Monday, February 23, 2009

How Not to Take Over the World

Apparently, I've slipped up and made it known about my master plan to take over the world using three and a half billion chickens. Of course the plan also required four hundred thousand drums of tar and I'm not about to divulge that information any time soon. So, for the duration of this adventure, I will happily share my failed attempts at taking over the world. You of course, are more than invited to try your luck at these potential global domination techniques, but beware; by no means did you hear it from me.

List of World Domination Plans Gone Awry:

1. Become a world renown cocaine dealer, then cut the stashes with Bisquick and rule the drug world via buttermilk expansion.

2. Blow up all fish camps and Waffle Houses to starve the South into obedience. Then, use my "Hick Army" to shop only at Wal-Mart, at which time I will have 51% ownership.

3. Hire top scientists to create a drug that triggers PMS in pro-choice lesbians, have said drug laced in Birkenstock shoes for skin absorption, then sit back and watch the hijinx. Next, I will sponsor the next Lilith Fair and give the orders to kidnap all male world leaders.

4. Collect all of America's pennies using extremely poor immigrants and proceed to drop them one by one from the Empire State building. I shall then state my demands.

5. Invent PETA.
note: this plan is apparently under way and is strangely affective. People are dumber than I thought.

6. Convince Bill Gates that Dog the Bounty Hunter is after him. Once Gates flees for Mexico, change his Myspace password and send Christine Dolce a naughty email.
note: plan not intended for world domination...but it sounds like fun.

7. Carry out plan #6, but with Denise Richards instead.

8. Star in the most famous rock band in the world, then buy all remaining XBox 360's and Playstation 3's to eliminate the competition.

9. Invent Scientology.

10. Become a high-level World of Warcraft spellcaster, then proceed with next plan for world domination.

11. Pitch an idea for a character to Seth McFarland. Let him come up with ideas for me, then map out blueprints for the most successful one.

12. Pay Tony Danza ten dollars to interrupt a presidential broadcast and confuse middle America with non-consenant sounding rhetoric while I electronically send subliminal messages to children through Lite-Brights and take over the world by controlling the next generation.

Most of these seemed like good ideas at the time, but go figure..... At least I still have my chickens.

By the way, does anyone have any ranch dressing?


Anonymous said...

holy crap! The peta thing has almost worked. I hear they've renamed fish "kittens of the sea"

Always Home and Uncool said...

I didn't need to read further than "buttermilk expansion" to know I need to bow down to our new leader.