All I Got For Saturnalia was Christmas

Today is one of  about 5 days a year where everyone deems it necessary to make me wake up and do things. Looks great on paper I'm assuming, but even though I didn't get that memo, somehow I'm still responsible. Everywhere I go people are telling me to have a merry Christmas. I don't always find it imperitive to let them know that I don't celebrate pagan holidays because, well, they have no idea why of all things I don't take part in their ignorance.  Just getting my comic books last week took everything out of me answering a question from one of the guys working there. The internet isn't well known in the world of the baby boomer generation, so no one older than 40 is all that equipped to research fact from fiction. There are exceptions of course, but I make generalizations on my own web page because no one reads it.... and because it makes christians mad.

The idea of Santa Claus just confounds me. Of course any sane adult knows how fictional it is to think that one man could drink that much milk in one night, but just the concept of christians that supposedly live by faith to believe the invisible and spiritual actually think that it's alright to convince their child that someone like Santa Claus is real, then when the kids find out their infallible parents lied to them, they're still supposed to believe by the same parents' word that God is also real just kind of sickens me....that and the urban definition of space docking. How do the christians of the world even begin to wonder why most countries think they're idiots? They teach their kids to believe in God, Santa, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, The Boogey man, The Man on the Moon, Christopher Walken, the female orgasm, ghosts, aliens, and the myth that Halle Berry is actually black. How many of those things do you think are real?

I see 2.

Do you think for a minute your child will believe in something that you teach them when you lie to them about so much to begin with? If I was your kid I'd shoot you in the face with a bazooka that fires alligators, which is what I asked Santa Claus for, just to rub it in. 

If any of you old school christians that "learn" everything you think you know by what your uneducated pastor tells you, The facts about Christmas, Saturnalia, Brumalia, the Winter Solstice, and the simple fact that none of your pagan adopted holidays have anything at all to do with God, Jesus, or Bee Arthur are easily researched. Don't bother trying to argue with people that actually know how to check facts and do proper research just because your momma told you there were three wise men. You might as well start burning your children alive in Gehenna like a true pagan.

I just found a website you can begin with right here. I haven't read that much and it might not be completely accurate, but that's not really my responsibility is it? Maybe some people won't make me do all the work for them and spoon feed 'em like little baby birds this time.

Anyway, have yourself some nice pagan debauchery and christian drunk parties this year. I can't wait to hear your New Years resolutions. If anything they probably involve sending Christopher Walken a big apology letter.

 ...and Welcome Back Black Gandhi, it's been a while.

The Nothing Report on Dating Fails

Ever think about where your dream girl is hiding?

 Picture by: Me



Yeah.......and here I thought the internet was there so you could lie about your weight. Turns out you can be truthful about that, but lie about how much you eat. Two wrongs apparently make one hell of a catch in this case.

Do we even wonder why there's no photo?

A Chick Going Into Labor is Anything But Silent

I was at the local greasy spoon tonight pondering the existence of midi-chlorians as I usually do when an eerily familiar yet annoying sound wave crept into the holes in my head I like to call "head holes". What would you assume this little tidbit of musical enjoyment was?... None other than "Silent Night" by one of three thousand various singers that God himself naturally selected to perform in front of live patrons who just so happen to commonly consume "taters". I couldn't help but repeat to myself what could have possibly been running through the mind of this mystery shopper:

"You know, when I got out of bed today, I had the undying urge to take some of this hard earned money I got from working third shift at the gas station and just...throw it away. I thought long and hard about it for hours until a light bulb magically appeared above my head and suddenly, I had it! I think I'll go down to the most redneck establishment known to man and play Silent Night on the jukebox. What better way to please myself than to spend actual currency on a jukebox in a restaurant with a broken urinal and used food on the floor so other people can hear Silent Night just one more time."

Actually I was being generous. I did some rough math in my head and came to the conclusion that the complete thought probably went more like this:



"Hey y'all, check this sh*t out! I luuuuuv me some f*#%in' Jesus music!"

 True story.

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug...and Tile Cleaner!

I finally realized why I don't have a vote in the Senate....but I forgot. I also found a new use for tile cleaner.

