Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You & the Cap'n Just Made Social Security

Let me tell you about a friend of mine that cuts the roof of your mouth. It's not on purpose, but it's hard to make tasty cereal without using the ever classic, sharp-cornered pillow shape it seems. I'm talking about none other than the "makin' it happen" Cap'n himself, Cap'n Crunch. This guy is so old, he had a raspy voice in 1963. Well, him and Joe Camel.

I don't believe he's really a boat captain. do you see anyone else on this ship besides a kindergarten field trip? Does this guy even have an education? What does he have to fall back on when the children find out he's really just Dave Thomas wearing shoulder fringe? At least the quaker oats guy sold real estate. (Too inside?)

"Follow your nose all over this here mirror."
Am I really supposed to believe that there's anything happening other than bingo on this cruise? It's like the Love Boat without the love....and in it's place....some old guy without a crew, boring the crap out of children with bloody gums. The closest this ship ever gets to adventure and excitement is replacing his heart medication with crunch berries. swabbing the deck is just another term for shuffleboard. Come on, there's nothing short of failed attempts at the Cap'n killing himself via hyperventalation through a giant hat with a "C" on it. He'd have better luck trying to overdose on coke by helping his buddy Toucan Sam follow his nose. I mean, he doesn't have much to live for these days. Do you have any idea how disappointing it's got to be when you're so old you can barely gum your way through applesauce and your last name is Crunch?

Let's not forget that bastard of a cereal doesn't help at all. Ninjas make throwing stars out of that stuff. This old-timey freak slowly kills you through Anemia. The last time I checked, those ships had cannons; but no, this guy gets his revenge though breakfast. So, remember the next time you're eating this fan favorite, let it get soggy, or the Cap'n just might make it happen all over the inside of your mouth. He'll trade walking the plank for minor inconveniences any day.

Have you ever seen Galactic Crunch? Apparently, a sea captain went to space. Yeah, sure grandpa, you went to space...Did you remember to eat your crunch ber.....take your pills today?


KRB said...

Geez - what side of the deck did you wake up on? Personally, I enjoyed the coke snortin Toucan Sam line - but maybe that's just me. ; P

LOBO said...

Instead of waterboarding terrorists, we should Cap 'N Crunchboard them.

Mwah-ha-ha! [*twisting the end of my mustache*]

Jen said...

I ate some Peanut Butter Crunch this past weekend, the round stuff since I can't handle the original anymore, my mouth is still all cut up. It's dangerous stuff I tell you.

Shawn said...

Yeah, the Peanut Butter Crunch is the worst of the three (four, counting Galactic Crunch, which I'd never heard of until now) when it comes to shredding your mouth to ribbons.'s so delicious.

Alex L said...

Maybe the 'c' doesn't stand for captain... theres other things that start with 'c'... like... oh, well lets just keep calling him captain.

Expat From Hell said...

Been sailing with the Captain since I was a kid. Look how we all turned out! Great post. I sailed by unexpectedly and got this.... I will be back again on the Galactic Good Ship.


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