Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween is Like Wal-Mart Cosplay

It's again one of those days that are supposedly there to either fatten wallets or entertain innocent children by doing things that don't normally make sense in any other context. Halloween is one of these "special days" among our all-time favorites like Saturnalia, Gluttony Day, Catholic Cherub Day, Abnormal Rabbit Reproduction Day, and the ever famous "It's Alright to Be a Drunk Today Day". We help that one out by "celebrating" Show Your Boobs for Beads Day and Mexican Alcoholic Day.

I'm known to be a dick for not celebrating holidays because it's my perogative to inform lonely people on Christmas that it has nothing to do with Jesus and they don't have to kill themselves because they don't have any family. Some people in my area will be upset tonight because it's raining. It's such a bitch to have to regret spending all that money for costumes for your greedy children and money on candy for greedy children you don't know, but that's what you get for thinking today is any more special than another.... plus there's that issue with candy being five times cheaper tomorrow and I'll be reaping the Reese's creamy goodness.

Of course my child was also subject to such nonsense because she lives in America, ergo she's subject to be dressed up like somebody's doll for entertainment, kind of like putting clothes on a dog. She'll be taught sooner or later to "say no to tradition", or in the words of christian America, be a dick like me. It's tough to have to explain to people that either I don't celebrate pagan holidays, their holidays just aren't that important to me, or I don't believe in Santa Claus. It's that last one that really puzzles the christians. Don't get me wrong I do believe in God, it's just the christians don't accept me into their little elitist group because I can prove that God doesn't torture people in literal fire forever. That's actually a pagan belief too, but that's a blog for another time. This one was supposed to be about Halloween, but for some reason I forgot math part way through.

Anyway, if you want to dress up and take your kid out to meet strangers and their candy, have at it. If you just need an excuse to be drunk with a bunch of other drunks, be my guest. If possibly you're really, really ugly and you're just trying to fit in...........I'll meet you there; But there's really no justification for trekkies today. You know you wear that outfit all the time.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Nothing Report @ Wiki Answers For the Win

Behold, The Nothing Report is now on Wiki Answers, defeating the most simple of questions.....Well... I'm on there.

I'm going by the user name "BailNobra", just because it's my favorite Robot Chicken clip; so be my guest, ask a stupid question. Someone is probably waiting in the shadows to give you an even more stupid answer.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Pork Medallion Maneuver (Patent Pending)

I was originally going to write about something the rest of the world thinks is important, like the Obama Peace Prize thingy, or maybe something to do with Marge Simpson letting her "hair down" so to speak, posing nude in Playboy; which should give new meaning to who's "real" and who's not. Those things oddly enough don't interest me... of course neither does non-dwarf slapstick, but what I had in mind should inspire you to .....uh.....not be influenced by my idea?

Have you ever known there was something a little off about your license or vehicle as far as expiration, insurance lapse, etc. that if and when you get pulled over, you said to yourself or gay lover in the passenger side, "this guy is gonna screw me big time" (which for those of you that actually have a gay lover might not mind too much)? There's really no way to get even the smallest "jab" back in this guy's direction unless you'd like to get screwed even more 'frictiony'. I mean come on, you are in the wrong and the nice officer is just doing his job, right? So either way, you're going to pay out some mad money because you're lazy or poor, whichever makes the government moist. What can you do to say in a proverbial way, "you know what? Up yours little piggy!"? (remember, I said proverbial)

Well, since there's only three (maybe four now!!) people reading this anyway, I'll tell you what I do. All you need is something you should have on your person anyway, which is your drivers license (hopefully one NOT like the one featured, that's just creepy). Now, if you're wearing really tight pants... well then that'll explain why you have a gay lover sitting next to you, but it'll make this maneuver a little more difficult.
Basically, whenever you're driving, just always keep your license rubbin' right up against your "brotato" sack. If ever you get pulled over, reach down into your nugget snuggy and pull out whatever the nice policeman asks for. Whether he sees you doing it or not, it's still pretty funny; but just imagine the look on his face when he knows he might just have to touch it. I call this the Pork Medallion maneuver.

