Bad Names and Bacon Tacos

I finally went and saw Drag Me to Hell. Long story short, it wasn't bad, but it was a one-trick pony. If you see it once, you'll get tired of watching an old gypsy die and vomit, slobber and yank hair enough that the story won't matter much after that. The last time an old woman without teeth got down on her knees in front of me, I definitely wasn't at a bank. I do have to say, however, I stand corrected on the review of the movie. I did enjoy it and it made me suddenly crave a stapler and a set of false teeth like never before.







Have you ever heard of Toot and Puddle? Here's a picture:



Toot and Puddle are the names of these two delicious strips of bacon right here. Can you think of a cuter, more cuddly way to say "piss pool and fart"? I mean, no loving swine mother would name her child anything outlandish, like Corkscrew Penis or Pig F#@*er. Too bad my mother wasn't a pig or I wouldn't have gotten the name "Jesus Christ, is That Even Human?!?". I would rather not have gotten a name that was also a question, but on a positive note my middle name isn't quite as long; I think it's Asian.







The other day I had the best idea for a new invention, but was quickly shot down into a realm of displeasure and shame. This is how it went down pretty much word for word:



Me: "Honey, you know how you start to eat a taco and half of it falls out before you even get it to your mouth?"



Nola: "Yeah?" (<--- insert upward inflection here)



Me: "I think I'm going to invent the 'No-Spill' taco."



Nola: "That's a burrito."



Me: "........................................ shut up."




If it wasn't for burritos, I'd be rolling in cash right now.............. stupid Mexicans. I mean, I could always just staple a taco shut...