Thursday, July 31, 2008
"Rosie O'Donnell is very plumpy." Her speechless reaction simply said to me, "Either I'm a moron or she is". I'm joyous over that. I have something to keep her occupied with while I scheme an outline on how I can convince her that paper cards with drawings of really weird crap can tell the future, especially if you cut the deck. I hope no one's thought of that yet.
What ever happened to psychic friends? I had a few that said they cared....about my ongoing phone service, but if they were really my friends, they'd call me once in a while. I haven't heard from Dionne in years. I wanted to be a psychic friend, but of course I'd have to do it my way. I would have the best gimmick that $2.99 per minute could buy. I'd be a mime with anger issues. I could totally cuss people out and they'd stay on the line to keep asking me what I said. Of course eventually the customer would hang up, but I'm a mime, I'm above that.
Mimes don't need people to approve of their lifestyle. We have a dignity and self respect that surpasses that of normal individuals. We can climb ropes, pull things toward us, and be trapped in a box in a single afternoon. Plus, we don't even need the first amendment. We even pretend to cry just to get the sympathy of children and their lower middle class parents, so we can brag to our friends at the coffee shop in the middle of their poetry and bitching about the government........
until one day....
we're impaled by unicorns.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Getty Lee nude on a leather couch spreading mustard and rice patties all over Ving Raimes for three dollars.
Monday, July 28, 2008
He didn't come to the team meeting.
This morning was an inside and highly embarrassing moment for myself and the Mrs. when I remembered that today was our anniversary at around 10:30 or so. We both forgot, but I get extra points because I'm a guy and I remembered before she did. I am now the "Mickety Man", or Charles Kuralt . One of them definitely. We went to Applebee's, and I'm guessing I ordered the chewy pubic steak, because that's what I got. She apparently ordered the "we peed on your chicken".
I like Applebee's because they claim to serve both men AND women....or they are men and women; and that's a plus. Restaurants should always have people in them. They're even nice enough to leave you completely alone and at peace when you come through the door.........for about ten minutes or so. The employees walk by and pretend that you're not there, but that's all part of the act. I heard it was one of those places where everybody kids around like that. One of them told me they didn't care about the customers, but I know better. I just giggled at his joke. Odd how he kept a straight face though. The only thing I couldn't figure out was the welcome mat...
I wonder what it means.
Don't be a douche. Give me a smiley face!....Or at least leave a comment for your local Pantera Bread solicitors. We care a hell of a lot more than Applebee's or we'll break your f#!&ing arm!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
That's just the dumbest thing in the world. no wait. I take that back. THIS is the dumbest thing in the world...
Shouldn't this little piece of information be on the actual toilet and not on the wall? Some blind guy will walk up and say, "hey, it says toilet, I guess it's right here.", so he starts pissing right there in the hallway while the deaf people point and laugh (of course, someone will have to get their attention by waving their arms frantically). Not only that, this fine establishment is implying that blind people should by default be in a wheelchair. That's pretty damn discriminatory. So you're telling me that this place has a handicapped stall big enough for this poor blind fellow, his wheelchair, and his dog? how's he gonna be able to tell if there's diarrhea splattered all over the seat? Not only that, how would his dog let him know? Most importantly, how will this unfortunate blind cripple get his seeing eye companion to stop drinking out of the toilet so he can tinkle?!?!
Apparently I'm going to have to call in an expert on the subject.
This ol' fart right here.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Alright so it wasn't a carefully thought out plan.
But in all of these "trial and error...and more error...and yet even more error" situations, I've come up with something that will revolutionize the industry of its related field. I call it, "The Garbage Bag Box Bag".
I know what you're thinking: "how does it work?" Well, I have somewhat of a more complex answer than what you might expect from me. There's a very paradoxical qualm that me and my other three personalities experience regarding garbage maintenance, usually around 2:00 in the morning, when I put the voices on their 15 minute break. Have you ever noticed that you buy a box of trash bags, then eventually you run out and so you discard the empty box in the remaining trash bag...which is why I'm inventing the Garbage Bag Box Bag. It's a box of garbage bags that comes in a bag itself, utilizing the concept of what's trash and what's not. See, this way it's not like throwing away the trash bag container in the trash, it's like you're initially just pulling trash bags out of the existing trash. For me it's a lot less confusion, plus you get an extra bag out of it; but I think with at least a few of you, your head just exploded.
