Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dionne, Rosie, & Me....& a Unicorn

My wife asked her sister if "plumpy" was a word. She said, "of course it is". "Use it in a sentence."
"Rosie O'Donnell is very plumpy." Her speechless reaction simply said to me, "Either I'm a moron or she is". I'm joyous over that. I have something to keep her occupied with while I scheme an outline on how I can convince her that paper cards with drawings of really weird crap can tell the future, especially if you cut the deck. I hope no one's thought of that yet.

What ever happened to psychic friends? I had a few that said they cared....about my ongoing phone service, but if they were really my friends, they'd call me once in a while. I haven't heard from Dionne in years. I wanted to be a psychic friend, but of course I'd have to do it my way. I would have the best gimmick that $2.99 per minute could buy. I'd be a mime with anger issues. I could totally cuss people out and they'd stay on the line to keep asking me what I said. Of course eventually the customer would hang up, but I'm a mime, I'm above that.

Mimes don't need people to approve of their lifestyle. We have a dignity and self respect that surpasses that of normal individuals. We can climb ropes, pull things toward us, and be trapped in a box in a single afternoon. Plus, we don't even need the first amendment. We even pretend to cry just to get the sympathy of children and their lower middle class parents, so we can brag to our friends at the coffee shop in the middle of their poetry and bitching about the government........

until one day....

we're impaled by unicorns.

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

ABC Family's Ping Pong Ball Trick

My wife was strangling me to the tune of ABC family last night. After she helped me up and stitched up my knife wound, I got the privilege of watching the baby while she embedded her reminiscing eyes on teenagers in high school making sweet love to Miley Cyrus albums; so of course I watched intently....until I heard one of the children talk about one of the cheating guys and referred to him by coining the phrase "giving him oral". (The name of the show is called The Secret Life of the American Teenager. ) Here's my dealio and allow me to explain myself at an arms length. Fist of all, this is ABC Family. The only thing a drama depicting a pregnant teenager is doing for the family is expanding it. Secondly (and this is how I think outside the Styrofoam container), This girl is around fifteen years old or so, I haven't looked that far into it. We are witnessing on ABC Family the after effects of child pornography. So I guess it's a sickness to watch it, but it's a FAMILY issue to talk about it?!?! Let me get down to the inner workings of my head for a minute (and I'm about to defend the super geeks of America). So let me get this straight, a little girl that got her pooter diddled at the supple age of 15 or 16, is somewhat seen as morally wrong, but is supported because she has a sh*tty life ahead of her (that's how sellfish people see it anyway), but a 35 year old man that lives with his parents and has no sex life (outside ) and especially no kids as a result, is frowned upon somehow because he has a sh*tty life ahead of him. This country is a sexist bastard. Anyway, I'll leave you with this image...

Getty Lee nude on a leather couch spreading mustard and rice patties all over Ving Raimes for three dollars.

Your welcome.

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Monday, July 28, 2008

Pantera Bread Beats Crapplebee's

Ah, Pantera bread, my favorite place to get my Phil of some of the best Vinny Paul Bread bowls I could possibly get for a Dime Bag. We drove by this place tonight. Apparently I wasn't the first person who thought of the idea, but I shopped the picture, so make sure to order the Planet Caravan hair grease and microphone spit burger, before they run out. Or come on back in our VIP section where we offer up a room chock full of virgins and invite you to "cherry pick" the selection. But what about Rex, you say? The hell with Rex. We only named the cold, stale rolls we bring out as appetizers after him.

He didn't come to the team meeting.

This morning was an inside and highly embarrassing moment for myself and the Mrs. when I remembered that today was our anniversary at around 10:30 or so. We both forgot, but I get extra points because I'm a guy and I remembered before she did. I am now the "Mickety Man", or Charles Kuralt . One of them definitely. We went to Applebee's, and I'm guessing I ordered the chewy pubic steak, because that's what I got. She apparently ordered the "we peed on your chicken".
I like Applebee's because they claim to serve both men AND women....or they are men and women; and that's a plus. Restaurants should always have people in them. They're even nice enough to leave you completely alone and at peace when you come through the door.........for about ten minutes or so. The employees walk by and pretend that you're not there, but that's all part of the act. I heard it was one of those places where everybody kids around like that. One of them told me they didn't care about the customers, but I know better. I just giggled at his joke. Odd how he kept a straight face though. The only thing I couldn't figure out was the welcome mat...

