Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sarcasm is Best Used in Absence

I found this sign at the BP station along with some kind of advertisement about a stronger engine. Here's the problem. Do you see any signs of muscles on this so-called arm protruding from an invisible orifice on the side of the outdated gas pump shown here? I sure as hell don't. In fact, I just see a big 'ol fist with an apparent gleam in its.......eye? This sign doesn't say to me "stronger engine" This sign clearly says, "OUR GAS WILL F *%#ING PUNCH YOU!!"

It really doesn't matter what condition your engine is in right now. With the gas prices at an all-time "suck it America", even merchandise at Big Lots is scratching it groin from financial herpes....and that's pretty serious.

However, apparently you can take your moped to the drive-through now. I thought it was just for whiny flannel wearing hippies, but I guess.....wait.......never mind. That is a whiny flannel wearing hippie. Why the hell didn't I ever get into truck driving or Tim Allen sitcoms; I could've been wearing flannel too. I suppose I'll just stick to buying holiday decorations at Big Lots. I don't even know why they call it that anyway. The store aren't exactly big and I don't remember ever seeing lots being sold there. The name makes about as much sense as Abercr.........Aber.........damnit, you get what I'm trying to say. Big Boy has a "big boy" outside, Dunkin' Donuts has donuts inside, The ABC store has Protestants, and Big Lots is a tiny glorified K Mart with seasonal ass matter and 3 dollar DVD's.
One thing's for sure though... at least they won't punch you.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Can't Understand Normal Thinking.....and Boobs.

For an interesting discussion, I'm going to bring to light my personal views on gay animals.; but today I'm talking about breast augmentation. Tell me have you noticed how common it is in conversational pieces, whenever boob jobs (less commonly known as "making the fun bags funner") are the topic at hand, women who don't have them, talk them down; men who's wives don't have them talk them up, and last but not least, everyone refers to them as "fake".

Let me give you a little comparison that I've been contemplating like a sick beaver with a chair leg in its mouth. Let's say you're a burn victim. Your face has been completely and utterly deformed in the melding of your eyebrows to your neck. Would you consider skin grafts to surgically restore (or enhance for argument sake) your face? Of course you would. Why? Because this world is filled with people that put way too much value on physical appearances. Of course you might think that maybe I'm being a little harsh and making a really bold comparison; but if your face was melted of by a bacon grease fire while you were distracted by your drunk friend trying his hand at blowing fireballs with Everclear and dribbles enough out of his mouth to burn his face off, you deserve every minute of your foolishness and cosmetic surgery could very well be considered selfish and 'dodging the bullet', so to speak in this case. This argument being made, Does not a boob job only alter, or enhance your physical appearance? Don't tell me that corrective surgery is necessary on a life or death matter, like the Hulk's Five gallon bucket jock strap. If you had no materialistic appearance issues whatsoever, you would be content with a Dark Man/ Freddy Krueger face.
Or you could always just wear this new apparel that advertises your favorite disease.

The fact that most people call them fake is pretty ignorant; kind of like yelling "touchdown!" at a baseball game. There is no part of the outside of the breast (no part that you can see anyway), that's made of anything synthetic or unnatural. If a doctor inserted a metal plate in your head, would you have a fake head? Would you have a fake bloodstream because you take insulin shots? I suppose with the definition of "fake" alone, if you have a pacemaker, you're not really alive. Take a look at this and tell me you won't ever give a second glance at it and I'll introduce you to a world of square circles and teeth at Waffle House.

Viagra is one of the best examples of physical "enhancement". Take one of these and you now have a fake penis. Your happy humper just got jacked up by a pill that's even more synthetic than the saline that goes into the breasts. If it isn't crazy to see things this way, then I don't have views on gay animals.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

If Only I Had Running Shoes...

Imagine if you will...you're wearing a slimy sock, you run around in it for an hour or two, then all of a sudden, you're foot gets smaller.

That's what a condom's like.
Happy Tuesday.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What to Drink When You're Bleeding From the Crotch.

What exactly is this blog about tonight? Look back up at the title. In case you haven't guessed it, I'm about to speak about something we men know nothing about and yet are punished by it every 5 to 7 days out of the month. I've recently discovered that secretly, women around the U.S. have been scheming ways to infiltrate the psyche of the average, below average, and below Nicholas Cages of our generation. They've even slipped their "medicine" by us primitive males at the office in hopes to quiet us down in our blathering ways about how our wives almost killed us at home; but not anymore. We've managed to take out one of their operatives (we call 'em 'on the ragheads') while getting coffee.....hey, we're subtle.
I give you the cure for your wife, mother, co-worker, wife's mother, girlfriend, wife's girlfriend...........(you get the picture) 's FEMAgina:

I know what you're thinking. Actually, you're probably laughing your ass off...I was. A friend of mine at work made it a priority to show this to me in the lounge at work. I thought to myself.........( still talk out loud when I think to myself, for future reference), "self, (and yes, I say "self") when the f*%# are they supposed to drink this s*%t?!?! (.........I swear a lot when I talk to myself out loud, I'm in a group) Do they drink it to stop shaking, or just before someone dies? If they were suppose to indulge in this most excellent of teas ( I know it's excellent because it has flowers on the box) while on said shaking binge, they would call it "MS Tea"; but no, it's PMS Tea!! It needs to be ingested before, nay, way before the flow chart shows the death toll rising to an all-time high. Let's just say, well three days before. Give me a break I didn't read the back, I was too busy laughing at the period tea. Ok, three days... Is there a stopping period?....(no pun intended). Does it stop affecting you when you start affecting self esteem in those around you? Are prepubescent teenagers required to drink this crap before their special friend pays them an introductory visit? So many questions, so many gullible people.
The best part of this is that little circle after the title of this must-have product of the ages. Someone actually copyrighted this stuff. "uh, hey! This tea is great, it makes me want to bleed less in a metaphoric sense from my vagina. What do we call it"

"How about, now hear me out here, PMS Tea® "

(awkward silence)

"Wow, that's a great name, I can't wait until three days before my period."

"Damn it Steve, you don't have periods."

"Well, at least I don't pay for pain pills with pork chops"

(by the way, these pork chops WERE actually payment for pain pills, but I'm sworn to secrecy that it was NOT by anyone that I myself know personally............at all.......)

Someone must have thought to themselves, damn I better trademark this product. I don't want anyone to steal the name.
Look, If you feel like a b......bad person, don't drink tea, read witty remarks on the internet.

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