Friday, May 29, 2009

Drag Me to Hell: I Understand, I Can't Get a Damn Loan Either

I watched a movie preview the other night for the new Sam Raimi flick, Drag Me to Hell, and let me first say that when I saw this trailer I couldn't stop laughing. It didn't at first seem to me like it was a comedy, but when the plot comes from an old lady that can't get a loan extension, you don't really get much funnier. What the hell was everyone thinking? Was this supposed to be the best someone that makes way too much money could think of? Seriously, THIS is what they came up with. It sounds to me like this was a stand-up bit someone did in the 80's.
You ever have trouble getting a loan? Ask a gypsy what she would do. Apparently, not getting the bank's money spawns a worse reaction than getting called a bitch by the farris wheel.
Of course I haven't seen this yet. it comes out today, but I don't think 20 bucks will grace its presence at the theater in my name.

Honestly, I'd rather wait for the Adventures of Rape Ape to come out in theaters.

What better way to believe you're being drug into a fiery pit of torture and anguish than to be chased around by a gigantic purple gorilla's half-ton monkey wang shaped like a nuclear missle, trying to pop your black cherry......forever.

The movie in general will probably get bad reviews, but I could be wrong and people really like movie plots that somewhat rip off Steven King stories.

Maybe the girl will have to get her friends to eat her pie in order to lift the curse. It might look a little bloody, but you should be okay as long as you can walk through mud.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Day: 2 Pets 1 Duck

Memorial Day is one of those days that seems a little like society steps on my head and says......"wake up you bastard!" Living right by a cemetery doesn't exactly make things much better. It actually ranks right up there with Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on the door at 7AM. Gunshots going off and black helicopters flying over the house; I almost thought I was Joel Schumacher right after he did Batman and Robin. There's nothing better than waking up to the house shaking like Scooby Doo with Parkinson's.

The most obvious reason I wouldn't want to wake up early is so that I don't have to watch Wonder Pets. Have you ever seen this show? My daughter is addicted to it, so there's no doubt my wife thinks that's a good thing. Some people are addicted to scat movies, but you don't see me on a blog encouraging them to watch a girl poop into a cup and puke it into another girl's mouth after ingesting it. Wonder Pets makes me think that I've done something horribly wrong (like that time I got some peanut butter and I.......... never mind that) and God is punishing me beyond what anyone on Earth could possibly imagine (besides the creators of Wonder Pets). If I ever hear a duckling mispronounce it's R's in real life, I'm going to blow it away with a 10 gauge and eat the remains.

The only thing that comforts me at night is knowing that the electricity is subject to disconnection.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Ah, to Be So Bold...

Before less than a minute ago, I had no idea what to write, but lo and behold America the beautiful provides me with and endless slew of ammunition. This is gonna be great so pay very close attention....very close attention, because the world is about to help me laugh my ass off; but by no means am I going to give you anyone's phone number.......

My wife received an email from a girl in our hometown, looking just as hick as the rest of this place (no offense Gastonia, I still love you like fat kids love....being called fat.) Anyway, this chick wants to have a threesome with my ball and chain and her boyfriend. The funny part is that this poor excuse for someone that can actually read a married status, she also ironically left her phone number along with this message. Like I said, by no means am I gonna give you anyone's phone number....and it definitely wouldn't start with a seven, even if I did want to give it to you. Honestly, you'd probably get zero response from me, especially if you asked me for it four times, or even eight times. I'm like a brick wall that way. You'll get absolutely nothing out of me. The only reason why I say zero response is because when I'm given something that people should keep private from people they don't know, there's most likely at least seven reasons that it should stop there and go no further. It's called confidentiality.

oh, I almost forgot...

Have you ever seen that movie, Seven? I think I've seen it six times or so, but there was one time in particular that I really enjoyed it, then I saw it five more times...

by the way, don't give your phone number out on the internet. Someone might post it on a blog or something.

Monday, May 11, 2009

The Street Corners Just Got Sexier....and Less....Lively?

You know, I appreciate hookers just like everybody else, but it seems to me like there's no more excitement in paying for sex and/or transmitted diseases these days. The romance is gone and all you're left with is paying for diseases. There are much more invigorating things in this world that I think are worth spending your money on, like having sex with a whale. No... not Star Jones, I mean an actual whale. You could pretty much just find a pore and go to town; just don't leave them on the beach covered in oil....Animal rights activists don't like that too much. On the other hand, I have an idea for movies that no one's ever done and I think whether or not it's possible in real life to spend some green on gang green, it sure would be worth it to see it on the green screen.

I'm talking about ZOMBIE HOOKERS!! Think about it, what better way to come home to your wife then smelling like death? Rather than perfume, shame, and the occasional AIDS, you're sporting the rotting flesh odor and the more occasional than not, maggots all over your shwing shwong.
I know what you're thinking, you want one of those dead girls that are only about 50% there. I call it, the "Half Nelson" special.....Her name is actually Nelson, I thought it was fitting. The less of the zombie there actually is, the higher the price goes. You like hand jobs? How about one from just a hand? The skin might be rough, but just look at those fingernails! Do you like the almost a skeleton look? Try out our Leonard McCoy model. (too inside?) She's been here for years and our veteran "Prostizombie" (Yeah, I came up with that word; if you want to use it now, get out your money clip) If you enjoy back alley hookers, you'll want to see our back alley dumpster zombabies. Don't worry, they're over 18......they've just been in there for 18 years. (you know, that last one kind of makes me want to rethink my sense of humor, but I digress, so no one take this on a personal level please, I have sympathy for real dead people, like Anne Coulter and John Candy.)
So if you're not afraid to try something new, be sure to try something old! I turned away quite a few living women because now I have a Prostizombie fetish, so now they're dying to meet me.

Awww, come on, you didn't think I was going out on that one, did you? Ok, how about this one.......Two prostizombies walk into a bar......................................................and the other one says..........uuuuuuhhhhhhhggggg.