Monday, July 27, 2009

The Couch.......The Epitome of Man's Best Friend

With the toy show completely flopping and me having that really hot and itchy diarrhea, you would think I had a pretty bad weekend; but actually aside from sitting in the stall and for five second straight I thought I heard someone dumping three hundred pounds of potatoes into a tub of Jello, it wasn't all that bad. Someone recommended to me a site called ECrater which is like ebay, only free. Don't get me started on how much I hate ebay, though. I'd rather just skip the middle man and send my stuff out to random people, while at the same time sending ebay my firstborn and a gift certificate for one free middle finger.

Just in case one of my three readers are concerned, I'm not being evicted, I came up with the money... and I'm not a gigilo yet, but I haven't taken that off my list of possibilities.

Last night I checked my email for the second time this month and found I received one from the marketing coordinator at Apparently they've read my blog and want to feature it on their site. Well, obviously because I'm a man's man. I pee in the shower and I just found out what napkins are used for. I roll the windows up in the car just before I fart and I don't wash my hands after using the restroom. Whatever I'm supposed to do, I'll do it later. I love fake boobs, slutty women, any food with massive, rediculous amounts of meat and cheese, ultimate fighting, jobs that pay in Jack Daniel's, and teaching my daughter to love Batman. I think that at least qualifies my man card to be punched enough for a free sandwich or something. With all of this free stuff these sites are getting with featuring my writing, I seriously need to get a paying gig, like that guy that tells people to be quiet at the golf course. I'm sure he makes a buttload of cash. Maybe someone should pay me to point out that Sid the Science Kid doesn't have any teeth........crap, I just gave it away.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Toys For Tots = Will Work For Food

This weekend, I've decided to drain my toy collection of anything not Batman. On a serious note, I'm almost on the brink of homelessness; but on the bright side, I'm not afraid of plastic wrap anymore. We just got an eviction notice, so I'm pulling out all the stops and taking a groin sized hit by getting rid of a good percentage of action figures that I've spent about the last thirteen years accumulating. Plus, they do take up a lot of room and some of them are sitting on my testicles as we speak.

This Saturday and Sunday (July 18th-19th) I'm going to be at the Metrolina Expo in Charlotte selling my wares. I figured since I have my own site, I'd give myself a free plug and maybe a bag of chips. As for a sneak peek, Some of the figures I'm going to be selling for plastic wrap anonymous meeting brownie mix will be:

- Final Fantasy VII (original Japanese)
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Resident Evil 1 & 2 (ToyBoz)
- Resident Evil (Palisades)
- Street Fighter (Resaurus)
- Street Fighter (Jazwares)
- Dragon Ball Z (Movie Collection) (Not to be confused with that dumb-ass Evolution movie)
- Marvel vs. Capcom
- X-men vs. Street Fighter
- Jason vs. Freddy
- Spawn
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- Tenchu
- Armored Core
- Puppet Master
- Some Batman Dark Knight stuff (I'm being nice, so sue me.)
- Superman

I think I'm all out of the adult toys, but if you need a blow-up doll or a rubber fist........I know a guy. I wouldn't mind seeing some of my readers out there, just to say hi; but if you're looking for something for you or someone else for a birthday, anniversary, lay-off, or hate crime, there's always the other guys down there also selling toys along with sports cards, NASCAR (I hate NASCAR by the way), and all sorts of collectibles that could NOT be used in a hate crime, like pokemon keychains and red rope licorice. Well.......maybe the licorice. I can't stress enough how much these things need to leave my possession, but it beats doing favors in a back alley for smack. I mean, who the hell would want to be in a back alley? If it's dark, you could lose your smack.