Is it plausible that I still believe the best line in a movie hasn't been written yet? Would I even remotely know where to begin in creating this line? Is it in a comedy, a drama, a suspense mystery, scat porn, or documentary about the virgin Mary appearing in a chicken nugget? Would it be a run-on sentence or maybe even contain Olde English vernacular? Would it be originally written in braille by a blind trailer skank from South Africa? Would it even bother said writer if there actually are no trailers in South Africa and the word "skank" is constantly triggered by the spell checker? (Actually, I have no idea about the trailer thing, but I'll deny it up and down to your face, because I loves me some African eye patches. Of course they look like air filters for an Oldsmobile Delta 88, but who really cares, We're in Africa!)



Now, if you're wondering what the previous statements have to do with anything......good luck with that. I'm actually a little overdosed on coffee, which helps to amplify my mutant ability, and also makes me poop a tad loosely; but enough about my stool....unless you're into talking about people's private pile, in which case I would like to expound on that subject with more detail and substance (so to speak) at a later date when we have more time on our hands, because frankly it's gonna be a long conversation. So what if I like to talk about my poop? Does that make me less appropriate then say.....a proctologist? At least I talk about my own and not some guy's that I just stuck my fingers in to find his Broke Back Mountain decoder ring. Tell you the truth, if I had that job I'd probably, maybe nine times out of ten, choose typing over handwriting because I'd constantly be getting poop all over my yellow lined paper; you know, that stuff you had to write gigantic letters on in the second grade right after you figured out what boogers taste like. They taste pretty good, but not as good as paste.........and I just remembered why I don't have a vote in the Senate..........nope, I lost it.



Anyway, If there's anything I learned from watching Saturday morning cartoons, it's definitely that prostitutes don't usually like to watch Saturday morning cartoons with you. Ah, the memories... That's actually the first time I had to pay four women, a parking meter, and a pond full of koi fish to watch TV with me. One hell of a weekend. I wish I could remember what I did with that tile cleaner....well, the other half.


Still....that blind African just keeps mumbling on an endless loop about butterflies in the sky.....and....I can't get him to stop.

Meal or No Meal

The Holiday seasons always tries to catch me right as I'm trying to walk into the store....with a red apron and a bell. The Salvation Army (which is not an army, or even remotely interested in salvation, go figure) gives us on a yearly basis, the guilt trip of the century, which is almost as bad as maggots shooting up into your mouth from a nice fresh hunk of Casu Marzu. Here's my problem with the whole thing: If they're just standing outside taking handouts and then using the money for the homeless, then why the hell aren't they using their overhead to give the homeless an apron and a bell and drop them off right outside Wal-Mart? "Here we are! Best of luck to you." Would that not do the job? You could say, "If you give them the money, they'll just spend it on liquor or something." Are you kidding me? I spend it on liquor... and no one gives me handouts. I'd say that makes the score Bums = 1, Beau = 0. The problem is, The homeless are still homeless and the Salvation Army keeps expanding. So what if a 60-year-old veteran out on the off-ramp with a cardboard sign and twelve shirts on makes more money than I do? I say we just suit 'em up and see how it turns out. What's the worst that could happen? Now, people walking into Bed Bath & Beyond with the intention of purchasing a $450 waste basket (yes, they have those) get to meet the poor they're ignoring head on. I almost want to be homeless just so I can partake in the pandemonium.

I was just reading about how they call their peeps "clergy". Seriously? The Catholic church is the richest and most corrupt religion on the planet (oh yeah, and the sexy time with children thing) and the Salvation Army is using their terminology? So much for the church softball game. Believe me, I have no problem with a charitable organization, especially if there's no praying to statues or old, wrinkled penises in the niños, but it would be much easier to set up ways for the homeless to get their own hand-outs. I can't even count how many times I've been in my car with hardly any money on me, driving up the ramp to get to the house, with some lady pushing a shopping cart and staring me down like I'm a big meanie face for not emptying my wallet into the cart. Even better, get the homeless together on a giant truck and take them all to Deal or No Deal, let them each pick a case and they get to keep whatever they get......too bad every case will only have a $10 gift
card redeemable at Bed Bath & Beyond....... Howie, you're so sneaky..