Thursday, September 22, 2011

Facebook Changes and You Can't Stand It

I've been hearing rumors going around lately that it stings when I pee. Why is it I'm always the last to hear about these things? You would think for once I could be the one to come up with a new rumor, but every time I think of something, I have to stop what I'm doing to go to the bathroom... and it hurts really bad.

People have been complaining a lot lately about what Facebook is doing with its interface. Apparently people dislike change; so much in fact, they use Facebook's new interface to bitch about Facebook's new interface. All day long for at least the last two days I've seen statuses pop up basically stating that Facebook needs to stop changing the mechanics in how we use it to convey important information like what song lyrics explain our entire lives, which chain letter about Jesus and breast cancer we can copy and paste from our alcoholic aunt's wall to guilt trip our double cousin into "raising awareness", and finding just the right angle to capture the artistic pulchritude of the cleavage while still maintaining the integrity of the bathroom sink. Our day-to-day lives are so crucially important in fact, if we don't find a music video from the 80's on Youtube to share with "friends of friends" that coincide with our mood immediately, the moment will be lost forever and some guy in Birmingham Alabama will never understand why I got mad when my strawberries in Farmville didn't show up. I can't tell you how many times I needed those few extra seconds that the newly interfaced news stream stole from me, the twelve second, low quality video that my one good friend (I can't remember her name at the moment) uploaded of her cat sitting on the toilet seat like a little person almost interfered with my work schedule. I blame Facebook for that.

"Meet singles in your area now!... They all look like this, I swear!"
 It's become so difficult to do anything on there now, they should know me well enough that not only do I enjoy clicking on the stock photos of big breasted teenagers on the side bar, I also can't learn good. Do they really expect me to take an extra three minutes to get used to all the changes they made? I have to keep up with what my Sim is doing before it goes into the red! Do you understand the gravity of the situation? It's already going to take up most of my free time tagging myself in the two hundred and eighty four pictures my sister uploaded yesterday from her ultrasound. Facebook needs to understand that I'm a big deal and if I don't comment about how everything is epic and awesome sauce with enough time to watch Rebecca Black's impersonation of a telephone operator, I'm just going to delete my account and say to hell with it. I totally didn't know that yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday is afterwords, and I need my news feed to be back the way it was... back when life was simpler.

Facebook doesn't need to worry about making money and it sure as hell doesn't need to try to find new ways to advertise so companies can get their products to sell by using my interests and key words that I talk about on my wall. They have no idea what I want. They don't know anything about what's going on with my friends, like when Brad called Jenny a bitch 'cause she's totally a skank and she cheated on her boyfriends when she was drunk and now she's pregnant with twins. We all deal with important issues that facebook doesn't even know about and can't relate to on a personal level; like this time we all got some coke and broke into the book store because we wanted to see if there was a book on shutting off alarms and window repair. Facebook doesn't even care about Jesus because it didn't copy and paste a poem about the troops. Whoever doesn't agree with everything I post is an idiot and they don't love God the way I do.

The fact of the matter is that Facebook is ultimately a business and they make money by other companies getting to advertise their products to you. That's all it's about. It's not about you; it never was. Every time Facebook changes something, people bitch about it and eventually get used to it, then they bitch about it next time and eventually get used to it. Are we getting the picture? People hate change. That's all it comes down to. Things these days change on a daily basis and Facebook isn't any different. Some day Facebook will be gone and something new will take it's place. Until then, have fun bitching about your news feed and not unimportant things like famine, war, and the economy. Besides, I don't know what the news is anyway... I can't seem to figure this f*$%ing Facebook thing out.

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