Saturday, August 1, 2009

Into the Mind of Nothingness - Part 2


There are several things that come to mind when faced with utter boredom. Many people claim to be "random". They have not even a clue as to what that means. Just to say "I am random" first of all, doesn't really mean anything. Here's the definition of the word random from yourdictionary.com :

adjective

  1. lacking aim or method; purposeless; haphazard
So basically, these same people have an agenda and very direct path in life to tell you plainly, "I am purposeless". Although I can very honestly communicate with you that my thought patterns aren't really patterns and are very random (without purpose or method), just like getting your rocks off, there's a sweet release to be gotten whenever I share my ideas with the general populous.



Last night I was talking to a friend on the phone and I suddenly thought that, for the sake of evolution, people should be bred with little pockets of deodorant that grow on your armpits like pimples, then all you have to do is simply pop it and rub it in. Sure, the scientific results could prove to be poisonous to humans in the beginning stages, but you know what they say about making omelets.
After that half-hour conversation, I then thought it should be mandatory by law that cereal be sold together with a serving of milk (at least until the milk goes bad; then you could separate 'em). Not only that, but also it would come with a spoon at a perfect size and every portion is calculated by top scientists to make the milk/cereal ratio come out completely even every time. Your very last bite would consist of an even amount of both milk and cereal....as long as you're not a criminal and try to make it end up different. An attempt like that would make damn well sure according to the full extent of the law that you're stripped down naked and stapled to AstroTurf while senior citizens play miniature golf without their glasses around your body and you pray to God that they don't lose track of the ball. Old people get mad when roughage gets in the way of their shot.

Even though sometimes I think things would be easier if people would just do things because I just came up with them, not all of my ideas should be performed by children, pregnant woman, and midgets with heart conditions. For instance, I believe that the makers of Yo Gabba Gabba should send everyone who's forced to watch their program psychedelic mushrooms so that we can understand what the hell they tried to come up with.

All women should be required to join a gym and get breast augmentations at seventeen years of age (if they're naturally big, we could let it slide until they do). To be fair, all men should be required to have one wife and three mistresses.....yeah, that'll teach us. Greasy cheesburgers should come with a pair of prosthetic hands that will hold on to said burger as we hold on to them for the sole purpose of not having to wipe our greasy hands on our pants which results in our wives having to stop working out and wash our pants... That would be counter productive.

The hand could then be donated to local bands of gorillas to help scoop their poop and have cleaner, more efficiant launches at passers-by.



In the hopes to understand me better, remember that people aren't random. The phrase in general is about as annoying as the word "bromance". I'm sorry, but if you got romance going on with your brother, there's another word for that.

2 comments:

Sue said...

I would totally workout more if I didn't have so much laundry.
Now will the mistresses be required to bare the children or do we wives still have to do that?

Beau Horner said...

Sue - Children out of wedlock? Not while there are still jeans to wash. Maybe you should just do like I do and wear the same clothes for a few days at a time. Apparently, it also saves you from having to have a social life.