Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Your Milkshake... Just Got Violated

Look at all these people nowadays that apparently can't wait to be sent to prison. Murders, thieves, child molesters, and reality television "stars" are of the many deserving of such a fate; but what we hope for as God-loving Americans is that they all get pounded like a sumo belly vigorously, via involuntary butt sex. While it's such a cruel world out there, I'm sure you can imagine a few people in your personal life that deserve this humiliating fate as well, but for the sake of argument, let's keep our attentions drawn towards all those people in the above statement so you and I both don't seem like horrible people. I mean..... you totally are, but don't try to drag me down with you. I'm here to make you laugh, not give you the gruesome visuals you just had about your ex.

Now, I can only imagine what's going through someone's mind when they're getting pole positioned by a "fellow" inmate by the name of Bull with a tattoo on his left butt cheek that says "Mom" in the dead silence of the D block (Ironically, everybody in the D block... gets the "D"), but wouldn't it be an even worse fate if you had music playing in the background that proverbial back door break-in nightmares are made of? Could you imagine trying to block out all the snuggle struggle moments of your life as a fresh fish, only to have all of those fond memories that you suppressed resurface when you hear some easy listening on the car stereo on your way to the DMV? (See what I did there? Going to the DMV is basically the same thing.) Some people are afraid of heights. You're now afraid of Cindy Lauper.

So what I did was compiled a list of the top ten worst songs you could possibly hear while being prison probed. Enjoy.

10.) Barry White - Can't Get Enough of Your Love

"I don't know, I don't know why..." On second thought, he knows exactly why. You're getting your black cherry picked by a professional fart hole farmer.

9.) Marvin Gaye - Let's Get it On

Giving yourself to me can never be wrong, if you got some lube. I mean come on. this one's a given. There's no way you can retain even a shred of self respect if this is being shoved in your ears while other things are being shoved..... you get the picture.

8.) Father Figure

I mean seriously... you'll be calling him daddy before the day is done, or he'll most likely trade you to his buddy "Horsecock" for five cigarettes and a magazine. You should be proud; most prison bitches only go for three.

7.) Ebony and Ivory - Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney

Isn't this one just hilarious? Stevie didn't even see this one coming.

6.) Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams

Who am I to disagree? Some of them definitely want to abuse you... The melody to this song almost makes you want to outfit 'em with carnival attire. Although there's nothing astonishing about  this elephant stampeding in your center ring.

5.) Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On

I don't care where you're from; you know the theme from Titanic and every time you
think of that damn movie, you picture that annoying scene with ol' girl's hand sliding down
the steamy car window. Now you have something new to imagine. Sweet dreams!... Wait,
we already covered that one. Jesus Christ, you'll never sleep again, my friend.

4.) Survivor - Eye of the Tiger

You can't say that this song isn't one of those classics that people still enjoy listening to. This is
workout music at its best. It makes you feel like you're on top of the world. You've got more
stamina, more energy, you get your own montage... Now put that in your scenario. Clubber
Lang isn't going to let up for a while; you might as well book your infirmary appointment well in

3.) John Mellencamp - Hurts so Good

White bikers straight out of the 70's. My thoughts exactly. Sometimes love don't feel like it should.
... It really doesn't..... It reeeaaaaally doesn't.

2.) Whitesnake - Is This Love

I can tell you this... That's not love you're feeling. That's jizz.

...and finally, and by God you best pray this isn't playing at your wake, per chance you die from
being impaled by the black stallion's bowling ball-sized anal bead.

1.) Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire

All I can say is... listen to the lyrics. Just listen to the lyrics. I don't need to explain it to you.

I hope you enjoyed this little adventure of ours, and I also hope you enjoyed being manipulated into
picturing prison rape the entire time. You're welcome for that. Even if you go to prison and get
raped in awkward silence, you're still going to think about one of these songs in your head mid-coitus
anyway. Did you really think you were getting away that easily?


Anonymous said...

Two thoughts after reading this:

1- The Ring of Fire makes me think the guy's either had bad Mexican or some sort of STD.

2- A guy I know as an ex-con said that he was held at shiv-point while in prison. The man said 'I want some blood on my knife or some shit on my dick'. When he was asked what happened, he replied 'You don't see any scars on me do ya?'

And a short while after that, I keep thinking about how I've heard that some cops will tell the general population about sexual offenders so that they'll be targeted for 'prison justice'. Almost poetic.

Beau Horner said...

Well, if he thinks his sh*t doesn't stink, he'll find out if he's wrong when he turns around for the money shot.