A Nothing Report Michael Jackson Special

I think it's about time I wrote something about Michael Jackson. He's now getting twice as much media than he ever would have touching little boys in the no-no's. I'd say any media is good media, right? Maybe I should go nuts and build a theme park filled with monkeys and wear a surgical mask at the courtroom in my pajamas and sheets over my kids and then just....die. That would bring all the compliments out of the woodwork, wouldn't it? I mean dead people get to hear all of these nicey nice things too; you just have to yell extra loud to get through that air-tight box.


All I've heard in the media is about respect this, respect that. People have nothing but respect for the dead. What happened to respect for the living? Where were all of these compliments and tributes and respect when the man was alive? I guess making fun of someone for decades becomes inappropriate once the human punching bag in question is no longer able to hear your ridicule. I mean, come on! This guy had his own category for jokes! Here are a few of the Michal Jackson jokes we all have been telling our friends for years and years. Let's see if they're still funny: (lots more here)


"When is it bedtime in Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand is on the little hand."


"How do you know when Michael Jackson has been cheating?
There's another big-wheel parked in the driveway."


"Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
"Don't let your son go down on me."


"What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
Little Boy Blew."


"What's Michael Jackson's favorite rock song?
Sweet Child O' Mine."


"What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common?
Both get turned on by kids."


"How many times does 12 go into 35?
Ask Michael Jackson."


"What's 6 + 46 + 5?
A threesome with Michael Jackson."


See, we even learn math in the name of sodomy. There are virtually hundreds more jokes about our beloved albino skeleton of pop.; but there are even more unanswered questions. First of all, I want to know the names of all the parents that received hefty sums of money in exchange for their little tyke's butt hole. Then, I want to see all of his past noses. There might be enough in a drawer somewhere to help an entire civilization breathe easy. After that, I want to see a sex tape surface somewhere. Look, even that chick from Survivor had one. Only, I think MJ's sex tape would probably be illegal to watch.


Look, I remember Thriller, The Jackson 5, and all the other good stuff he's known for (yeah, I named one song and an entire band); but people don't realize that the living would much rather hear all of your kissing up than the dead. I haven't seen a dead guy get his ass kissed so much since Vampire in Brooklyn.

Are you telling me that a guy that holds his face together with tape isn't funny?


Oh well, I guess a sense of humor is offensive now that this nut- excuse me, iconic role model is gone. I think he made out better this way, with being praised now rather than being the butt of every child molestation joke. I didn't even think child molestation was funny until Michael Jackson came along; so let me just say:



Thank you Michael Jackson, for all you've done in the name of child molestation humor, with or without tape on your face. You will be remembered.