Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You & the Cap'n Just Made Social Security

Let me tell you about a friend of mine that cuts the roof of your mouth. It's not on purpose, but it's hard to make tasty cereal without using the ever classic, sharp-cornered pillow shape it seems. I'm talking about none other than the "makin' it happen" Cap'n himself, Cap'n Crunch. This guy is so old, he had a raspy voice in 1963. Well, him and Joe Camel.

I don't believe he's really a boat captain. do you see anyone else on this ship besides a kindergarten field trip? Does this guy even have an education? What does he have to fall back on when the children find out he's really just Dave Thomas wearing shoulder fringe? At least the quaker oats guy sold real estate. (Too inside?)

"Follow your nose all over this here mirror."
Am I really supposed to believe that there's anything happening other than bingo on this cruise? It's like the Love Boat without the love....and in it's place....some old guy without a crew, boring the crap out of children with bloody gums. The closest this ship ever gets to adventure and excitement is replacing his heart medication with crunch berries. swabbing the deck is just another term for shuffleboard. Come on, there's nothing short of failed attempts at the Cap'n killing himself via hyperventalation through a giant hat with a "C" on it. He'd have better luck trying to overdose on coke by helping his buddy Toucan Sam follow his nose. I mean, he doesn't have much to live for these days. Do you have any idea how disappointing it's got to be when you're so old you can barely gum your way through applesauce and your last name is Crunch?

Let's not forget that bastard of a cereal doesn't help at all. Ninjas make throwing stars out of that stuff. This old-timey freak slowly kills you through Anemia. The last time I checked, those ships had cannons; but no, this guy gets his revenge though breakfast. So, remember the next time you're eating this fan favorite, let it get soggy, or the Cap'n just might make it happen all over the inside of your mouth. He'll trade walking the plank for minor inconveniences any day.

Have you ever seen Galactic Crunch? Apparently, a sea captain went to space. Yeah, sure grandpa, you went to space...Did you remember to eat your crunch ber.....take your pills today?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Isle 12 Keeps Your Insurance Deflowering You

In the midst of this economy taking a back seat to watch the hi jinx, nothing pisses me off more than biting into a popsicle and finding the stick. Why on Earth would anyone jam wood inside of their food so they can hold onto it better? Oddly enough, I have the same problem with corn dogs, chocolate covered bananas, marshmallows, and cats. There's nothing more annoying than eating something and finding a piece of a tree inside your food. So now, you're not just eating your popsicle, you've just adopted steps into the enjoyment of your frozen treat. First you bite down until your teeth say, Oh God, what the hell is this?!?", and then you have to work your way around this new found obstruction in the road of satiation by "picking a side". Some of you might be thinking, what does this have to do with me? By all means it has everything to do with you.

Doctors all over the world are trying to give you a check-up. This is one reason why insurance is so high. Of course they can't prove that you're currently eating Popsicle, but they can track how many have been purchased from the stores. All we need is a boycott on popsicles everywhere and maybe just like trying to find an alternate source of fuel in automobiles, high-paid scientists can discover something other than a damn stick to put inside a popsicle. Why not use something like licorice or those little crappy candy sticks lying all over the floor at Cracker Barrel? There's enough of those to satisfy every single senior citizen the world over.

Just remember the next time you bite into a cold, refreshing popsicle on a hot day to quench your craving for frozen respite......There's an agenda at work.
Somebody should tell the writers on Scrubs.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Camping is For People without Ceilings

Let's have a show of hands....Who likes camping? I coudn't tell you how many people I've seen tell me that this is one thing they really enjoy. Just think of all the wondrous things you can see and experience with this "old fashioned" outdoor meet-and-greet with mother nature's finest. The first thing you have to remember when preparing for this 5-star experience is to pack a suitcase just in case the washer-dryer combo awaiting your arrival is magically transformed into a stream followed by wind. You can never pack enough clothes of the bright, neon orange persuasion. Hunters, however aren't the only things to worry about. You have to make sure you brought enough protection against the forces of the animal kingdom, such as: mosquitoes, ticks, spiders, snakes, beavers, badgers, squirrels, chipmunks, bears, sharks, dragons, clowns, and Eric Rudolf's love child.

Even though preparation is the most important thing when going camping, he best part is remembering that you're pretending to be poor. going out into the woods should be a pleasurable undertaking, but if sleeping inside a giant mitten underneath an umbrella with a zipper isn't your thing, you could build a fire and burn snack food with a stick. Sounds like paradise.

