Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Meal or No Meal

The Holiday seasons always tries to catch me right as I'm trying to walk into the store....with a red apron and a bell. The Salvation Army (which is not an army, or even remotely interested in salvation, go figure) gives us on a yearly basis, the guilt trip of the century, which is almost as bad as maggots shooting up into your mouth from a nice fresh hunk of Casu Marzu. Here's my problem with the whole thing: If they're just standing outside taking handouts and then using the money for the homeless, then why the hell aren't they using their overhead to give the homeless an apron and a bell and drop them off right outside Wal-Mart? "Here we are! Best of luck to you." Would that not do the job? You could say, "If you give them the money, they'll just spend it on liquor or something." Are you kidding me? I spend it on liquor... and no one gives me handouts. I'd say that makes the score Bums = 1, Beau = 0. The problem is, The homeless are still homeless and the Salvation Army keeps expanding. So what if a 60-year-old veteran out on the off-ramp with a cardboard sign and twelve shirts on makes more money than I do? I say we just suit 'em up and see how it turns out. What's the worst that could happen? Now, people walking into Bed Bath & Beyond with the intention of purchasing a $450 waste basket (yes, they have those) get to meet the poor they're ignoring head on. I almost want to be homeless just so I can partake in the pandemonium.

I was just reading about how they call their peeps "clergy". Seriously? The Catholic church is the richest and most corrupt religion on the planet (oh yeah, and the sexy time with children thing) and the Salvation Army is using their terminology? So much for the church softball game. Believe me, I have no problem with a charitable organization, especially if there's no praying to statues or old, wrinkled penises in the niƱos, but it would be much easier to set up ways for the homeless to get their own hand-outs. I can't even count how many times I've been in my car with hardly any money on me, driving up the ramp to get to the house, with some lady pushing a shopping cart and staring me down like I'm a big meanie face for not emptying my wallet into the cart. Even better, get the homeless together on a giant truck and take them all to Deal or No Deal, let them each pick a case and they get to keep whatever they get......too bad every case will only have a $10 gift
card redeemable at Bed Bath & Beyond....... Howie, you're so sneaky..

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