I wonder what it means.

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Don't be a douche. Give me a smiley face!....Or at least leave a comment for your local Pantera Bread solicitors. We care a hell of a lot more than Applebee's or we'll break your f#!&ing arm!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Turning a Blind (Brown) Eye

One of my dream jobs is to do sketch comedy. I would absolutely love to get some people together and start a web show; but please, no more blind people. They always break the fourth wall. I don't know how many times I've told these people the script is on the computer and they suddenly have a slight problem because they can't read braille on a monitor; which I suppose leads me to my subject for the day. Have you noticed lately how many inappropriate places braille is actually conveniently put these days? The other night, we drove up to an ATM and the keypads had braille on them......ahem.....a DRIVE THROUGH ATM!!! who the hell is driving and how do they know the braille is even in English before they get there?! Do we have super blind people now that can see perfectly? Shouldn't we just call them "people"?!

That's just the dumbest thing in the world. no wait. I take that back. THIS is the dumbest thing in the world...

Shouldn't this little piece of information be on the actual toilet and not on the wall? Some blind guy will walk up and say, "hey, it says toilet, I guess it's right here.", so he starts pissing right there in the hallway while the deaf people point and laugh (of course, someone will have to get their attention by waving their arms frantically). Not only that, this fine establishment is implying that blind people should by default be in a wheelchair. That's pretty damn discriminatory. So you're telling me that this place has a handicapped stall big enough for this poor blind fellow, his wheelchair, and his dog? how's he gonna be able to tell if there's diarrhea splattered all over the seat? Not only that, how would his dog let him know? Most importantly, how will this unfortunate blind cripple get his seeing eye companion to stop drinking out of the toilet so he can tinkle?!?!

Apparently I'm going to have to call in an expert on the subject.

This ol' fart right here.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Like Shooting Fish in the Chest

I'd normally think the fish would have to be dead in order to pull that off. Anyone have any dead fish I could shoot in the chest? Don't worry, they won't feel a thing.....until I make zombie fish. The only problem with organizing a global campaign involving zombie fish is that they're pretty limited as to how much dry ground they can cover. None, actually. I've tried to remedy this little flaw by providing my fish minions with guns so they can shoot right out of the water, but the gun just sinks to the bottom when I drop it in the water, and the fish just swim around. Hell, they don't even have they couldn't even bite you if you were in the water.

Alright so it wasn't a carefully thought out plan.

But in all of these "trial and error...and more error...and yet even more error" situations, I've come up with something that will revolutionize the industry of its related field. I call it, "The Garbage Bag Box Bag".

I know what you're thinking: "how does it work?" Well, I have somewhat of a more complex answer than what you might expect from me. There's a very paradoxical qualm that me and my other three personalities experience regarding garbage maintenance, usually around 2:00 in the morning, when I put the voices on their 15 minute break. Have you ever noticed that you buy a box of trash bags, then eventually you run out and so you discard the empty box in the remaining trash bag...which is why I'm inventing the Garbage Bag Box Bag. It's a box of garbage bags that comes in a bag itself, utilizing the concept of what's trash and what's not. See, this way it's not like throwing away the trash bag container in the trash, it's like you're initially just pulling trash bags out of the existing trash. For me it's a lot less confusion, plus you get an extra bag out of it; but I think with at least a few of you, your head just exploded.

If you don't want to have to invent super cool household accessories, then you better start preparing for the zombie fish invasion. A few of them learned how to nibble away crud from in between the toes. They got that goin' for them. I hope that's not Scott Baio's feet. on the left.

