it now because, well, I have a life and I get laid on a regular basis. DC is calling this the New 52. You can see a video about it here. You can also see another completely unrelated video here. (Just for the sake of argument, there are probably millions of people that don't know DC stands for Detective Comics; and to say DC Comics is actually saying Detective Comics Comics. Whether you care to know this little crumpet of information is irrelevant. The mere fact that you read it gives you a better chance of never unlearning it. You're welcome.)

Being a Batman fan (and professional funeral home voyeur), I'm not only infuriated that now I have to make yet another separator for the newly numbered Batman titles, I'm even more disappointed that those rich bastards at DC didn't have the decency to at least take the issues to #1,000. With Detective comics alone, they only had about ten years and three more young boys in tights to go. By that time they'd almost have a complete cast for Swan Lake. I was told by several gas station restroom informants that this is mainly just a hail mary pass by DC to get their numbers up. DC says it's to introduce new readers with a fresh start so they can feel more welcome into a brand new series. I say it's because corporations enjoy taking huge, watery yet chunky dumps into the interests of the consumers to see how much loose Taco Bell s*#t they can get away with. The worst part is that they don't even give you napkins to wipe your fan boy mouth off while you're shoveling in their recycled, corn infested crap... I think I saw a peanut in there somewhere too...

On the bright side, DC is revamping a lot of the character costumes, cover logos, and in the middle of every issue, a splash page of Dan Didio bending over and showing you his bare ass with the word "SUCKER" in bold lettering at the top; because let's face it, if you're into heroes like Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and Clint Howard, you'll pretty much buy anything with their face on it.