Friday, January 24, 2014

Shooting Craps... Done Right.

It occurred to me, an epiphany, that not only do I possess knowledge far superior to modern man, but I also have no idea how to use it. last night I coincidentally put together a combination of cheap wine and Food Lion Colby cheese as a late night snack, only to start pondering why cheese and wine is remotely even an ideal combination. Then, I remembered that the French are idiots and life started to make sense again. Nevertheless it got me thinking about it even more this morning when one of the kids wanted some of said cheese while I was enjoying a nice hot cup of stool softener.

Now, keep in mind I'm thirty-four years old. Massive amounts of cheese goes through me like a camel through the eye of a needle. Thousands of hours of painful cold sweats apparently teach me nothing. On the other hand, Mother Nature and our preferred local grocers combine forces to become Captain Planet!... No... no... That's a different show. They do, however, make for a nice regular (key word: regular) trip to the "tahlet".

With every item of sustenance we ingest, a parent's only relaxation time can transform from a broad range of a fourty-two hour birth-giving simulation to a demonstration of what happens when you put curdled milk in a Play-Doh spaghetti machine. Let's not even discuss trying to imagine wet sand being pushed out from a Super Soaker. We don't need those kinds of visuals. I don't know if anyone remembers those Wow Chips, but not as bad as that. In short, what we need to do is eat the foods we like by constantly evening everything out with other foods that counteract the effect.

Instead of drinking wine with cheese, depending on how much you eat (and in my case, it's about one wheel per sitting), you would drink large amounts of coffee. Now, the coffee would probably turn you into a Taco Bell hot sauce dispenser, so we would have to try evening that out with some chocolate-covered bananas. If that starts to make you feel sick, you're doing it right. Follow that up with some beans, like...... a lot of beans. If you throw up, by God shove it back in! We're almost at the perfect poop; you can't puss out now. Give it about fifteen minutes to let all that partially digested bean-fest to settle for the second time and begin shoveling in some bacon-wrapped steak followed by three cups of prune juice. I'm talking Solo cups people; You're not out of the woods yet. That reminds me, tree bark is high in fiber; you should find some of that and force it down with a cold glass of milk and some stale rye bread. If you're still conscious, take that trip a little farther into the forest and capture yourself at least two and three quarters Smurfs. Despite popular belief, they're really not that difficult to find. You just have to pee on yourself a little. that's their mating call... with human urine. Yeah... Now I know what you're thinking: How do you catch three quarters of a Smurf? The answer is simple: Find Cripple Smurf; he has no legs. If you can't catch that, then we seriously need to rethink your eating habits.

Eat the Smurfs raw and include the clothes. You're not a pussy, are you? Now, go to the fridge and mix together two oranges and some shark meat with a small pile of igneous rock and a few crushed cigarettes for flavor. Blend until it's got that gritty, rustic texture (kind of like Ray Liotta's face), and just down it like you lost a bet with Joe Pesci. If it's too rough going down, chase each bite with shavings from a tire and cardboard chips. (If that's not available, you can easily substitute that with basically anything from McDonald's.) Once digestion stops, you're ready for your fist fully functioning, perfectly regular brown baby boy, handed down from God Himself and passed on to you by... I guess your bowels...

If you've followed all of those basic steps, your next goal is to start doing heavy drugs because you just utterly destroyed your body, and this shit is thoroughly going to hurt a lot for the remainder of your life, which is probably about three days. You ever see that movie "From Beyond" where that guy's head is twisted off by a demon from hell? It's gonna feel a lot like that, but on the other side of your body. Enjoy!