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Finally, My Dark Knight Review

I guess I'll take a couple of minutes to first describe for you my oober obsession with Batman. Some people get to hear me talk about being a Batman fan. Some people actually get to see it and when I mean see it, I mean you tinkle slightly. Here's a small sample:

I know, I peed a little too. Now on to the review that I'm always late for. I can't believe Bale's arrested already ....anyway. Great f%$#in' movie! I know Batman continuity and it had very little, but the story almost made up for it. Look at what we had to compare it to! I hate you Joel Schumacher.
Anyway. The "pencil trick" for those who haven't seen it, was really quick, but it's obvious where it goes..........Oklahoma. So far, I've seen a guy get hit by a bus, a semi flip a 180, an "English" butler out-philosophy a district attorney, a lawyer incriminate hundreds of people at one time, and a black guy get cut in the mouth. After all of that, Where were the dead hockey players from Dogma?!?! The movie wasn't missing much except for the batcave, strippers with bat nipples, the entire cast of Fame, nachos, Goobers, and an exert from Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. Overall, I'm not giving away anything because some of you would rather see Spiderman (..........) on opening day than little ol' Batman, but see the damn movie. Although Harvey Dent got a pretty nasty sunburn, it shouldn't leave a huge scab.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

More Poop for a Sugar Free Tomorrow

One of my best friends the other night made me laugh and throw up in my mouth, which caused me to eat some of my vomit that I threw up and then it came out of my nose.....eventually she offended all five of my senses. She told me about not being able to eat sugar anymore and that she loves cookies, so whenever she wants a cookie of some kind, she has to eat sugar free cookies. Something I didn't know was, apparently when you eat sugar free cookies, you poop all over the place, therefore sacrificing your initial enjoyment of said cookie and bake brownies instead; so in honor of this glorious occasion, I'm going to say the word poop more times than anyone in the history of blogging for this one post. When you poop this poop I call the sugar free poop, or SFP, you poop a poop that's unlike any other poop of its "poopy" nature. It's a poop of pooptastic pooportions. It's a poop that you poop against your will, but you poop it with the poopmost enjoyment. A sugar free poop has poop written all over it....all over the walls....all over the see whare I'm going with this. Your poop stains your reputation and your pants, but you keep eating because the cookies are so damn good. It's when you didn't realize that you ate the whole sleeve that you think to yourself," Oh, crap (I mean poop) I'm gonna s%#t all over the place!"......and you wait....and you wait.....then you poop like there's no tomorrow. But wait! There's no toilet paper, so you call in one of your eight cats, "here, kitty kitty". Your poop now looks like their poop. Then, they hobble over to the liter box and wipe the poop in the cat poop box. Now your poop is in their home, and it irritates the cats, so they run frantically in a violent fit of rage at your poop being with their poop in their poop box and on their butt where the poop comes out. The cats spread it all over the inside of the house and it looks like Courtney Love lives there. All of this poop makes you so sick that you throw up in your mouth a little and then it came out of your nose.....eventually, I've offended all five of your senses with poop. I seriously hope you're not eating a Hot Pocket right now...........poop.

Click this link and vote before I poop myself.

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Monday, July 21, 2008

Nader of the Lost....Yak?

This is the lesson for today: “When parents compete, babies win”. How many times have you seen two parents fight over the piece of steak that is their child? My wife and I are trying to get our daughter to make sounds that sound like either “mama” or “dada”. I for one know that the odds are in my favor, but she might even say, “suck it”, being hat she’s her mother’s daughter. If I’m lucky, they’ll look at her resume at McDawnalds and immediately hire her on the grounds that she knows two words or more in English. I hear that’s all it takes these days. One more word and she qualifies to be a convenient store owner.