If you don't want to have to invent super cool household accessories, then you better start preparing for the zombie fish invasion. A few of them learned how to nibble away crud from in between the toes. They got that goin' for them. I hope that's not Scott Baio's feet. on the left.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I know, I peed a little too. Now on to the review that I'm always late for. I can't believe Bale's arrested already ....anyway. Great f%$#in' movie! I know Batman continuity and it had very little, but the story almost made up for it. Look at what we had to compare it to! I hate you Joel Schumacher.
Anyway. The "pencil trick" for those who haven't seen it, was really quick, but it's obvious where it goes..........Oklahoma. So far, I've seen a guy get hit by a bus, a semi flip a 180, an "English" butler out-philosophy a district attorney, a lawyer incriminate hundreds of people at one time, and a black guy get cut in the mouth. After all of that, Where were the dead hockey players from Dogma?!?! The movie wasn't missing much except for the batcave, strippers with bat nipples, the entire cast of Fame, nachos, Goobers, and an exert from Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. Overall, I'm not giving away anything because some of you would rather see Spiderman (..........) on opening day than little ol' Batman, but see the damn movie. Although Harvey Dent got a pretty nasty sunburn, it shouldn't leave a huge scab.
Click and Win!!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Click this link and vote before I poop myself.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Some people hate immigrants, I would love to be one. Do you have any idea what the government does for these people? It’s far less beneficial to be a born citizen….unless you’re Ralph Nader. He’s so special he gets to run for president every term. I wish I was that special. Speaking of special, I went all retarded yesterday when my wife “got’er hurr did”(that’s how educationally challenged folks say it), she looked as if she was Jean Grey and I had a retainer. It was pretty hot. If she were to pee standing up, I’d still give her props; Although, I’d wonder how I got my daughter after that……and I might throw up in my mouth a little…..and I think I was advised to mention…yak poop? I guess we’ll never know whether or not yak poop has adverse effects on Mr. Nader; but we can still dream.
Look, Ralphie boy's only problem is that he just forgets to tell people he's still here. Maybe a little, "Hey, remember me? I'm that guy!" would suffice, but I don't remember getting that bulletin on Myspace. All I get is friend request from a picture of two boys that look like girls kissing each other.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Helibutt (giant buttox): Helibutt is a popular white ass which provides many nutrients such as Cellulite, saline, Heroin, and several illegal vitamins. But most importantly, hellibutt is a great source of omega 3 ass-ential fatty acids which are vital to heart health and curb service. The ass-ential fatty acids help with cardiovastesticular arousel, stroke prevention and encouragement, detoxification, climax control, and help offend minorities. The best ways to prepare helibutt are by baking brownies or stretching the fish flaps. It has a slightly sweet taste when no hair is present and goes well with mixed races or in a sandwich. The peak season is the summer and fall months (minus those heavy days) so check out your local crack house for this flaky fish!
Simple let me see yo Grill Helibutt
8 ball, cut into 4 equal parts (you'll need 4 straws)
3 tbsp. jesus juice
2 tbsp. baby oil
Fresh ground beef queef
Rinse yourself and pat dry(patting dry usually makes it wetter). Whisk together jesus juice and baby oil and pour into a zippered pair of pants. Add fish to the bag and marinade in mouth for 30 minutes. Start showing your grill. Tear off 4 pieces of aluminum foil for your corn rows (each piece should be larger than the fish) and rub one out on each piece with baby oil. Take fish out of your pants, discard marinade into a spittoon. Place fish on the toilet with the aluminum foil. Transfer fish smell on your grill and cover your mouth. Cook about 20 minutes or until fish is opaque(we don’t know what opaque means).
