Saturday, November 28, 2009

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug...and Tile Cleaner!

I finally realized why I don't have a vote in the Senate....but I forgot. I also found a new use for tile cleaner.

Is it plausible that I still believe the best line in a movie hasn't been written yet? Would I even remotely know where to begin in creating this line? Is it in a comedy, a drama, a suspense mystery, scat porn, or documentary about the virgin Mary appearing in a chicken nugget? Would it be a run-on sentence or maybe even contain Olde English vernacular? Would it be originally written in braille by a blind trailer skank from South Africa? Would it even bother said writer if there actually are no trailers in South Africa and the word "skank" is constantly triggered by the spell checker? (Actually, I have no idea about the trailer thing, but I'll deny it up and down to your face, because I loves me some African eye patches. Of course they look like air filters for an Oldsmobile Delta 88, but who really cares, We're in Africa!)

Now, if you're wondering what the previous statements have to do with anything......good luck with that. I'm actually a little overdosed on coffee, which helps to amplify my mutant ability, and also makes me poop a tad loosely; but enough about my stool....unless you're into talking about people's private pile, in which case I would like to expound on that subject with more detail and substance (so to speak) at a later date when we have more time on our hands, because frankly it's gonna be a long conversation. So what if I like to talk about my poop? Does that make me less appropriate then say.....a proctologist? At least I talk about my own and not some guy's that I just stuck my fingers in to find his Broke Back Mountain decoder ring. Tell you the truth, if I had that job I'd probably, maybe nine times out of ten, choose typing over handwriting because I'd constantly be getting poop all over my yellow lined paper; you know, that stuff you had to write gigantic letters on in the second grade right after you figured out what boogers taste like. They taste pretty good, but not as good as paste.........and I just remembered why I don't have a vote in the Senate..........nope, I lost it.

Anyway, If there's anything I learned from watching Saturday morning cartoons, it's definitely that prostitutes don't usually like to watch Saturday morning cartoons with you. Ah, the memories... That's actually the first time I had to pay four women, a parking meter, and a pond full of koi fish to watch TV with me. One hell of a weekend. I wish I could remember what I did with that tile cleaner....well, the other half.

Still....that blind African just keeps mumbling on an endless loop about butterflies in the sky.....and....I can't get him to stop.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Meal or No Meal

The Holiday seasons always tries to catch me right as I'm trying to walk into the store....with a red apron and a bell. The Salvation Army (which is not an army, or even remotely interested in salvation, go figure) gives us on a yearly basis, the guilt trip of the century, which is almost as bad as maggots shooting up into your mouth from a nice fresh hunk of Casu Marzu. Here's my problem with the whole thing: If they're just standing outside taking handouts and then using the money for the homeless, then why the hell aren't they using their overhead to give the homeless an apron and a bell and drop them off right outside Wal-Mart? "Here we are! Best of luck to you." Would that not do the job? You could say, "If you give them the money, they'll just spend it on liquor or something." Are you kidding me? I spend it on liquor... and no one gives me handouts. I'd say that makes the score Bums = 1, Beau = 0. The problem is, The homeless are still homeless and the Salvation Army keeps expanding. So what if a 60-year-old veteran out on the off-ramp with a cardboard sign and twelve shirts on makes more money than I do? I say we just suit 'em up and see how it turns out. What's the worst that could happen? Now, people walking into Bed Bath & Beyond with the intention of purchasing a $450 waste basket (yes, they have those) get to meet the poor they're ignoring head on. I almost want to be homeless just so I can partake in the pandemonium.

I was just reading about how they call their peeps "clergy". Seriously? The Catholic church is the richest and most corrupt religion on the planet (oh yeah, and the sexy time with children thing) and the Salvation Army is using their terminology? So much for the church softball game. Believe me, I have no problem with a charitable organization, especially if there's no praying to statues or old, wrinkled penises in the niƱos, but it would be much easier to set up ways for the homeless to get their own hand-outs. I can't even count how many times I've been in my car with hardly any money on me, driving up the ramp to get to the house, with some lady pushing a shopping cart and staring me down like I'm a big meanie face for not emptying my wallet into the cart. Even better, get the homeless together on a giant truck and take them all to Deal or No Deal, let them each pick a case and they get to keep whatever they get......too bad every case will only have a $10 gift
card redeemable at Bed Bath & Beyond....... Howie, you're so sneaky..