Some people hate immigrants, I would love to be one. Do you have any idea what the government does for these people? It’s far less beneficial to be a born citizen….unless you’re Ralph Nader. He’s so special he gets to run for president every term. I wish I was that special. Speaking of special, I went all retarded yesterday when my wife “got’er hurr did”(that’s how educationally challenged folks say it), she looked as if she was Jean Grey and I had a retainer. It was pretty hot. If she were to pee standing up, I’d still give her props; Although, I’d wonder how I got my daughter after that……and I might throw up in my mouth a little…..and I think I was advised to mention…yak poop? I guess we’ll never know whether or not yak poop has adverse effects on Mr. Nader; but we can still dream.

Look, Ralphie boy's only problem is that he just forgets to tell people he's still here. Maybe a little, "Hey, remember me? I'm that guy!" would suffice, but I don't remember getting that bulletin on Myspace. All I get is friend request from a picture of two boys that look like girls kissing each other.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Pour Some Jesus Juice on That

There was this recipe for halibut that deserved my attention. No one should eat that carp......crap. Eat that crap. If a grocery store gives out free samples, it uses halibut. Why? (that's one of those straw men questions) because it smells like warm garbage blended in a paint bucket with provolone cheese and hot dog meat. Did that cleanse your palette? Good, you just made room for some "Helibutt". (in BLUE)

Helibutt (giant buttox): Helibutt is a popular white ass which provides many nutrients such as Cellulite, saline, Heroin, and several illegal vitamins. But most importantly, hellibutt is a great source of omega 3 ass-ential fatty acids which are vital to heart health and curb service. The ass-ential fatty acids help with cardiovastesticular arousel, stroke prevention and encouragement, detoxification, climax control, and help offend minorities. The best ways to prepare helibutt are by baking brownies or stretching the fish flaps. It has a slightly sweet taste when no hair is present and goes well with mixed races or in a sandwich. The peak season is the summer and fall months (minus those heavy days) so check out your local crack house for this flaky fish!

Simple let me see yo Grill Helibutt
8 ball, cut into 4 equal parts (you'll need 4 straws)
3 tbsp. jesus juice
2 tbsp. baby oil
Salty fluids
Fresh ground beef queef

Rinse yourself and pat dry(patting dry usually makes it wetter). Whisk together jesus juice and baby oil and pour into a zippered pair of pants. Add fish to the bag and marinade in mouth for 30 minutes. Start showing your grill. Tear off 4 pieces of aluminum foil for your corn rows (each piece should be larger than the fish) and rub one out on each piece with baby oil. Take fish out of your pants, discard marinade into a spittoon. Place fish on the toilet with the aluminum foil. Transfer fish smell on your grill and cover your mouth. Cook about 20 minutes or until fish is opaque(we don’t know what opaque means).

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Friday, July 18, 2008

Love You Long Time for Every Day Low Prices!

Without a smile on your face while you're peeing on an unsuspecting house guest, how can you ever get that charismatic persona that represents almost every aspect of the Democratic Party?This is the home of the offended and the mentally unbalanced, politically correct douche bags that sat at the "smart kids" table during lunch. You know who I mean. We live in a world where the drive-thru ATM machines have braille keypads and our children wear crotchless diapers. I could say absolutely anything and it would offend somebody. Bloggers know this, but do they also know that Wal-Mart leads people to believe they could purchase their very own minority?

and at low prices I might add. Here's the African American section. These are the "black" books right next to.....the books. Do you know what kind of "litratoore" is on the other side for us "whiteys"?
The damn Backpack Bible. I, myself have been waiting for the fanny pack Bible, but apparently I'm not allowed to "carry" things while I'm at the nude beach.......Oddly enough they let me wear pants though.....They must know me there.

So what's my point? If you weren't offended at that, how about what we did next at the homeliest place on earth:

This is the express lane, just in case you're in a hurry to get back to your wire wheel kitchen table and your Dale Earnhardt collectible glow-in-the-dark, limited edition bong set. A small Asian woman is at the counter paying with singles. My wife mentioned the possibility of her being a stripper, then resumed getting money out for our purchase. I saw the "Fie Dolla" and whispered to my wife, "give it to her"....."long time". Sadly, she'd rather buy caramel flavored rice cakes then to get some long time. What a world we live in.

