Wednesday, October 12, 2011

That's Just... Special Needs?

When I was a kid, we used to call each other names, like butt-head, momma's boy, and dingle-berry (those little chunks of poop that hang to the hair on your sphincter). We said things like, "I know you are, but what am I" and the other kid would try to say something new, as to expand their vocabulary skills. Some people said those things to make others feel bad, some people like me used to say them just to get a laugh out of everyone else, but most of the other kids used those words primarily to hear the words themselves come out of their mouth, as if it was some sort of a rite of passage into becoming an adult. Nowadays, I don't really think it's all that different. We call each other fagot, retard, nigger, spic, cracker, fat-ass, bitch, and sometimes Chester the child molester. A lot of the time, friends will use these words to joke around with each other without any kind of hostility; it's just a way for them to express their comfort level with each other and maybe get a laugh in here and there. The only difference between this and when we were kids is that all over the country, not only do people make videos of two chicks licking their own poop out of a cup, those terms are used within a context of deep-seeded hatred towards the people they speak against. I can't help it if I likes 'em young... and retarded....and usually wearing food themed costumes... which in a sense leads me to my subject for the day.

I apologize in advance; this post is not about food themed costumes.

I don't usually go around calling people names (I have a much more colorful vocabulary to exercise), but I do appreciate being able to use words for their meaning without ignorant yuppies duct taping my mouth because they get offended in the name of other people, taking the blame to steal the credit in so many words. Ah, the college hippies and preppy schmucks in this world love to find things that'll make others notice them. They should find a cup and have at it.

What I'm talking about mainly is the word retarded. Now so far I only know of a few uses for the word; someone that's mentally handicapped, when you think an idea or situation is dumb in nature (i.e. the fact Obama is still in office is retarded), or possibly when something is slow and doesn't work right (i.e. my printer is retarded). First of all, I want to go to the core of the word itself and find it, not in a back alley doling out penguins for smack, but in a dictionary somewhere... possibly looking for meth. Let's take a look at what it says at

characterized by retardation: a retarded child.

( used with a plural verb ) mentally retarded  persons collectively (usually preceded by the ): new schools for the retarded.

But now lookie what somebody snuck in at

re·tard·ed  (r-tärdd)
1. Often Offensive Affected with mental retardation.
2. Occurring or developing later than desired or expected; delayed.

Often offensive? Why does that definition have nothing to do with the second one? One of them is the actual definition, the other one sneaks in a little usage in there; but it's completely subjective as to what's offensive, isn't it? Here's my point. I have someone in my family that is mentally retarded. If I talk about him to anyone, that's what I say. I say he's retarded. I've been told that he's not retarded, he's a special needs child, or he's mentally handicapped. I don't see a difference other than the fact that people these days don't want to face the truth. If a child is mentally handicapped, they're retarded by definition. I know you feel bad for them; I do too, but you're acting retarded.... and stop licking that doorknob!

 Let's talk about the term special needs. I have an overwhelming urge to get off at least five times a day, so much in fact it impairs my better judgment (there's a little fun fact about me for you). That's a special need. You can call it a want, an addiction, or even a hobby; I call it a need. Smokers have the ability to choose to quit smoking... or do they? Most of them need to smoke, otherwise they wouldn't keep doing it for lack of better judgment. Some people smoke those godawful clove cigarettes. I'd consider those people in the special needs category. Circus clowns who have to wear custom-made, comically large, medically prescribed shoes because they have comically large flat feet. That's pretty special.  My point is, you can use the term for a wide diversity of things without ever touching on the mental aspect. Retarded means retarded when earnestly describing a person. There are those who call it "the R word". Seriously? I'm sorry you're not able to handle a group of letters made to create a sound that comes out of your mouth and is used in a derogatory or vulgar way, but you can't simply erase the words themselves and replace them with more flowery words in an attempt to mask your insecurities about what it means. If everyone did that, we could lose the words tease, cow, chicken, whale, toothpick, fairy, cupcake, princess, spade, eggplant, yellow, cracker, jerk, junior, and fruity just to name a few. If you really want to split hairs, the word special is used for people to make fun of each other by insinuating they're retarded. Let's get rid of that one too. We'll have to come up with yet another charmingly spoken, non-offensive sidestep term for a word we already have. Let's just call them not retarded. That's what you're going for isn't it? If they're not retarded, you should be able to call them, not retarded. Yet, you come up with a new term that means the same thing in order to push your agenda that the person in question isn't retarded, they're just underdeveloped mentally. Wait..... We HAVE a word for that! It's called, retarded. If they are retarded, you should be able to call them retarded. Sorry, but we don't have a word that means retarded but not retarded. I doubt we ever will. We might, however, have solar powered socks one day... I don't know the science behind it, but doesn't it sound expensive?