So I guess, wish me luck on my endeavors and I'll let you know in a couple days how it turns out. If you live in or around the charlotte area I might see you there unless you're a douche and you're too cheap to pay the pint of blood it costs to get in. Besides, I'm not just doing it for me, but for my country and for me.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Dire Straight-up Coffee Flavored Coffee

Just like many American's, I enjoy my coffee in the mornings; almost as much as I like a little nookie and hallucinogenic mushrooms before noon. Depending on what kinds of coffee you get it can be an avalanche of taste followed by tinkling in your pants, or a landslide of crap followed by a loose stool. It still hasn't been that long that some companies will try to make your mornings taste like anything from blueberries to the glorified boogers I like to call raisins. Most of the time I like my coffee to taste I enjoy the taste of coffee and that's why I buy coffee instead of trying to drink liquid caramel or sipping Hazelnuts. I don't know who Hazel is, but -
Never mind... Too easy.

No matter how many ridiculous ideas people come up with to make their coffee taste like something else, somebody finally got it right.

Introducing Coffee Mate's (sorry it doesn't have that damn trademark symbol) Tiramisu flavored liquid creamer. Now we all love Tiramisu, but those of us that actually make the stuff (that's right peoples, I gots game) also know the thing that makes this oh so delicioso dessert so good is the flavor which is

That's absolutely correct sir! Tiramisu is coffee flavored; which means that a Tiramisu flavored creamer will make your coffee taste like coffee. Are you getting this? YOUR COFFEE WILL TASTE THE SAME AFTER USING THIS PRODUCT! So why buy it? Several reasons: You're a dumb-ass consumer and you'll believe anything the media tells you. Secondly, You like Tiramisu. I mean, of course you do. Who doesn't? You also like adding crap to your coffee to make it taste different. I don't know about you, but if I were to add too much of anything to my grandmother's cooking, it would be a direct insult to her and the TV dinners she served me. Imagine how Juan Valdez feels when you metaphorically smack him in his Colombian face with your opinion of his coffee not being good enough for your American, round-eyed taste buds.

Coffee Mate, I usually tolerate you to an extent, but this time I'm proud of you. You finally make a product that I can honestly say does not pervert my coffee in any way. However, if I were to pay you money for nothing, I should also get my chicks for free.

Monday, July 6, 2009

A Nothing Report Michael Jackson Special

I think it's about time I wrote something about Michael Jackson. He's now getting twice as much media than he ever would have touching little boys in the no-no's. I'd say any media is good media, right? Maybe I should go nuts and build a theme park filled with monkeys and wear a surgical mask at the courtroom in my pajamas and sheets over my kids and then just....die. That would bring all the compliments out of the woodwork, wouldn't it? I mean dead people get to hear all of these nicey nice things too; you just have to yell extra loud to get through that air-tight box.

All I've heard in the media is about respect this, respect that. People have nothing but respect for the dead. What happened to respect for the living? Where were all of these compliments and tributes and respect when the man was alive? I guess making fun of someone for decades becomes inappropriate once the human punching bag in question is no longer able to hear your ridicule. I mean, come on! This guy had his own category for jokes! Here are a few of the Michal Jackson jokes we all have been telling our friends for years and years. Let's see if they're still funny: (lots more here)

"When is it bedtime in Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand is on the little hand."

"How do you know when Michael Jackson has been cheating?
There's another big-wheel parked in the driveway."

"Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
"Don't let your son go down on me."

"What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
Little Boy Blew."

"What's Michael Jackson's favorite rock song?
Sweet Child O' Mine.

"What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
Both get turned on by kids."

"How many times does 12 go into 35?
Ask Michael Jackson."

"What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A threesome with Michael Jackson."

See, we even learn math in the name of sodomy. There are virtually hundreds more jokes about our beloved albino skeleton of pop.; but there are even more unanswered questions. First of all, I want to know the names of all the parents that received hefty sums of money in exchange for their little tyke's butt hole. Then, I want to see all of his past noses. There might be enough in a drawer somewhere to help an entire civilization breathe easy. After that, I want to see a sex tape surface somewhere. Look, even that chick from Survivor had one. Only, I think MJ's sex tape would probably be illegal to watch.

Look, I remember Thriller, The Jackson 5, and all the other good stuff he's known for (yeah, I named one song and an entire band); but people don't realize that the living would much rather hear all of your kissing up than the dead. I haven't seen a dead guy get his ass kissed so much since Vampire in Brooklyn.