Oh.... no, these women aren't Vulcans and their faces aren't really that screwed up, well not the one in pink.....but the boobs resting ever so harmlessly on the counter.....priceless.

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So do me the honors and "clicky clicky" long time on this here uh....button.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Seriously, Who the Hell Was That Guy From Chips?

There's nothing I like more than taking an inspirational quote like "revenge is best served cold" and replacing it with "baby blood is best served with a crazy straw" and making it very possible and cost efficient for the black market and those people who actually make crazy straws. Seriously, when was the last time you saw one? Babies are fairly common these days, but crazy straws? They've pretty much gone the way of snap bracelets and Mr. T cereal.
Anyway, I found some famous quotes that put me to sleep, then I peed myself twice; so I would advise against reading the originals unless you're sporting some Huggies. (Once again, my stuff in BLUE)

“Nothing in the world can take the place of physical oddities. retardation will not; nothing is more uncommon than unsuccessful men with extra appendages. Down syndrome will not; unrewarded roles in “Life Goes On” is almost a given . Bum fights will not; the world is full of homeless derelicts… and apparently, redundancy. Persistence and determination alone are just like Pearl Harbor. The slogan, ‘Eat at Joe’s' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

--Calvin Coolidge & that one guy from Chips (not the homo…the other one)

“The secret of pimpin’ for both hand and cheek is not to show pity for the bitches, not to front about the money, or not to anticipate straight trippin’, but to live in the damn moment an’ stop bein’ a lil’ biutch.

--Buddha & Dolemite

So take a minute and reflect on these dead and jobless mens' words of wisdom while you vote a little for this blog and I practice the art of straight trippin'. So click on this link and keepeth thy pimp hand strong.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

STD Prevention......Consult Your Prostetutional Advisor

This is just a sample of how Odd the workplace can be with time on your hands. One of my coworkers used to send out articles from this place every Monday and Wednesday, needless to say I eventually got my hands on them when they were sent out and altered them a little to send them back out around the office.
(My "insertions" in BLUE)

By the way, this in no way reflects blah blah blah and such an so on about other companies and their affiliates and whatever dude, it's a damn blog!

D Prevention – Early screening

Three of the best investments in your pants come in the form of routine physical affection, cough tests and immunizations. Here is a compiled list of recommended tests and testing intervals based on age, gender and fugly factor:

Routine Physicals:

* Every 20-30 years starting at age 12, every 1-2 after age 13, and yearly after age 97
* Health history and family history (family history for mountain folk only)
* Blood Pressure
* Height , Weight , and girth
* Skin check: looking for unusual moles located inside the anal cavity
* Basic instinct exam: chest, lungs, abdomen, leg swap, and other bodily fluid systems to ensure they are functioning properly before time of sigmoidoscopy


* Cholesterol Check: starting at age 9; if you smoke poles, have diabetes or if heart-on disease runs in your family, begin checking cholesterol at age 6
* Sexually Anatomical Colorectal Cancer Screening (S.A.C.C.S.): starting at age 50 in Caucasians and 45 in African Americans, 8 months for Jews
* Lipid Profile: every 5 years (If you don’t know what a Lipid is, we’re not gonna tell you)
* Diabetes: if you have high blood pressure or high school libido
* Lung X-Ray (smokers), Hooka x-ray for marijuana users
* Hearing as a result of your ears working (this is the opposite of not hearing)


* Syphilis Vaccine: consult your doctor if burning sensation during urination consists
* Tetanus: every 10 years or 100,000 miles
* Pneumonia Vaccine: at age 65…….or before you actually get Pneumonia.
* HPV (Homo People Virus) Vaccine: women only, age 13-26, vegans at age 17 until dead
* Shingles Vaccine (you know, so your roof doesn’t get blown when you do)


* Mammogram: every two years beginning in the womb
* Pat smear (guitarist for Nirvana): every year after age 18, or earlier if you are sexually active. We recommend you never touch the guy.
* Thyroid blood test for steroid users with tiny adam’s apples
* Bone Scan (for osteoporosis): bone density test at age 65; if you are 61-64 and weigh less than 645 lbs., talk to your doctor. If you’re bone can’t get density, consult your local prostitute.