This is what retarded looks like with money.

I just thought this was funny. Enjoy.
Don't get me wrong, the word retard isn't really necessary, even though it has a hint of meaning the same thing; it's use is always derogatory and I can understand when someone takes offense, but that's still no reason to deny others' freedom of speech. I don't care what people call me, they're allowed to say anything they like, and in return I'm allowed to say anything I like. That's the way freedom works. Instead you have all of these stuck-up bigots with retarded kids and nothing better to do, trying to take freedoms away, knowing full well that there isn't one single retarded child taking offense.

So, the message for today is: Stop trying to pretend certain words shouldn't exist because of the way others use them. Not only that, stop getting offended about every little thing! The rest of us are running out of room to breathe. Besides, ff you really want to replace the word retarded with another word that has similar meaning........ how about, Juggalo?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Pro Life, Pro Death, Pro Choice, Pro Choiceless

Sometimes, there's a need to be serious. This is not one of those times; but if I'm known for one thing, I'm known for controversy. Why? Because it's fun and it's free. It's fun because people get offended all day long and I was put on this Earth by God himself to put my finger in your face and poke you over and over, asking you if it's annoying yet. Why do people get mad because you dislike, disagree, teach/preach against whatever it is they're promoting? That's simple. People hate your opinion because they want their peers to think their opinion is right. When you challenge that absolute authority, you're trying to get a piece of the lion's elk. Sometimes you can have the end that loosened up postmortem, but they usually save that end for Kathy Griffin.

People ask all the time, are you "pro choice" or "pro life" ? Do they ask because they're curious like asking you your favorite color? Hardly. They ask you because they're dying to tell you their stance on the issue and most likely want to debate you on the matter if your opinion differs from theirs. People love to shove highly debatable grenades in your anus, just to see if it explodes out of your mouth. Now me, I like anus bazookas... That came out wrong... What I meant was, I enjoy shoving back; especially with points that make sense. I hope no one got as turned on as I did right there... Did they?

See, I have no idea how long people will argue about whether or not abortion is morally right or wrong, but that's not the only way to argue the issue. First of all, Why are the two stances called Pro life and Pro choice? Either you're aborting the baby or you're not aborting the baby, right? Aren't those opposite choices? Either you do it, or you don't do it. (Kind of like... you got raped by a gang of 80-year-old women dressed as Storm Troopers, or you didn't get raped by 80-year-old women dressed as Storm Troopers.) Maybe they should be named as such. Instead of calling it Pro life and Pro choice, call it Pro life and Pro death (or even "Pro prevent life"). Why don't they call it pro death? That's pretty obvious; no one can push their agenda when they blatantly say they favor death. What's funny is, Pro life is in the perspective of the baby, Pro choice is in the perspective of the mother. Isn't that a little odd, that one "choice" is named to favor the one that can't consciously make a decision and one "choice" favors one that can? On the other side of the coin we could always call it Pro choice and Pro choiceless. In this scenario, Pro choice being in the perspective of the mother and Pros choiceless being in the perspective of the baby. Seems only fair, don't you think?

You would think if it's the woman's body and she has the right to make the choice to play God, whether or not to give someone the chance to live, then the state should have a right to also play God and tie that b*itch's tubes so she'll never have the need to make the choice in the first place. Did that sound a little harsh? I mean, gee Wally... How do I even know this woman we're talking about is a b*tch in the first place? I don't know, probably because she's erasing some guy's future wife, who lightly kisses him and wraps her arms around him when he gets home from work, or some little girl's father who teaches her how to ride a bike and put sprinkles on her cookies...I might be an *sshole, but I'm a softy *sshole... Now that I think about it, that sounds like a horrible ice cream flavor.

