Friday, December 11, 2009

A Chick Going Into Labor is Anything But Silent

I was at the local greasy spoon tonight pondering the existence of midi-chlorians as I usually do when an eerily familiar yet annoying sound wave crept into the holes in my head I like to call "head holes". What would you assume this little tidbit of musical enjoyment was?... None other than "Silent Night" by one of three thousand various singers that God himself naturally selected to perform in front of live patrons who just so happen to commonly consume "taters". I couldn't help but repeat to myself what could have possibly been running through the mind of this mystery shopper:

"You know, when I got out of bed today, I had the undying urge to take some of this hard earned money I got from working third shift at the gas station and just...throw it away. I thought long and hard about it for hours until a light bulb magically appeared above my head and suddenly, I had it! I think I'll go down to the most redneck establishment known to man and play Silent Night on the jukebox. What better way to please myself than to spend actual currency on a jukebox in a restaurant with a broken urinal and used food on the floor so other people can hear Silent Night just one more time."

Actually I was being generous. I did some rough math in my head and came to the conclusion that the complete thought probably went more like this:

"Hey y'all, check this sh*t out! I luuuuuv me some f*#%in' Jesus music!"

 True story.


Weston said...

In all fairness, it could have been worse. They could have played musing by Creed or Nickelback. Even worse: they could have played Creed or Nickelback covering Silent Night.

Beau Horner said...

Weston - just the mention of Creed or Nickleback is like saying to a starving Ethiopian, "What kind of poop would you rather eat, this chewy green chunk with corn and hemorrhoid blood, or this warm, yellowish runny stuff in a bowl with a straw?"

of course you'll have to say it in Afro-Semitic, or they'll just look silly holding their respective bowl of poop while scratching their head.