Saturday, September 4, 2010

Die More Harder - Ver. 2

 This post was one of my favorites. It was featured on a site called A while back, but I made a deal with the site moderator that I wouldn't post the same things on there that I did here. Since the a$$hole edited my material just before I quit posting (and that's a no-no where I stand), I might as well let you read it from my home page. For the record, when someone wants to feature your writing on their site and they tell you they WILL NOT edit your work, they will re-neg on that promise 100% of the time. Oh, and to be a bigger a$$hole, I edited it myself for this post.

originally posted: October 2008

yes, I was at Wal-Mart and took this picture myself. The Die Hard DVD case was a copy of the Die Hard 2 DVD case, just reversed.

With the latest Die Hard movie, whatever the name was, you'd think that Mr. Willis would be gettin' tired of being bloody for 2 hours at a time. That would almost be enough to drive you crazy. Crazy like a Burger King employee performing on a mall Santa in the alley behind McDonald's. Now That's having it your way.

John McLain apparently went nuts somewhere between Die Hard parts 1 and 2, but it's part 17 I'm looking forward to. We're calling it:  "Die More Harder:  Dying is Almost Impossible When You're Alive" (it's a work in progress title).

It's the year 2134.

ImageDetective McLain is still alive somehow and more harder than ever! The internet (which is now known as Obama Land) has been taken over by Chuck Norris Jokes and his string of reality shows featured on VH1 entitled, "Roundhouse Kick of Love", seasons one through whenever the f$%# Chuck Norris says ...

McLain now has a reason to stop the future by traveling back in time via a magical Demi Moore blow-up doll (what are the odds, right?), gather everybody that copies-and-pastes those stupid Chuck Norris jokes to their Myspace page on an everyday basis, kick them in their teeth and urinate fire on them while they're down (that last part might be unnecessary, but what can you do, it's in the script. Besides, are you gonna stop Chuck Norris?).

After the internet wars of 2136, Johnny boy discovers that he's actually an action hero in a movie because a fat kid from Baby Steps tells him so. As long as the guy with the glass eye doesn't find the magic movie ticket, we still have half a plot for the next eighteen sequels.

McLain eventually learns about the 14 and 3/4 monkeys (from the directors of the Naked Gun Eleventeenth and 9/16's of an inch) and winds up in a black and white comic book adaptation where the Invisible Girl gets raped by a yellow troll and Frodo finally stops talking.  After another couple of hours he tosses the ol' pigskin around with Homie the Clown and rescues a prepubescent Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike. She hides a gun in her teddy bear along with a live camera feed, with Ashton in the background getting ready to tell Bruce Willis he's been Punked. All in all, he gets so confused that one day he just snaps and tries to kill Matthew Perry twice.

He's got a new book coming out.

He's calling it:  "How to Smoke a Cigarette and Pretend it's Not a Tampon" (also a work in progress).


Sue said...

Wait a minute, action heroes can urinate fire? Or is that just a Chuck Norris thing? Because when I become a super hero I plan to be able to fly and shoot fireballs from my hands. I didn't know pissing a fireball was an option, maybe that's just for guy super heroes? Yeah, that sounds more effective.

Beau Horner said...

Well actually, it's more like a fire "stream", but I don't think it would benefit the world of crime fighting when criminals catch you with fire dribbling down your leg.