In fact, no one that's aborted as a fetus, will never get to experience any joys in life. They'll never get to have kids of their own or watch a sunset. They'll never fall in love, read a book, drive a car, fly in an airplane, get corn stuck in their teeth, or crap their pants because they trusted that fart too much. Even with all of these things that these women prevent on an emotional level, I don't really think arguing emotionally will solve a problem. Everything should make sense on a logical level as well, which is why I think the choices themselves should be renamed to reflect the reality in the contrast. That, and I think Olive Garden should be renamed "Stand Outside and Wait Three Hours for Obese Southerners to Finish Eating".

But let's think about it another way. Let's say a woman considers herself professional; she has a career, a mortgage, an unwillingness to close her legs; a whole life ahead of her. I agree having a baby isn't the most logical choice to make. Deciding what color to paint the walls in the bathroom is a big decision too. (if you trust your farts too often, you'll be seeing those walls a lot) However, one choice ends or prevents the life of a human, the other merely inconveniences another. Of course there are cases where there could be complications and having the baby could kill the mother. I mean.... no person would sacrifice their life for their child, right? That would just be too noble to give up a part-time job at Starbucks. The fact of the matter is in most cases, you do something that can result in unwanted consequences and somehow you can dispose of those consequences, like spending actual money to see The Village. I can't get that money back, people. But this isn't a movie that can be over with in a couple of hours. This is something that the natural process will turn into a human life, something that's more valuable than your budget, your car, your cell phone bill, your career, and your newly painted bathroom combined. There is no excuse someone can come up with that will justify what was more important than letting that baby be born. Nothing. The baby's gonna be retarded (excuse me, mentally retarded)? My nephew is like that and he's the best behaved, most awesome child you'll ever meet. The experiences he's given the people around him since he's been born are priceless. Plus, as he gets older, his poop gets bigger and that's just hilarious for whoever has to clean that up.

 With everything else in life, people have to take responsibility for the choices they make. Not this time bubba. Joe Pesci comes over and says, "scrape that tissue, end the issue" (You can quote me on that, you heard it here first folks.) it's a little hard to whack an embryo from the inside with a baseball bat, but you'd be surprised how resourceful Italians can be. I know; they tell me all the time.

Anyway, that's enough for today. Tune in next time when I wear my underwear backwards to ward off those little river bugs that crawl up your pee hole.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Facebook Changes and You Can't Stand It

I've been hearing rumors going around lately that it stings when I pee. Why is it I'm always the last to hear about these things? You would think for once I could be the one to come up with a new rumor, but every time I think of something, I have to stop what I'm doing to go to the bathroom... and it hurts really bad.

People have been complaining a lot lately about what Facebook is doing with its interface. Apparently people dislike change; so much in fact, they use Facebook's new interface to bitch about Facebook's new interface. All day long for at least the last two days I've seen statuses pop up basically stating that Facebook needs to stop changing the mechanics in how we use it to convey important information like what song lyrics explain our entire lives, which chain letter about Jesus and breast cancer we can copy and paste from our alcoholic aunt's wall to guilt trip our double cousin into "raising awareness", and finding just the right angle to capture the artistic pulchritude of the cleavage while still maintaining the integrity of the bathroom sink. Our day-to-day lives are so crucially important in fact, if we don't find a music video from the 80's on Youtube to share with "friends of friends" that coincide with our mood immediately, the moment will be lost forever and some guy in Birmingham Alabama will never understand why I got mad when my strawberries in Farmville didn't show up. I can't tell you how many times I needed those few extra seconds that the newly interfaced news stream stole from me, the twelve second, low quality video that my one good friend (I can't remember her name at the moment) uploaded of her cat sitting on the toilet seat like a little person almost interfered with my work schedule. I blame Facebook for that.

