The Planet Deserves My Food

I've recently had the idea to yet again confuse and most likely piss off America by opening restaurants all over the US with names that have nothing to do with what's served inside. My first triumphant accomplishment will be a simple Italian Restaurant that serves only salt water taffy, called "Pablo". When that gets people talking, I'm immediately going to open up another one right next door called "Pizza", but this one's going to be extra special. It'll be a huge establishment with no windows. The entire place will be covered with small tables, two chairs each, and one lit candle for ambiance. Right in the middle will be one guy with a snow cone machine. The kicker is that he's blind and he has one arm.

Exactly one month later, I'm going to take the five dollars profit from each new place and start a fast-food chain called "Slow Cooked"; but it will be exclusively take-out orders only, for large parties only, and All we have is melted ice cream and plastic forks. Will I stop there? Not quite.

I figure next I'd appeal to the gay community by serving fudge covered tacos, but the confusion will be completely in the name of this underground bar and grill....."Southern Baptist Buffet".

With all of the love I'll receive from my patrons, I don't think I'll have time to spend that five dollars.