Look, you're probably going to go broke over a DMV fee delinquency or your unquenchable need for speed, so you might as well get a little chuckle out of it in the process. Remember, don't do this because it very rude to......Psh hahahahaha. I'm sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

O.J. Says: "It's Not a Tumor"...or Was That Someone Else?

With all the excitement involving my web show and the fact that somewhere in the world, right now, there is a two-toed sloth just pounding away on his fuzzy female, one couldn't possibly be able to contain themselves. Here we have the dilemma to live our lives without taking into consideration that there might have been things that we missed along the way. For example, The Cold War did not have any snowball fights.....none that we know of anyway. Someone probably stole $20 from your wallet/purse last week. By the way, thanks, guy from the elevator. Where the f#$% do ball-point pens go as soon as you lose them? Why can't women on myspace ever describe themselves in some way other than by how many tattoos and piercings they have? I have five magnets and two doodles on my fridge; it's pretty much the same thing.... but that's a post for another time.

...Which leads me to my thought for the day; the one I actually got a hold of. Do any of you remember the O.J. Simpson trial? God knows I do. The trial that went on for over a year? The one that sparked racism all over America, because people just wanted to believe he was innocent for some reason; people that had almost no idea who he was or how he lived his life. We all know he did it. In case you're wondering, I just peeled my eyelids open for about an hour reading it over again on Wikipedia. In 1994 I was 14, so at the time I really wasn't that interested in the whole thing. Believe it or not, I was being constructive with my time losing my virginity and perfecting my technique at Street Fighter, not to mention getting an earful about the death of Kurt Cobain from every teenage girl that thought she knew him personally somehow. Anyway, DNA evidence in murder trials was a fairly new concept and apparently, the jurors had no idea what DNA even was, let alone Street Fighter. Some of the jury afterward said he probably did do it (imagine that), but the prosecutors bungled their case and didn't give evidence beyond a reasonable doubt. Although now we know that the DNA unmistakably put O.J. at the scene and every other scene where he left his hair, blood, and bad acting skills, according to the law, he didn't do it.

Here's my point, IF according to the law he didn't murder his wife and pool house compadre, that means that someone did. Why hasn't California police opened up an investigation to find poor ol' Nichole's murderer? I'm sure someone did it. Has no one thought about this? We have a murder case to solve, people!!
There was actually a guy named William Dear, who wrote a book and conducted his own investigation pointing at O.J.'s son at the murders, but hey, at least he sold his book to a few people; probably also people that've never heard of Street Fighter.

Either way, people do notice how it all comes back around, whether or not they cared to notice at the time. Where's the Juice now? Oh, he's in prison for armed robbery and kidnapping. Johnny Cochran, the guy who famously got him off (and not in that "touch me there, yeah, that's right, that's the spot" kind of way)? Where he be? He's dead. Brain tumor. ( I think that boy from Kindergarten Cop called it.) What about the other defense lawyer? Where's that waskally wabbit hiding? I have no idea, but I do know he was disbarred in Florida and Massachusetts in 2001-2002 on 7 counts of attorney misconduct. Behold, the dream team!

That's a bad f#%&in' dream is what that is.

By the way, nice mustache, Black Gandhi.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

For the Love of Comedy

The reason why I haven't been posting lately is that I and a trusted colleague of mine have been working on coming up with a web show to make its debut as soon as possible. We've had the idea in our heads for a little while now, but now we have the means to get things done; so be patient with me, my three little readers. I would love to share everything that 's going to be included in this show, but it's a surprise and we all love surprises, don't we? However, what I can tell you is, we have openings for some cast members and I'm only going to be casting people in the local area (God help me).

Other things I can tell you is that this show is most definitely going to be a comedy show, our episodes are going to be 15 minutes long and it's going to be about people that work at a news station. Please, no hippies, and definitely no one that thinks they know how to direct. I've heard more criticism about directors than I'd ever care to hear from people with no real world knowledge about anything other than criticizing.

Since I'm poor, this is not a paying gig, hopefully some day it will be. We're using this web show as a hopeful television series, but only time will tell if people are ready for something that's not a reality show or an over-analyzing of anything of interest in the know-it-all hippie realm; but if you like to laugh, you most likely won't be disappointed.

The good news is, The Nothing Report WILL be a part of the show as a small editorial; but since my character is absolutely nuts, it'll make you feel right at home.