Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Battle of the Century: Batman VS Jesus Christ

There have been many heroes throughout history; some from a fictional world where anything can happen, some from the real world where anything rarely happens, and some from Connecticut. One of my favorites of all time is Batman, the Dark Knight himself. Batman is not only one of the world's greatest martial artists, arguably the world's greatest detective, and the protector of Gotham City, but thanks to his appearances in the Justice League, he has also had a hand in saving the world/universe/multiverse countless times.

On the other side of the Red Sea, we have what some believers would call the Savior of the world, the Redeemer of mankind, the King of the Jews, the Son of God, the Messiah, that guy, and sometimes Alex..... Jesus Christ. Some Atheists and non-believers would argue whether or not Jesus even lived, but somehow everyone agrees Dragon Ball GT still exists. Apples and oranges...

I saw a post somewhere about who would win in a fight, Batman or Jesus. The winner is clear in this scenario; Jesus is a Quaker. There's no real comparison between who is a better fighter, so I chose to compare the super sleuth and the super jewth by who is the better savior/hero overall. I'll try to be as fair as I can be and give each characteristic I find worthy of the title points from a 1-10 basis and comparing the total at the end.

So, here goes; the Battle of the Century: Batman vs. Jesus Christ!

Jesus: Gets his father, God to forgive the sins of the world - 10 points
Batman: Gets his butler to wash his tights - 3 points

Jesus: "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord. I shall repay." Jesus lets his dad do his fighting for him - 2 points
Batman: Vows to take vengeance against all evil doers, so good people don't have to suffer loss like he did -
             10 points

Jesus: Willingly gets beaten mercilessly to save the world (that takes some balls) - 7 points
Batman: Kicks much ass to save the world - 8 points
JFK: died in a car - 3 points

Jesus: God is his co-pilot - 9 points
Batman: a young boy in pixie boots is his co-pilot - 2 points

Jesus: Takes the wheel for country singers that also sing about slashing tires and busting headlights with a
          Louisville Slugger - 5 points
Batman: takes four wheels and builds his own car - 7 points

Jesus: turned water into wine - 6 points
Batman: turned a cave into a museum - 5 points

Jesus: Told Satan where to shove it - 8 points
Batman: used to call his partner "old chum" - 1 point

Jesus: Took on many disciples to carry on his work - 7 points
Batman: Took on many disciples to carry on his work - ....... 8 points

Jesus: saved a prostitute from being stoned - 4 points
Batman saves a multitude of prostitutes nightly - 6 points

Jesus: Takes a stab in the dark and accuses Judas of betrayal - 10 points (the odds he would be right was
Batman: compiles clues, evidence, and educated hypotheses before making accusations - 9 points

Jesus: Born from a virgin - 9 points
Batman: born from the result of his parents being murdered - 7 points

Jesus: possibly had a bitchin' beard - 6 points
Batman: had no beard - 3 points

Jesus: walked on water and saved Peter from drowning - 8 points
Batman: did not walk on toxic chemicals to save the Joker - 2 points

Jesus: was followed by thousands and thousands of people daily for free food and some quick healing -
          7 points
Batman: is followed by no one... if they know what's good for 'em - 8 points

Jesus: could make a blind man see - 7 points
Batman: made this man go blind... See? - 6 points

Jesus: befriended sinners - 5 points
Batman: beats up lawbreakers - 5 points

Jesus: died and came back - 10 points
Batman: Superman is his b*tch - 10 points

Jesus: Was sickly and unsightly, then eventually was unrecognizable as a man; tortured by Roman soldiers and
          spat on by Jewish Pharisees. After all was said and done, he died a virgin. - 2 points
Batman: Banged Catwoman, Talia al Ghul, Silver St. Cloud, Jezebel Jet, Vicky Vale, and thousands of other hard-bodied supermodels - 385,546,745 points.

Oooooooh, (inhales through teeth), sorry Jesus.

One thing you have to know about the hero is that he always gets the girl.


Andres Berrondo said...

Haha, this was fucking hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.

Beau Horner said...

No problem, that's why I do what I do. Thanks for the comment!

Anonymous said...

In the end you will see Jesus wins over all!