Are you telling me that a guy that holds his face together with tape isn't funny?

Oh well, I guess a sense of humor is offensive now that this nut- excuse me, iconic role model is gone. I think he made out better this way, with being praised now rather than being the butt of every child molestation joke. I didn't even think child molestation was funny until Michael Jackson came along; so let me just say:

Thank you Michael Jackson, for all you've done in the name of child molestation humor, with or without tape on your face. You will be remembered.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Fast Food Prostitution Makes Its Debut!

Apparently, drunk girls in the south will consider trading sex for McDonald's. I'm not sure if there's a price cap, but I can definitely afford the dollar menu. I realize they have to be really, really drunk, but you and the Cap'n can make it happen. This gave me an idea a lot like the one's I usually get, so I decided to exploit the three concussions I received last week from driving while getting ...........that's not important. I'm going to move to Kings Mountain, North Carolina to open up my own brothel called "Surely These Are a New Kind of Hookers, Only Less Expensive" a.k.a. the S.T.A.N.K. H.O.L.E. I'm just kidding, that was the hookers' idea. I'm actually calling it "Fast Food Always Gets Us Tail" or F.F.A.G.U.T.............I'm still working on that one.

The procedure will be pretty simple. We set up shop right next to a McDonald's or whichever fast food chain the whores prefer, then you find a drunk girl that fits your specifications such as vertigo, nausea, memory loss, loose stools, slurred speech, ataxia, compromised inhibitions, or mismatching clothing; take her drive-thru order, then come back and let her eat half of it before she performs for you. She gets the other half upon completion of the contract.

Now there are of course things you have to keep in mind when having relations with a fast food hooker. Diseases you say? No, you only get those from computer viruses; we've already discussed this. Remember, you only have a limited amount of time on two counts: First, you have to make it fast or else his/her food will get cold. Second, they're drunk as hell. You need to make it even faster before they barf all over you.
Keep in mind this is a tricky business. These whores have to receive shots daily for vitamin supplements and vaccines for food related issues. It's not like they eat anything healthy. This lack of concern for health can lead to several side effects that can be fatal and/or harmful to the whore's well being, all of which still get you some, so we don't care too much.

Remember, if it's not a F.F.A.G.U.T., it's still a whore...

Alright, I'll work on a new slogan.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Bad Names and Bacon Tacos

I finally went and saw Drag Me to Hell. Long story short, it wasn't bad, but it was a one-trick pony. If you see it once, you'll get tired of watching an old gypsy die and vomit, slobber and yank hair enough that the story won't matter much after that. The last time an old woman without teeth got down on her knees in front of me, I definitely wasn't at a bank. I do have to say, however, I stand corrected on the review of the movie. I did enjoy it and it made me suddenly crave a stapler and a set of false teeth like never before.

Have you ever heard of Toot and Puddle? Here's a picture:

Toot and Puddle are the names of these two delicious strips of bacon right here. Can you think of a cuter, more cuddly way to say "piss pool and fart"? I mean, no loving swine mother would name her child anything outlandish, like Corkscrew Penis or Pig F#@*er. Too bad my mother wasn't a pig or I wouldn't have gotten the name "Jesus Christ, is That Even Human?!?". I would rather not have gotten a name that was also a question, but on a positive note my middle name isn't quite as long; I think it's Asian.

The other day I had the best idea for a new invention, but was quickly shot down into a realm of displeasure and shame. This is how it went down pretty much word for word:

Me: "Honey, you know how you start to eat a taco and half of it falls out before you even get it to your mouth?"

Nola: "Yeah?" (<--- insert upward inflection here)

Me: "I think I'm going to invent the 'No-Spill' taco."

Nola: "That's a burrito."

Me: "........................................ shut up."

If it wasn't for burritos, I'd be rolling in cash right now.............. stupid Mexicans. I mean, I could always just staple a taco shut...