Saturday, June 13, 2009

Rapist Killer Toy Story


If you don't know this about me already, I'm a toy collector. I have been since I was about 13 years old in Nazi Germany, just before the fake Moon landing. I'm one of those guys that has to say, "Hey.......it's an Action Figure!"; but the best part about it is my never-ending quest to drive every figure absolutely nuts. I know what you're thinking, but I don't whisper in their ears or switch the mustard with the Ketchup, nothing like that. Instead, I just leave them in the box for 17 years.

Last night we watched Puppet Master (<-- full movie!!) on AMC and my wife is scared s#*tless of that movie, not to mention I have a full-size Blade Figure upstairs. She says, "he's got a knife for a hand, he can get out of that box if he wanted to." I said, "what box?", even though it really is in the package. If it wasn't, I'd be posing it on the kitchen counter or in the bathroom, just so I can sit back and watch the hi jinx. Even if Blade came to life and just so happened to desire every living thing in the house dead, he'd obviously be trying to break free from his plastic and cardboard prison, which hasn't happened yet, plus he'd have to deal with about 300 Batman figures also struggling for freedom and Batman can get out of anything. Watch out Xerxes...

So, we started discussing what if a toy actually had a consciousness. First of all, Would it have moral issues? Even if murder was totally allowed in its repertoire of happy toy fun time with Kung Fu grip, Would it be compulsive about variety, like in the movies, or would it be obsessive about having to do it the same way, every time...you know, for good luck? Would toys even care about pleasing its owner, or would it try to purposefully displease its owner out of spite for being human. Besides, would it even want to be human if it had the choice?

Maybe it would want to be a fairy or a bird or something stupid like that. What if it was a fairy toy specifically and it was originally male and wants to kill itself repeatedly, but can't do it because of it's moral standing. I know I could...

So I guess in the quest for driving your toys batty, you might just do it to yourself in the process. I'm just glad the really big toys aren't gay rapists and anatomically correct with superhuman strength. I'd have to pull 'em off my wife so much I wouldn't have time to rape her myself.


The worst part is people's imaginations not even doing the math on a toys appearance. If you painted extra eyes on their kneecaps, could they see better or would they just have paint on them? What about balls? I mean, you can't paint on balls..... you could maybe mold a little toy bulge or something..... but could a toy rapist get blue ball if all it could accomplish was dry humping your old Teddy Ruxspin into submission without full release? One day, I want to see an enclosed room full of gay murdering rapist toys, killing, raping, and giving unwanted birth to other toys, filing for unemployment and welfare, attending a community college and talking under their breath about the trailer toys down the road...You know, the one's missing limbs and teeth that sell toy crack downtown?


Either way, if you're not crazy yet, eb lliw uoy....Enjoy the ride.

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6 comments:

weirsdo said...

A couple of our LORD OF THE RINGS orc toys have changed gender, and one of the females has married a male.
We also had a drug dealing Ken.

rohini said...

innovative!! very very crazy post!! keep it up!

rohini said...

innovative!! very very crazy post!! keep it up!

Beau Horner said...

Thanks, thanks. Ok, ok

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

My guess, and it's just a guess really, is that once GI Joe discovered his Kung Fu grip, he'd never WANT to leave the box.

Beau Horner said...

That's probably why they always used code names.

"I'm gonna Avalanche this Roadblock and give my Cobra Snake Eyes."