Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What to Drink When You're Bleeding From the Crotch.

What exactly is this blog about tonight? Look back up at the title. In case you haven't guessed it, I'm about to speak about something we men know nothing about and yet are punished by it every 5 to 7 days out of the month. I've recently discovered that secretly, women around the U.S. have been scheming ways to infiltrate the psyche of the average, below average, and below Nicholas Cages of our generation. They've even slipped their "medicine" by us primitive males at the office in hopes to quiet us down in our blathering ways about how our wives almost killed us at home; but not anymore. We've managed to take out one of their operatives (we call 'em 'on the ragheads') while getting coffee.....hey, we're subtle.
I give you the cure for your wife, mother, co-worker, wife's mother, girlfriend, wife's girlfriend...........(you get the picture) 's FEMAgina:

I know what you're thinking. Actually, you're probably laughing your ass off...I was. A friend of mine at work made it a priority to show this to me in the lounge at work. I thought to myself.........( still talk out loud when I think to myself, for future reference), "self, (and yes, I say "self") when the f*%# are they supposed to drink this s*%t?!?! (.........I swear a lot when I talk to myself out loud, I'm in a group) Do they drink it to stop shaking, or just before someone dies? If they were suppose to indulge in this most excellent of teas ( I know it's excellent because it has flowers on the box) while on said shaking binge, they would call it "MS Tea"; but no, it's PMS Tea!! It needs to be ingested before, nay, way before the flow chart shows the death toll rising to an all-time high. Let's just say, well three days before. Give me a break I didn't read the back, I was too busy laughing at the period tea. Ok, three days... Is there a stopping period?....(no pun intended). Does it stop affecting you when you start affecting self esteem in those around you? Are prepubescent teenagers required to drink this crap before their special friend pays them an introductory visit? So many questions, so many gullible people.
The best part of this is that little circle after the title of this must-have product of the ages. Someone actually copyrighted this stuff. "uh, hey! This tea is great, it makes me want to bleed less in a metaphoric sense from my vagina. What do we call it"

"How about, now hear me out here, PMS Tea® "

(awkward silence)

"Wow, that's a great name, I can't wait until three days before my period."

"Damn it Steve, you don't have periods."

"Well, at least I don't pay for pain pills with pork chops"

(by the way, these pork chops WERE actually payment for pain pills, but I'm sworn to secrecy that it was NOT by anyone that I myself know personally............at all.......)

Someone must have thought to themselves, damn I better trademark this product. I don't want anyone to steal the name.
Look, If you feel like a b......bad person, don't drink tea, read witty remarks on the internet.

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Don said...

Oh this is f*cking funny. It puts me in a mood to find someone to bitch at while I'm holding my stomach and grimacing! Blah, blah, blah just leave me the f*ck alone!

wblmom said...

Oh my gosh, you guys are such rogues, yes I did use that witty word!
I am absolutely speechless and that is pretty rare, ask my husband. :)