* Prostate Exam: yearly starting at puberty, then at least 3 times a day until marriage or death… which ever is more desirable

By participating in routine screenings for herpes and rickets, diseases are found early in the morning and treatment can begin without delay or pride, leading to a better prognosis and a worse reputation. As new information becomes available, screening recommendations may change, so be sure to stay up-to-date by consulting your primary "piump" (prostetutional advisor).

Vote on this here blog and get a free rickets exam.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Like, Jeopardy Smart

I think that sometimes you have to ask yourself, what were they thinking? There's this company that makes a lot of children's toys and accessories....Let's call them Shmisher Shmice. With the giant arsenal of baby fun time gay stuff, there's one in particular I'd like to address, which I can't possibly allow my daughter to "explore the possibilities" with. Behold, the Shmisher Shmice nail clippers.

Now, this thing is obviously too small for me to play with, so it must have been made for a baby's enjoyment and entertainment. What happened to bouncy balls and bikes? Hell, even ShmcDonald's toys for them to suffocate with. Somehow, this company got nail clippers passed us highly intelligent parents. I don't even think they would get passed the airport security and they find it necessary for children to have these things; but being so very smart, like Jeopardy smart, I followed my instincts and took it out of the package for her to play with. Almost immediately she was hemorrhaging at the neck. I told my wife she didn't follow the instructions correctly, but for some reason it was all MY fault. My wife said we were supposed to cut her nails with them and she wasn't supposed to play with it. Then I said, "then why do they make them child size? Hmm?" Long story short, the boss won that argument.

I'll tell you what isn't made for children...
That's right, baby killers, vaincoats, soldier sleeves. I took this picture at Shmal-Mart and what was more puzzling than the people staring at me and wondering what I was doing taking pictures of condoms with my phone, was the sign just above it...

Answer me this: If you are trying to prevent birth, is that the same as planning a family? Shouldn't that be called, family prevention? They should put a giant sign at eye level that says, "HOW NOT TO HAVE A FAMILY, YOU BASTARD", but I don't think that would go over too well with their PR department. But hey, if you really want to prevent a family first hand, get your children some Shmisher Shmice nail clippers....or do it in the butt.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Happy Food and Killer Rigs

Only a few people have entered my mind and survived to tell the story; but just like milk, moonshine, and Jonestown Kool-Aid, you can only drink so much. In this world of random nothingness, I ponder constantly about things that none have dared to, for lack of better words. Things like, does my breakfast food love me?
Does Wiley Coyote ever consider moving to the city, where packages from ACME are always sent to the wrong address? Has Will Farrell ever said anything funny? Will Joan Rivers eventually implode from all that skin tightening?

Here's a thought for the day. I think trucks are out to get us. Why would I say such a thing? Because I can see them staring at me every time I'm driving behind one...

and the damn Pepsi truck was even laughing at me.

Last night I was thinking how it would be great if someone invented an air conditioner that goes inside your pillow. You know how you get it to where it's nice and cool, but it only lasts a couple minutes, if that; then you have to keep flipping it over and over to keep the cold side on your face.
Or what about remote control socks, or a battery charger that's only good for charging its own batteries. At least it would never go dead.
Anyway, I'll keep it short because it's late, but don't think I won't save some for tomorrow.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Are You Ready for the TRUTH?!

Mrs. Clause is a clone.....There, I said it. The man at the North Pole doesn't want you to know her first name because he replaces her every 20 years or so. That's why we just call her Mrs. Clause. The North Pole is the easiest place in the world to hide bodies...This is also how he keeps the number of elves at a standard. What do you think he feeds the reindeer? I'm telling you once, I'm telling you twice....Santa's a F$@&in' murderer!
You should also consider getting out of aiding and abetting his money laundering scheme while you can.

