Sunday, June 7, 2009

Dog and Baby DNA Just Won't Splice

Babies are babies, right? Pretty simple concept, really. They write on the walls with crayon and use their imposable thumbs to open cupboards so they can drink up all your delicious cleaning products. Even though this sounds like fun, I think there are things that we should discuss in a very "hush, hush" and intimate level with a low tone; like sleepy grandma low. I'll try not to notice that Mrs Puff blew up a condom on Spongebob just now. Hey, the kids like it. I don't approve advertising crotchless panties, but at least Spongebob makes kids believe you can start a fire underwater.

Anyway, before I get way off track, there are a lot of children that may have.....let's just say they don't apply themselves very well. Usually, I would blame some kind of conspiracy or David Hasselhoff, but in my case I blame accidental gene splicing.

I know what you're thinking, but I'm not drunk yet. Gene splicing I hear is very simple, you um............

Let me explain what I mean. Every morning, my daughter goes through a routine of eating the garbage followed by playing in the toilet followed by eating baby powder followed by holding her tounge out and shaking her head..........then she barks at me and chases the mailman down the block. I think someone came in to the hospital and accidentally spliced my daughter with a wiener dog... and by accidentally, I mean on purpose. I only say that because she looks like a dolphin on smack. Gene splicing should be performed by scientists and cartoon characters only, not the leprechauns that broke in when my wife was mid-coitus. The same laprechauns that spliced a sponge with Clay Aiken (see picture at top). Why would the little people do it, you may ask? Why wouldn't they? It's not like they have anything better to do.....being a leprechaun doesn't leave too many opportunities in the business world. (Their options are pretty much limited to the mall during Christmas season.) The only reason I could think of is when kids steal their lucky charms, they're too f*#%in' fast! Inter-species splicing will dumb them down so much, they won't even eat cereal let alone run away in the right direction.

So next time you notice your child running around in circles backwards, dumping out the garbage can for some good eats, or even has trouble standing up in the car.......remember the leprechauns. I know it seems a little outlandish, but if we all recall, some guy got a tattoo of a dolphin in a recliner smoking a bong. Seriously, it's on this page.


Nooter said...

who is Gene and how did he come apart in the first place?

Sue said...

Jesus Christ! Where do I start to comment with this post? I'm just going to pretend I didn't read it. I have a headache now.

I want some of the drugs you're taking Beau.

Beau Horner said...

Nooter - ....Uh, Simmons. Gene Simmons... How do you think they got his tongue that way? Top notch Leprechauns had to impregnate a sperm whale with a human embryo. Unfortunately the child only inherited the tongue......and the whole spitting fire thing.

Sue - I get all my drugs from a dolphin. I take something completely different for a headache, though. Side effects include: Kids, smoking, and a desire to raid the fridge.

Candice said...

This totally explains my kids behavior.


Beau Horner said...

Candice - Glad to help!