"Meet singles in your area now!... They all look like this, I swear!"
 It's become so difficult to do anything on there now, they should know me well enough that not only do I enjoy clicking on the stock photos of big breasted teenagers on the side bar, I also can't learn good. Do they really expect me to take an extra three minutes to get used to all the changes they made? I have to keep up with what my Sim is doing before it goes into the red! Do you understand the gravity of the situation? It's already going to take up most of my free time tagging myself in the two hundred and eighty four pictures my sister uploaded yesterday from her ultrasound. Facebook needs to understand that I'm a big deal and if I don't comment about how everything is epic and awesome sauce with enough time to watch Rebecca Black's impersonation of a telephone operator, I'm just going to delete my account and say to hell with it. I totally didn't know that yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday is afterwords, and I need my news feed to be back the way it was... back when life was simpler.

Facebook doesn't need to worry about making money and it sure as hell doesn't need to try to find new ways to advertise so companies can get their products to sell by using my interests and key words that I talk about on my wall. They have no idea what I want. They don't know anything about what's going on with my friends, like when Brad called Jenny a bitch 'cause she's totally a skank and she cheated on her boyfriends when she was drunk and now she's pregnant with twins. We all deal with important issues that facebook doesn't even know about and can't relate to on a personal level; like this time we all got some coke and broke into the book store because we wanted to see if there was a book on shutting off alarms and window repair. Facebook doesn't even care about Jesus because it didn't copy and paste a poem about the troops. Whoever doesn't agree with everything I post is an idiot and they don't love God the way I do.

The fact of the matter is that Facebook is ultimately a business and they make money by other companies getting to advertise their products to you. That's all it's about. It's not about you; it never was. Every time Facebook changes something, people bitch about it and eventually get used to it, then they bitch about it next time and eventually get used to it. Are we getting the picture? People hate change. That's all it comes down to. Things these days change on a daily basis and Facebook isn't any different. Some day Facebook will be gone and something new will take it's place. Until then, have fun bitching about your news feed and not unimportant things like famine, war, and the economy. Besides, I don't know what the news is anyway... I can't seem to figure this f*$%ing Facebook thing out.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

DC Comics Negates My Ability to Count With the New 52

To clear the air in so many words, this article may appear smooth and fluid, but that's really only because I am. I wouldn't quite call Taco Bell Mexican food per se, but it wouldn't be lying to consider it a class four narcotic, in that it places you ever so softly in another plane of existence where poop and farts are the same thing. Do you remember the Bog of Eternal Stench in the Labyrinth? Imagine instead of you falling into it, it falls out of you...very quickly.

Getting into the subject matter at hand. DC comics has announced that it would be rebooting a crap ton of titles, starting the issues off at number one. This has been circulating around the internet for some time and I'm just getting around to writing about it now because, well, I have a life and I get laid on a regular basis. DC is calling this the New 52. You can see a video about it here. You can also see another completely unrelated video here. (Just for the sake of argument, there are probably millions of people that don't know DC stands for Detective Comics; and to say DC Comics is actually saying Detective Comics Comics. Whether you care to know this little crumpet of information is irrelevant. The mere fact that you read it gives you a better chance of never unlearning it. You're welcome.)

Being a Batman fan (and professional funeral home voyeur), I'm not only infuriated that now I have to make yet another separator for the newly numbered Batman titles, I'm even more disappointed that those rich bastards at DC didn't have the decency to at least take the issues to #1,000. With Detective comics alone, they only had about ten years and three more young boys in tights to go. By that time they'd almost have a complete cast for Swan Lake. I was told by several gas station restroom informants that this is mainly just a hail mary pass by DC to get their numbers up. DC says it's to introduce new readers with a fresh start so they can feel more welcome into a brand new series. I say it's because corporations enjoy taking huge, watery yet chunky dumps into the interests of the consumers to see how much loose Taco Bell s*#t they can get away with. The worst part is that they don't even give you napkins to wipe your fan boy mouth off while you're shoveling in their recycled, corn infested crap... I think I saw a peanut in there somewhere too...