Friday, July 18, 2008
and at low prices I might add. Here's the African American section. These are the "black" books right next to.....the books. Do you know what kind of "litratoore" is on the other side for us "whiteys"?
The damn Backpack Bible. I, myself have been waiting for the fanny pack Bible, but apparently I'm not allowed to "carry" things while I'm at the nude beach.......Oddly enough they let me wear pants though.....They must know me there.
So what's my point? If you weren't offended at that, how about what we did next at the homeliest place on earth:
This is the express lane, just in case you're in a hurry to get back to your wire wheel kitchen table and your Dale Earnhardt collectible glow-in-the-dark, limited edition bong set. A small Asian woman is at the counter paying with singles. My wife mentioned the possibility of her being a stripper, then resumed getting money out for our purchase. I saw the "Fie Dolla" and whispered to my wife, "give it to her"....."long time". Sadly, she'd rather buy caramel flavored rice cakes then to get some long time. What a world we live in.
Oh.... no, these women aren't Vulcans and their faces aren't really that screwed up, well not the one in pink.....but the boobs resting ever so harmlessly on the counter.....priceless.
So do me the honors and "clicky clicky" long time on this here uh....button.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Anyway, I found some famous quotes that put me to sleep, then I peed myself twice; so I would advise against reading the originals unless you're sporting some Huggies. (Once again, my stuff in BLUE)
“Nothing in the world can take the place of physical oddities. retardation will not; nothing is more uncommon than unsuccessful men with extra appendages. Down syndrome will not; unrewarded roles in “Life Goes On” is almost a given . Bum fights will not; the world is full of homeless derelicts… and apparently, redundancy. Persistence and determination alone are just like Pearl Harbor. The slogan, ‘Eat at Joe’s' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”
--Calvin Coolidge & that one guy from Chips (not the homo…the other one)
“The secret of pimpin’ for both hand and cheek is not to show pity for the bitches, not to front about the money, or not to anticipate straight trippin’, but to live in the damn moment an’ stop bein’ a lil’ biutch.”
--Buddha & Dolemite
So take a minute and reflect on these dead and jobless mens' words of wisdom while you vote a little for this blog and I practice the art of straight trippin'. So click on this link and keepeth thy pimp hand strong.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
(My "insertions" in BLUE)
By the way, this in no way reflects blah blah blah and such an so on about other companies and their affiliates and whatever dude, it's a damn blog!
STD Prevention – Early screening
Three of the best investments in your pants come in the form of routine physical affection, cough tests and immunizations. Here is a compiled list of recommended tests and testing intervals based on age, gender and fugly factor:
* Every 20-30 years starting at age 12, every 1-2 after age 13, and yearly after age 97
* Health history and family history (family history for mountain folk only)
* Blood Pressure
* Height , Weight , and girth
* Skin check: looking for unusual moles located inside the anal cavity
* Basic instinct exam: chest, lungs, abdomen, leg swap, and other bodily fluid systems to ensure they are functioning properly before time of sigmoidoscopy
* Cholesterol Check: starting at age 9; if you smoke poles, have diabetes or if heart-on disease runs in your family, begin checking cholesterol at age 6
* Sexually Anatomical Colorectal Cancer Screening (S.A.C.C.S.): starting at age 50 in Caucasians and 45 in African Americans, 8 months for Jews
* Lipid Profile: every 5 years (If you don’t know what a Lipid is, we’re not gonna tell you)
* Diabetes: if you have high blood pressure or high school libido
* Lung X-Ray (smokers), Hooka x-ray for marijuana users
* Hearing as a result of your ears working (this is the opposite of not hearing)
* Syphilis Vaccine: consult your doctor if burning sensation during urination consists
* Tetanus: every 10 years or 100,000 miles
* Pneumonia Vaccine: at age 65…….or before you actually get Pneumonia.
