Sunday, August 24, 2008

Eat Your Heart Out Ann Frank

Sometimes you wonder where you went wrong in your irrefutable influence on the opposite sex. We were at the generic version of Best Buy the other night, called "Fairly decent Purchase". Hey, it's better than shopping at "Q-Mart". Every time Q-Mart has a sale, you can't even see the prices due to the "black light special". We could have gone to J.C. Nickel's, but apparently the name brand store is cheaper by about 20%.

Now when I mean influence, I'm saying just that. SinisterDan dwelt on my finger just a tad longer than even I expected last time, but said finger is not the culprit in this case. My wife's is though.

Say hello to the greatest game in Hebrew history. "Jew Quest III"(Not to be confused with Jewel Quest III). What happened to Jew Quests I & II, you may ask? Well.........they.......didn't quite make it; so now we're traveling the world in search of one Jew. Which one? Eh........doesn't quite matter really. All you do is a search for lawyers or accountants on Google and the game's pretty much finished. Indiana Jones? No. The Mummy? Close. This is raw mathematical and monetary gameplay with penny-pinching hi jinx at it finest. Bob and weave your way through the gas chambers and get passed the camp gates to American freedom; sit down and log into the world wide web, discover Google, and make your way through one really, really, really, really short level.
Not even good ol' Hitler could "beat" the competition that you experience every time you do that Google search...........
Okay, so it's obviously boring as hell; but that's what you get from the bargain bucket in the corner of the basement at Fairly Decent Purchase. With 385 Gigs of required memory do a search on the internet.......which you already can't go wrong!

Never gonna change my mind....You're never gonna Jew me down. Oh no. I got to keep on movin'.

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Friday, August 15, 2008

Confucius say: Diss Racism Kirring Me.

If I could be a nun, I would warn blind children about the adverse effects of masturbation on kids that can see perfectly well. "Sick and sinful little perverts touch their tiddlywinks and become like YOU!!" Although I would be too busy contemplating my life in sudden rewind as I ponder exactly why I became a nun instead of a priest, but I'm not a gay pedophile, so cross-dresser I suppose could be considered the lesser of two evils.......wait. I'm not Catholic. Oh, good; now I can finish my book about stupid people.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Self, what the hell is this?" This is a tapestry painting on the wall at our local Chinese restaurant. I stared at this for a few minutes and when my wife asked me why, I said, "because there's a huge ass on it, but I'm trying to figure out what exactly is coming out of it. Maybe he's just sitting on a really tiny stool. Maybe it's not a he at all and we can only see half of the stool..."

Yeah......this is how I see the world.

People still get embarrassed when I shout out "FIE DAHRA!!" every time we eat at an Asian restaurant, but you can't beat good ol' prejudice. Chinese teenagers are usually urged not to smoke pot for fear that their eyes will close up compreetry. most of you know what I'm talking about) Anyway, I'm cutting it short because I need to go blind for about 30 seconds and then take a nap........on a stool.

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Saturday, August 9, 2008

Revenge of the..........that's just Weird...

This is a turtle. He's no ordinary turtle and he's not a ninja (I think he did know the Samurai Pizza Cats, though). Just a harmless, cartoonish turtle on the bathroom counter, waiting to teach my daughter how to count. Unfortunately this little underachiever in God's aquatic reptilian bestiary has one of those disorders that most people like to call disorders to keep from calling their children retards. This little guy here only knows one number...

Behold, the number 8. Not only has this fellows decal been put on cock-eyed, his ass has a hinge on it. Now, I don't want to poke fun at the less fortunate, but this thing is pretty pathetic. First of all, we don't even know the turtle knows how to speak, let alone knows how to count. I can just imagine some drunk executives somewhere saying to each other,

"Hey (*belch*) I got an iddddea. Let's make an animal with a number inside it. The kids will have to pry it open to learn what the number is....(*hiccup*) and then we'll put the stttticker on lopsided."

"What number?"


"Why 8?"

"That's how many times my father beat me."


ooooookay....... what animal?"

" A turtle"

"Don't tell me your father beat you with a turtle."

"What? No, you pervert. I just like to have sex with them."

"........................I'm not drunk anymore."

And that's pretty much how it would have to play out in order for society to come up with something as obscure as this. and that's the last time I get drunk at work.

I hate it when everybody sobers up while I'm trying to pitch an idea.
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Friday, August 8, 2008

Nut-Pals to the Rescue!!

Are you tired of not giving your child the nutritional value they need to blow bubbles and slobber all over the place while at the same time providing the utmost twisted and perverted humor that a parent could instill on their young? Look no more parents and children who are also parents (children who are also parents found only in select locations: Virginia, West Virginia, Alabama, and Cleveland; void where prohibited, offer only valid with welfare and stretch marks), this is your lucky day!

Oh....wait, that's another product. Let me adjust that a tad...

Introducing Nut-Pals! The wacky fun time action drink complete with a safety oriented monkey. Everyone should have one of those.

Oh yes, one finger can change the world. It's unfortunate for me, I can't convince my wife to stand down

Click on this and bring me back up in the ranks....the monkey would do it....safely.

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Saturday, August 2, 2008

The Power of Wood Compels You

Last night we took a drive to the local drive in theater down the road from my wife's parents house. The Mummy and Hellboy II were playing and those were actually two movies that I'd been waiting to see. Hellboy I really didn't have much to say for. Sure, it was weird, like being drunk and singing a sad song next to a giant fish stick; but I wasn't impressed and I impress easily. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer I thought was a slightly better movie. It had little Asian girls and a happy ending....for me....about an hour into the movie. During the rest of the movie I was kind of sleepy.
One of the first scenes (don't worry, no spoilers) was narrated, describing the Emperor's powers as having power over, "fire, water, air, wood, and metal" or something to that effect. I thought to myself...."I have that power"(I talk aloud when I think to myself). My wife said, "which one?". "Air."
"I thought you were gonna say wood, followed by some perverted comment about your junk." "No honey, that's your power".
Of course one thing led to another, then finally....she ran to the restroom with diarrhea. I heard, "I have to go and I don't know how long I'm going to be."
At this moment right now, she's looking at me with those eyes only a husband could love, so I better change the subject before I become a fish stick.

I would recommend going to the drive in whenever possible. For us, it was $7.00 per carload, if you have to pee, you're already outside, plus all of the kids are uglier and much, much fetter than your own, so you can at least feel good about that part. I get new experiences every time we go to the drive in. Last night I saw more Earnhardt stickers than ever before in my life. I saw muffin tops galore, more chins than a Chinese phone book, the filthiest bathroom in southern North Carolina, and more condoms on the ground than inside Courtney Love's stomach. It was a veritable book of records in a mere two or three acres.

For the eleventh or twelfth time in my life I realize how good I really have it. I don't have a mullet and a collection of Budweiser hats, so I'm still ahead of the game.