What? You don't know what I'm talking about? Imagine the tax write-off he gets every year with as many presents he "claims" to give away. Have you ever seen this happen? No. Do lying parents tell you it happens? Every day. So, now we've established he's also a fraud. I don't know about you, but I want to expose this bastard once and for all. He even steals milk from me.......he breaks in the house un-f%$ing detected like a damn ninja, then just up and steals the damn milk! Who does that? Seriously! Who steals milk? Does he need something to wash that reindeer meat down with? Ohhh...ohh...Cookies you say. Yeah, he did it all for the cookies......Damnit, can't you see the pattern here?!?! There are no cookies because your parents ate them. They don't drink the milk because it's gotten warm by the time they remember it's there. They're a part of this scam along with corporate America. This is a national conspiracy here! Do you know what that means? Most of the christians in the world are lying, stealing, murdering, cover-up artists that help this country hide who the real mastermind behind all of this is.............Elvis.

Elvis shook his hips for one and only one end result...

To make this one particular child cry.
Why? Because he's Elvis.

Super Mario in Logic Land

I'm still trying to figure out what makes a plumber super, other than the super prices they charge on the weekend. The issue at hand is the imagination that is required to think up all the things that make up the Super Mario world. You have plumbers from Brooklyn, a bunch of mushroom people, their ruler, rainbow colored dinosaurs, flying turtles, midgets in hockey masks, magic stars, go-karts, tennis, melee fighting, and floating coins and keys. You guessed it; this is the work of very stoned, very delusional, deadheads. How high do you have to be to put together a pseudo evil counterpart to a hyperactive plumber, a pigme with shroom hat, trying to collect a red shell, so they can knock down a potted Venus fly trap and a giant monkey with a neck-tie, from a huge rainbow road with a vacuum tube in the middle of space? Pretty high... You ever seen a plumber playing golf? Hell no, they'd be at the titty-bar, slipping giant revolving gold coins into a strippers super g-string.....and somebody please tell me how picking turnips out of the ground helps my fighting skills against an albatross. Here's another question: How do they even bring in old-timey piano music into chocolate chip cookie land with mud monsters and fireball spitting flowers and somehow it fits?!?! You're all being brainwashed into getting plastered every time you pick up the controller and I don't feel sorry for you. I can't believe people will play this kind of weird trippy, imaginary hoopajoob junktastic crap. Ugh.........I'm gonna go finish Bart vs. the Space Mutants. That's where the reality is.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Please Stop Pooping on My Tax Money

Sometimes you wonder what the hell the government's thinking. Okay, you pretty much have to think that all the time. We're forced by logic and reason to question a flawed society of full of people that only show one eye in their myspace pictures......from their bathroom mirror......making that god-awful kissy face. But that's only a mild burden. What really bothers me is how the government flitters our money into the trash can like a giant, gay gust of wind. Are your tax dollars hard at work for you? Mine isn't and I have proof.

Picture provided by Charles Jones

This sign is located at every rest stop in North Carolina. Someone actually took the time and money to have these made; featuring a poor, dilapidated and environmentally friendly dog asking you kindly to pick up his poop......WHAT?!?! First of all, they couldn't just put up a sign that said, "pick up your dog's poop", oh no. Now, they're into mind control, distorting reality, and making me doubt my ability to read. Look, NC, if dogs could talk, they'd be asking me, "why the hell are we still at this damn rest stop? I just s*@# five minutes ago and I need me some grits and chittlins and biscuits (or whatever these hicks eat down here.) ". Honestly, I don't even think that's MY dog. Why would I pick up somebody else's dog's poop? I really don't need any poop right now per say. In the event that I absolutely crave poop, or a free map, I'll visit the rest stop. If the gov. wanted me to take the time and put animal feces in my hand, they would erect a huge sign with a picture of Hillary Clinton on it that says, "Please shove all of your poop into my mouth"; and said mouth would be the trash door. I would make an extra trip just to do that.

To our government, Spend our tax dollars more wisely and make me a Hillary sign with a poop mouth please.

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