* HPV (Homo People Virus) Vaccine: women only, age 13-26, vegans at age 17 until dead
* Shingles Vaccine (you know, so your roof doesn’t get blown when you do)
* Mammogram: every two years beginning in the womb
* Pat smear (guitarist for Nirvana): every year after age 18, or earlier if you are sexually active. We recommend you never touch the guy.
* Thyroid blood test for steroid users with tiny adam’s apples
* Bone Scan (for osteoporosis): bone density test at age 65; if you are 61-64 and weigh less than 645 lbs., talk to your doctor. If you’re bone can’t get density, consult your local prostitute.
* Prostate Exam: yearly starting at puberty, then at least 3 times a day until marriage or death… which ever is more desirable
By participating in routine screenings for herpes and rickets, diseases are found early in the morning and treatment can begin without delay or pride, leading to a better prognosis and a worse reputation. As new information becomes available, screening recommendations may change, so be sure to stay up-to-date by consulting your primary "piump" (prostetutional advisor).
Vote on this here blog and get a free rickets exam.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I think that sometimes you have to ask yourself, what were they thinking? There's this company that makes a lot of children's toys and accessories....Let's call them Shmisher Shmice. With the giant arsenal of baby fun time gay stuff, there's one in particular I'd like to address, which I can't possibly allow my daughter to "explore the possibilities" with. Behold, the Shmisher Shmice nail clippers.
Now, this thing is obviously too small for me to play with, so it must have been made for a baby's enjoyment and entertainment. What happened to bouncy balls and bikes? Hell, even ShmcDonald's toys for them to suffocate with. Somehow, this company got nail clippers passed us highly intelligent parents. I don't even think they would get passed the airport security and they find it necessary for children to have these things; but being so very smart, like Jeopardy smart, I followed my instincts and took it out of the package for her to play with. Almost immediately she was hemorrhaging at the neck. I told my wife she didn't follow the instructions correctly, but for some reason it was all MY fault. My wife said we were supposed to cut her nails with them and she wasn't supposed to play with it. Then I said, "then why do they make them child size? Hmm?" Long story short, the boss won that argument.
That's right, baby killers, vaincoats, soldier sleeves. I took this picture at Shmal-Mart and what was more puzzling than the people staring at me and wondering what I was doing taking pictures of condoms with my phone, was the sign just above it...
Friday, July 11, 2008
Does Wiley Coyote ever consider moving to the city, where packages from ACME are always sent to the wrong address? Has Will Farrell ever said anything funny? Will Joan Rivers eventually implode from all that skin tightening?
Here's a thought for the day. I think trucks are out to get us. Why would I say such a thing? Because I can see them staring at me every time I'm driving behind one...
and the damn Pepsi truck was even laughing at me.
Last night I was thinking how it would be great if someone invented an air conditioner that goes inside your pillow. You know how you get it to where it's nice and cool, but it only lasts a couple minutes, if that; then you have to keep flipping it over and over to keep the cold side on your face.
Or what about remote control socks, or a battery charger that's only good for charging its own batteries. At least it would never go dead.
Anyway, I'll keep it short because it's late, but don't think I won't save some for tomorrow.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
You should also consider getting out of aiding and abetting his money laundering scheme while you can.
What? You don't know what I'm talking about? Imagine the tax write-off he gets every year with as many presents he "claims" to give away. Have you ever seen this happen? No. Do lying parents tell you it happens? Every day. So, now we've established he's also a fraud. I don't know about you, but I want to expose this bastard once and for all. He even steals milk from me.......he breaks in the house un-f%$ing detected like a damn ninja, then just up and steals the damn milk! Who does that? Seriously! Who steals milk? Does he need something to wash that reindeer meat down with? Ohhh...ohh...Cookies you say. Yeah, he did it all for the cookies......Damnit, can't you see the pattern here?!?! There are no cookies because your parents ate them. They don't drink the milk because it's gotten warm by the time they remember it's there. They're a part of this scam along with corporate America. This is a national conspiracy here! Do you know what that means? Most of the christians in the world are lying, stealing, murdering, cover-up artists that help this country hide who the real mastermind behind all of this is.............Elvis.