The only hang-up I have about all of the wonderful things that camping entails is the fact that you have no F%#*ING CEILING!! I pay for one of those, why in the hell would I want to leave it behind to sleep outside? Do you have any idea how well those "water resistant" tents work? It rains for five minutes and you wake up thinking you bladder just played a prank on you. People with motor homes? Don't get me started. Leaving your hometown to sleep in your house somewhere else is like saying, "can I ask you a question?" I hope we learned something today. People used to "camp" out of necessity, now they do it for fun. What's next, hunting?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Service Monkeys Don't Pay Taxes

The best things in life are definitely free......Let's see, we have air, cobwebs, death, a kindergarten level education.........I'm really not seeing the advantage here. Are people really this greedy? Does sin tax really mean, "this was the last word we could think of to tax you for besides, 'boobies' "? in all of the confusion and taxes I can't understand how people get the money they actually get. Now, imagine this: you work a minimum wage job and the good ol' government takes about a third of your paycheck right off the top. You then take that money and proceed buying things you could do without, like that french maid outfit you just bought at Spencer's Gifts, and then you pay a percentage of sales tax. So, anything you buy, besides "service monkeys"(because I think they're tax deductible) gets another 7% or so tax depending on where you live. Going down the line, we have a third of your money and then 7% of what's left.

Here's where it gets interesting for you and confusing to the rest of the population that hurts from reading this blog. When you purchase something, that money is taxed out the ass by the government from whomever is making that money, distributed for various costs such as, let's say payroll to employees, and the rest usually goes into the pockets of one guy that has way too many french maid outfits and a jet who's fuel laughs at your poverty. Now, all of that payroll money that you, the consumer already paid every kind of tax imaginable on, will now be taxed yet again for still every tax imaginable. The only difference is that someone else is paying it. Honestly, other than charity or feeding Sally Struthers, any time money changes hands, the mafia......I mean government gets their cut. Personally, I don't see how someone could just walk up and hand me a dollar and a crack in the ground opens up to reveal a firey pit with 3-piece hands scammering to collect 43 cents of my supposed earnings. You people figure it out yourselves while I go kill myself slowly and untaxably.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

"Full Figured" Means Never Having to Say You're Lying

In the hilarity of this afternoon, I'm just morally and obsessively obligated to share with you some of the most awkward and down right weird experiences in my online adventures as of late. First off, I have a question that most of you would find prejudice, but I assure you...........I know that. Why is it that whenever a woman describes herself as "full figured", the figure is always round? I can't believe that this option for self description is actually available to people who are afraid to come out and tell you they're fat. It's not that hard; just say, "hey......I'm fat." Some people have preferences against being intimate with lots of extra flesh just roaming around. Sure, you might feel bad about it, but you don't have to be misleading. There are plenty of men in the world that love them some 'fatty-bo-batties'; you should really try that route.

My other wonder and amazement comes from a picture I found on this site I've already covered in a previous post, but to my surprise, I can't figure out what the hell it's all about. In one half of my mind, I think that this is obviously a guy dressed up as a woman (very poorly I might add), but the other half of me thinks that according to the profile, it really is a girl and she's got a very tough life ahead of her........

I don't know, I was thinking of Norm from Cheers when I saw this...

But yeah, you can see my confusion. Is this a clearly obvious prank, or is this the real deal Holyfield? You decide, because this picture makes my brain hurt. I haven't seen too many chicks with a five o' clock shadow, but at least it's not as weird as the other fat woman today that instant messaged me that felt as comfortable as Lambchop in the Land of Make-Believe to start a conversation about her fibromyalgia and "service monkeys".

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Scrambled Babies and Brake Pads

My buddy Charles Jones is supposed to be at some comedy club tonight and I'm supposed to show up eventually, when the Germans leave my house and untie me from this chair. Which reminds me, cigarette burns hurt......a lot. He wanted me to come up with a bit, but seeing as how extremely lazy I am, I came up with one joke and it had something to do with babies and brake pads. I guess I'll have to do it next week.

Have you ever noticed how science hates scrambled eggs? Every time eggs are cooked, people run around frantically in flames trying to hurry up and eat them before they cool down. Eggs get cold faster than Mel Gibson gets to watch half a million float away in divorce costs. I can't remember how many times I've cooked eggs, went to the bathroom, came back and found Anne Coulter taking them out of her that's cold. The only thing that gets colder faster is McDonald's french fries......and the next time I cook eggs, I'm sliding them straight from the pan to my mouth. That'll teach you, you freaky chickens! I will use your children to nourish my stomach and grease my stool!

Enough about eggs. The next time I have anything to do with eggs, I'll be smearing yolks all over my body and reading Lord of the flies by candlelight. It's a work in progress idea, but I'm pretty solid on this.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Into The Mind of Nothingness - Part 1

Sometimes being me requires some level of concentration. While it might be completely impossible for anyone to be able to pull it off with as much of a loose grip on reality as I have, I assure you that no one has yet even tried.........or asked........So here I am to explain where my mind gets its ideas and to spark no one's interest, because, well, no one was interested.

Anyway, coffee works wonders on the brain. It allows you to uncontrollably shake and convulse with the grace of Michal J. Fox and keeps you awake to feel every minute of it. You stay up late, wake up early, start your day off with more coffee than Juan Valdez would spit into your cup before actually handing it to you, and with any luck you'll survive long enough to repeat the same process tomorrow.

