Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Scrambled Babies and Brake Pads

My buddy Charles Jones is supposed to be at some comedy club tonight and I'm supposed to show up eventually, when the Germans leave my house and untie me from this chair. Which reminds me, cigarette burns hurt......a lot. He wanted me to come up with a bit, but seeing as how extremely lazy I am, I came up with one joke and it had something to do with babies and brake pads. I guess I'll have to do it next week.

Have you ever noticed how science hates scrambled eggs? Every time eggs are cooked, people run around frantically in flames trying to hurry up and eat them before they cool down. Eggs get cold faster than Mel Gibson gets to watch half a million float away in divorce costs. I can't remember how many times I've cooked eggs, went to the bathroom, came back and found Anne Coulter taking them out of her vagina......now that's cold. The only thing that gets colder faster is McDonald's french fries......and the next time I cook eggs, I'm sliding them straight from the pan to my mouth. That'll teach you, you freaky chickens! I will use your children to nourish my stomach and grease my stool!

Enough about eggs. The next time I have anything to do with eggs, I'll be smearing yolks all over my body and reading Lord of the flies by candlelight. It's a work in progress idea, but I'm pretty solid on this.


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