Elvis shook his hips for one and only one end result...
To make this one particular child cry.
Why? Because he's Elvis.
I'm still trying to figure out what makes a plumber super, other than the super prices they charge on the weekend. The issue at hand is the imagination that is required to think up all the things that make up the Super Mario world. You have plumbers from Brooklyn, a bunch of mushroom people, their ruler, rainbow colored dinosaurs, flying turtles, midgets in hockey masks, magic stars, go-karts, tennis, melee fighting, and floating coins and keys. You guessed it; this is the work of very stoned, very delusional, deadheads. How high do you have to be to put together a pseudo evil counterpart to a hyperactive plumber, a pigme with shroom hat, trying to collect a red shell, so they can knock down a potted Venus fly trap and a giant monkey with a neck-tie, from a huge rainbow road with a vacuum tube in the middle of space? Pretty high... You ever seen a plumber playing golf? Hell no, they'd be at the titty-bar, slipping giant revolving gold coins into a strippers super g-string.....and somebody please tell me how picking turnips out of the ground helps my fighting skills against an albatross. Here's another question: How do they even bring in old-timey piano music into chocolate chip cookie land with mud monsters and fireball spitting flowers and somehow it fits?!?! You're all being brainwashed into getting plastered every time you pick up the controller and I don't feel sorry for you. I can't believe people will play this kind of weird trippy, imaginary hoopajoob junktastic crap. Ugh.........I'm gonna go finish Bart vs. the Space Mutants. That's where the reality is.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Picture provided by Charles Jones
This sign is located at every rest stop in North Carolina. Someone actually took the time and money to have these made; featuring a poor, dilapidated and environmentally friendly dog asking you kindly to pick up his poop......WHAT?!?! First of all, they couldn't just put up a sign that said, "pick up your dog's poop", oh no. Now, they're into mind control, distorting reality, and making me doubt my ability to read. Look, NC, if dogs could talk, they'd be asking me, "why the hell are we still at this damn rest stop? I just s*@# five minutes ago and I need me some grits and chittlins and biscuits (or whatever these hicks eat down here.) ". Honestly, I don't even think that's MY dog. Why would I pick up somebody else's dog's poop? I really don't need any poop right now per say. In the event that I absolutely crave poop, or a free map, I'll visit the rest stop. If the gov. wanted me to take the time and put animal feces in my hand, they would erect a huge sign with a picture of Hillary Clinton on it that says, "Please shove all of your poop into my mouth"; and said mouth would be the trash door. I would make an extra trip just to do that.
To our government, Spend our tax dollars more wisely and make me a Hillary sign with a poop mouth please.
If you would, please click on this link and rate this blog. I'm pretty sure you have to be a member, but it really only takes about as long as it does to crap in the grass.
This Bitch Be Licensed
The Nothing Report by Beau Horner is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at thenothingreport.blogspot.com.
The Nothing Archive
- ► 2011 (10)
- ► 2009 (56)
- Dionne, Rosie, & Me....& a Unicorn
- ABC Family's Ping Pong Ball Trick
- Pantera Bread Beats Crapplebee's
- Turning a Blind (Brown) Eye
- Like Shooting Fish in the Chest
- Finally, My Dark Knight Review
- More Poop for a Sugar Free Tomorrow
- Nader of the Lost....Yak?
- Pour Some Jesus Juice on That
- Love You Long Time for Every Day Low Prices!
- Seriously, Who the Hell Was That Guy From Chips?
- STD Prevention......Consult Your Prostetutional Ad...
- Like, Jeopardy Smart
- Happy Food and Killer Rigs
- Are You Ready for the TRUTH?!
- Super Mario in Logic Land
- Please Stop Pooping on My Tax Money
- Toys R Definately Not Us
- Corn on the Fourth of July
- Batman #678 R.I.P. part 3 (Spoilers… and those lit...
- Hey! She is a Handsom Woman
- One Good Burn Deserves an Allah
- ▼ July (22)
Some Free Plugs From People That Don't Know Me
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