Putting your foot in your mouth also is utterly detrimental to this endeavor. First off, you have to say anything and everything just to get a reaction from people without trying to get a specific reaction. This is all for the good of science......and boredom. Sometimes, this is the most important step in finding worth while people that understand your nonsensical demeanor. Most things I say are solely for a laugh which can't be taken to heart and I stress this part even though I still call it putting my foot in my mouth. I would have called it putting my ass in my face, but I think The Tick beat me to it.

having an attention deficit rarely helps, but it adds to the mass confusion and hysteria. Imagine that everything you think of makes you think of something else, kind of like Einstein's theory, but with a lot more bright colors and flavors........and marshmallows. But these thoughts aren't lingering, you think about it just long enough to get an image in your skull, then it's blown out of proportion and runs through a crazy straw called the brain stem, straight into the pelvic region, where all thoughts actually originate. I just use it to pee too.

I hope this first part of this Twelve-step program gives you some insight on what my brain is like and how it functions on a daily basis and how it functions on a daily basis and how it............. So give it a shot, try to think like me. It might kill you, but what doesn't kill you makes you vomit in your mouth a little.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Threesomes & 3 S'Mores

Today, I was given the idea for this blog by my wife's new "special" friend. Not the kind that involves wearing a football helmet to school and licking the windows, but special nonetheless. The subject at hand, so to speak is about threesomes. I brought up my concerns about this because I'm a firm believer that no straight man would ever turn down a threesome with two women. I don't care what a guy tells you, he's lying; he's lying out of his perverted underoos. Now here's where it gets interesting. How many bisexual women would turn down a threesome with a man and woman? Somewhere in the ball park of millions and millions........and hundreds. Do you have any idea how many men get turned down for sex with even ONE person.......AND don't like S'mores? an invitation for sex by any woman would make not only us straight men put a dent in the underside of the table in front of us, it would make the universe as we know it collapse and implode......God would say, "WTF?!?!" The time space continueum would reverse the aging affect of Joan Rivers and speed up said affect with Dick Clark.

Women, on the other hand, can for the most part get sex just about whenever they please. Let's take the hump-back whales out of the equation, it's not good for the environment. If a woman walks up to a guy, propositions him for some happy action fun time, and he's either not gay or an idiot, they're both gonna get some and no one has to think about what they're first date/interview is going to cost in either self respect or cold, hard cash.

Anyway, it's an intrigueing subject to talk about, especially when everybody's drunk and you have about nine condoms to spare. So, if you're a woman and you don't mind sleeping with other women, start having some threesomes and don't be hatin'.........You never know, you might get an omelet in the morning.

Just don't get your wings caught in anything.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Another Day, Another Dollar, Another Lesbian Shows Her Ass

I just not too long ago got myself a new account on a "dating" site called OkCupid. It's actually not a bad online community, if you loooooooove a nice, big sausage fest every once in a while. The men outnumber the women on this site about 20-1, and not only are some of the women rather cocky and virtually bored with the overpopulated testosterone, apparently the personal issues lash out like Tom cruise at a water gun. I strongly encourage you to take a look at this site if you're single or have unicorn syndrome, it's absolutely free and if you're a guy, you automatically have the privilage of being blocked, ignored, and insulted at any random woman's leisure.

But this is clearly not the only reason why I want you to check out this site, is it? Hell no...........I want to introduce you to the original inspiration of this blog that I give to you, also free of charge. I received the pleasure of being introduced to yet another period exploding over the internet while browsing profiles and landing on one I thought slightly amusing, but harmless nonetheless. I was planning on giving you the actual user name, but I'd rather not give this Lisa Loeb wannabe, borderline feminist free advertising, but I will fill you in on what I found so entertaining.

Now, on this site, the profiles are separated by headers like, Self Summary and Six Things I Could Never Do Without. So I browsed this Sucubi's life story and under the "My favorite music/movie etc..." section, I found so many names of bands, it was almost like looking at Pamela Anderson's black book. I don't know anyone that has enough time on their hands to give that much music attention, let alone keep up a persona that could suck the life out of any man that questioned said appetite for destruction of a human soul.
This wasn't the funny part.
Directly underneath this section was another called "I Spend A lot of Time Thinking About" and she simply said "what the future brings". ARE you kidding me?! Seven thousand band names and THAT'S what's on your mind?!?!
So I do what I always do, I sent this Lilith Fair atendee a message about how her profile amused me. I wasn't offensive at all; actually, I thought she would have seen the connection and got the joke, but apparently, brooding lesbians take offense at everything. I got a beautiful message back regarding my wife, my child, and that my life is apparently going nowhere......and I just found out that watching cartoons isn't productive. Imagine that.

I didn't reply back with anything mean; she's obviously suffering from that sand in her vagina......and all of those butch truckers. Honestly, I have a great life. I have a wonderful wife, the most beatiful child that you can purchase on the black market, and I use my free time to educate myself with quantum physics, stylish Italian dishes, and porn. What more could anyone want?

The absolute, most hilarious thing I noticed about this profile was with the journal post feature. Now get this..... Chick posted a three-part novel entitled "A Little More About Me". Let me emphasize the phrase "little" because I got Carpal Tunnel twice from scrolling down; I thought I was reading the Neverending Story. The content, however, was far, far from funny, but that's a different story all together....

Maybe one for Dr. Phil.