Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Watchmen Review About Nothing

I went with my father-in-law to see this movie (and in case you have Alzheimer's and forgot the title of this review it was called Watchmen) , which I've been anticipating since I saw the trailer. I know I'm supposed to say something like "spoiler alert", but instead I'm gonna say, "I'm telling you what this damn movie is about".

To be completely honest, this movie didn't affect me one way or another. I would have been content not seeing it at all. First of all, you figure out before hand, if you're not a complete idiot, that you're going to be sitting there in your seat for almost three hours, so if you're not entertained by the movie, you might end up stabbing someone next to you so you can see some action. The movie content is based on a 12 issue comic series from the late 80's, so don't be surprised if Madonna and Punky Brewster show up somewhere before the credits congratulate you for not falling asleep during this oh so exciting and invigorating movie event.

It starts out with the Comedian getting the funny bone kicked out of him, thrown out the window, and getting his have a nice day pin all messy wessy. Everyone talks about how they're scared of nuclear war for about an hour. (By the way, this movie is about 80% dialog.) You get a little back story on the Comedian (he happily kills pregnant women who carry his babies, he likes to rape his teammates; but not Mr. Blue Wang with Kung Fu grip, and he'll gladly shoot tear gas straight into a dude's nut sack during a riot scene), then people talk to each other for another hour and a half. Some things happen, Blue Wang talks about his origin in some chamber with things happening.....more people talking for two more hours.....The Silk Spectre apparently doesn't like threesomes....more people talking. The only entertaining character in the whole movie is Rorschach, a guy who fights crime even though he's an outlaw. He's also got a mask that can't make up its damn mind.

Then, you'll never guess what happens next! Some people talk about stuff...for about another two hours. Eventually you find out that the gay guy that can make all of them his bitches, decides he's going to replicate Blue Wang's Powers to create a nuclear explosion-sized "oh sh*t ball" in the middle of New York City so that the World powers will start holding each others' hands in the hopes of defeating their new common enemy (Mr. Smurf Shlong) and for some dutch rudders. So Queer Eye Guy and Indigo Winky decide it's best for millions of people to die so that nukes don't go off and kill all of the White Castles and Olive Gardens that we love so much. Most of the good guys go, "eh.....", credits.

For the most part it was boring and drawn out for details we wouldn't care about, leaving us with questions about things we would have cared about. Should you see this movie? I'd say, yeah.... See it, but don't pay money. From what I understand, the economy would rather you buy a mattress and sleep for three hours.


Shieldmaiden96 said...

Thanks for reaffirming my decision to walk out an hour and a half before it was over, full frontal blue dong notwithstanding.

Phaedra said...

DVD....Mst3000 style! I'll bring the popcorn.