On the bright side, DC is revamping a lot of the character costumes, cover logos, and in the middle of every issue, a splash page of Dan Didio bending over and showing you his bare ass with the word "SUCKER" in bold lettering at the top; because let's face it, if you're into heroes like Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and Clint Howard, you'll pretty much buy anything with their face on it.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife

It might be more practical to hide yo defense attorneys.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Battle of the Century: Batman VS Jesus Christ

There have been many heroes throughout history; some from a fictional world where anything can happen, some from the real world where anything rarely happens, and some from Connecticut. One of my favorites of all time is Batman, the Dark Knight himself. Batman is not only one of the world's greatest martial artists, arguably the world's greatest detective, and the protector of Gotham City, but thanks to his appearances in the Justice League, he has also had a hand in saving the world/universe/multiverse countless times.

On the other side of the Red Sea, we have what some believers would call the Savior of the world, the Redeemer of mankind, the King of the Jews, the Son of God, the Messiah, that guy, and sometimes Alex..... Jesus Christ. Some Atheists and non-believers would argue whether or not Jesus even lived, but somehow everyone agrees Dragon Ball GT still exists. Apples and oranges...

I saw a post somewhere about who would win in a fight, Batman or Jesus. The winner is clear in this scenario; Jesus is a Quaker. There's no real comparison between who is a better fighter, so I chose to compare the super sleuth and the super jewth by who is the better savior/hero overall. I'll try to be as fair as I can be and give each characteristic I find worthy of the title points from a 1-10 basis and comparing the total at the end.

So, here goes; the Battle of the Century: Batman vs. Jesus Christ!

Jesus: Gets his father, God to forgive the sins of the world - 10 points
Batman: Gets his butler to wash his tights - 3 points

Jesus: "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. I shall repay." Jesus lets his dad do his fighting for him - 2 points
Batman: Vows to take vengeance against all evil doers, so good people don't have to suffer loss like he did -
             10 points

Jesus: Willingly gets beaten mercilessly to save the world (that takes some balls) - 7 points
Batman: Kicks much ass to save the world - 8 points
JFK: died in a car - 3 points

Jesus: God is his co-pilot - 9 points
Batman: a young boy in pixie boots is his co-pilot - 2 points

Jesus: Takes the wheel for country singers that also sing about slashing tires and busting headlights with a
          Louisville Slugger - 5 points
Batman: takes four wheels and builds his own car - 7 points

Jesus: turned water into wine - 6 points
Batman: turned a cave into a museum - 5 points

Jesus: Told Satan where to shove it - 8 points
Batman: used to call his partner "old chum" - 1 point

Jesus: Took on many disciples to carry on his work - 7 points
Batman: Took on many disciples to carry on his work - ....... 8 points

Jesus: saved a prostitute from being stoned - 4 points
Batman saves a multitude of prostitutes nightly - 6 points

Jesus: Takes a stab in the dark and accuses Judas of betrayal - 10 points (the odds he would be right was
Batman: compiles clues, evidence, and educated hypotheses before making accusations - 9 points

Jesus: Born from a virgin - 9 points
Batman: born from the result of his parents being murdered - 7 points

Jesus: possibly had a bitchin' beard - 6 points
Batman: had no beard - 3 points

Jesus: walked on water and saved Peter from drowning - 8 points
Batman: did not walk on toxic chemicals to save the Joker - 2 points

Jesus: was followed by thousands and thousands of people daily for free food and some quick healing -
          7 points
Batman: is followed by no one... if they know what's good for 'em - 8 points

Jesus: could make a blind man see - 7 points
Batman: made this man go blind... See? - 6 points

Jesus: befriended sinners - 5 points
Batman: beats up lawbreakers - 5 points

Jesus: died and came back - 10 points
Batman: Superman is his b*tch - 10 points

Jesus: Was sickly and unsightly, then eventually was unrecognizable as a man; tortured by Roman soldiers and
          spat on by Jewish Pharisees. After all was said and done, he died a virgin. - 2 points
Batman: Banged Catwoman, Talia al Ghul, Silver St. Cloud, Jezebel Jet, Vicky Vale, and thousands of other hard-bodied supermodels - 385,546,745 points.

Oooooooh, (inhales through teeth), sorry Jesus.

One thing you have to know about the hero is that he always gets the girl.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Osama Bin Laden Dead

Apparently the guy's dead. Here are my sources:

*holds up middle finger*

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Situation on The Trump Roast: Bombed like Hiroshima

I haven't seen anyone try to tell jokes and fail as bad since Jesus told everybody he was just kidding. My wife and I watched the Roast of Donald Trump last night and let me tell you, most of it was pretty funny; but the embarrassment that this no-talent greaser "the Situation" faced was almost too horrible to watch. I thought everyone had some good jokes, including Seth McFarland and Anthony Jeselnik (which was my personal favorite for the night.), but then, out of the blue, I notice this guy cast as one of the roasters, who looks like an orange Julius come to life, make the most awful jokes I've ever heard. The Situation got nothing but silence and boos from the crowd; something I've never seen on a celebrity roast. Where's Greg Giraldo when you need him?

I absolutely have to know who hires the cast for these roasts, so I can skin him alive and roll him around in a pile of salt. Are you serious? I've never seen the Jersey Shore, but How popular could it have been with a bunch of oompa loompas dancing around lifting their shirts for the cameras? I've seen more laughs at Larry King's blood work results than I saw during his sliver of time. Is Hollywood really that short on people that can tell a decent joke?

For the record, I'm only writing about this because I'm drunk. Otherwise, I wouldn't be giving Jersey Shore grease balls the attention.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Things I'm Doing Before I Die

I was originally going to title this "Things I Want to Do Before I Die", but I lack motivation with a title like that. Could I ever really get things done without the authoritative dialog one deserves when said one is eventually going to take a dirt nap? I have no idea what I just said..... but I believe it.
There are plenty of things we little people with no money would like to do in general.... probably because we can't afford to do anything, so we want to do everything. Plenty of things come to mind, like getting a tattoo of Joe Camel right above my penis just to make people wonder if there was a marketing strategy involved, or something a little less romantic, like making a snuff film with a blow-up doll and just popping her when I'm done. I don't think there's a law against that... yet.

More importantly there are things that I have compiled into a list that I choose to get done before my untimely demise, most likely caused by a faulty bear incident.

1. First things first, I've always wanted to have sex in a bathtub full of jello. Would I want to eat the jello afterward? I'll make that decision when the time comes. The important thing is not to use red in case something uninvited seeps into the mix.

2. I'm taking a huge dump in Okinawa. I don't think i need to explain why this is a super sweet idea.

3. I want to start a religious rebellion by manipulating an Amish man with no penis, a Russian passivist who speaks only Klingon, a Chinese woman who wears a yamaka, and an animal rights activist who is also a barbarian from ancient Sumeria. This one is just a tad specific, which now that I think about it involves time travel. Not impossible, but could possibly involve sending a letter to Keanu Reeves two years from now.

4. I want to fist fight someone on the moon. Just two grown men.... maybe one grown man and a kangaroo, duking it out in the cold, vacuous outer regions of the beyond......on the moon. Whoever wins will have to swim back and try not to freeze or explode.

5. I want Anne Coulter to stop talking. I'm doing whatever is necessary to accomplish this enormous feat.

6. I'm going to mercilessly beat the first superhero wannabe that pops up. Why wouldn't I?

7.Bill Gates will be drugged and influenced through Jedi mind control and tequila to pay an ungodly amount of money to Stephen Spielberg to direct the epic demise of Megan Fox through the most disgusting snuff film ever made.

8. I will create a time paradox with my junk.... we can only hope.

......... I'm not showing an image for that.

9. I will mercilessly beat Anne Coulter with Megan Fox's head. Why wouldn't I?

10. Last, but certainly not last, I will wear Selena Gomez as a hat. I would eat that girls clothes just to prove a point........ I guess the point....... is that I can digest clothes.
I'll think of something, but this will get done.

11. ...and finally, I'm going to eat human flesh. This is all happening most likely during/after the zombie apocalypse, so the majority consensus says it'll be acceptable. I wonder who it'll be.... Maybe I'll eat David Caruso. That'll be the best part he'll ever play....... with a side of green beans.

I realize at least one or two of these things are ridiculous and impractical. I mean, my junk should theoretically only be able to tare a rift in the space time at best, but I like to set my goals a little higher than just mediocre things like undoing the very fabric of reality through viciously humping the sky in the right point of existence. Sometimes you have to believe that you're better than that.