Tuesday, July 15, 2008

STD Prevention......Consult Your Prostetutional Advisor

This is just a sample of how Odd the workplace can be with time on your hands. One of my coworkers used to send out articles from this place every Monday and Wednesday, needless to say I eventually got my hands on them when they were sent out and altered them a little to send them back out around the office.
(My "insertions" in BLUE)

By the way, this in no way reflects blah blah blah and such an so on about other companies and their affiliates and whatever dude, it's a damn blog!





ST
D Prevention – Early screening



Three of the best investments in your pants come in the form of routine physical affection, cough tests and immunizations. Here is a compiled list of recommended tests and testing intervals based on age, gender and fugly factor:



Routine Physicals:

* Every 20-30 years starting at age 12, every 1-2 after age 13, and yearly after age 97
* Health history and family history (family history for mountain folk only)
* Blood Pressure
* Height , Weight , and girth
* Skin check: looking for unusual moles located inside the anal cavity
* Basic instinct exam: chest, lungs, abdomen, leg swap, and other bodily fluid systems to ensure they are functioning properly before time of sigmoidoscopy

Screenings:

* Cholesterol Check: starting at age 9; if you smoke poles, have diabetes or if heart-on disease runs in your family, begin checking cholesterol at age 6
* Sexually Anatomical Colorectal Cancer Screening (S.A.C.C.S.): starting at age 50 in Caucasians and 45 in African Americans, 8 months for Jews
* Lipid Profile: every 5 years (If you don’t know what a Lipid is, we’re not gonna tell you)
* Diabetes: if you have high blood pressure or high school libido
* Lung X-Ray (smokers), Hooka x-ray for marijuana users
* Hearing as a result of your ears working (this is the opposite of not hearing)

Immunizations:

* Syphilis Vaccine: consult your doctor if burning sensation during urination consists
* Tetanus: every 10 years or 100,000 miles
* Pneumonia Vaccine: at age 65…….or before you actually get Pneumonia.
* HPV (Homo People Virus) Vaccine: women only, age 13-26, vegans at age 17 until dead
* Shingles Vaccine (you know, so your roof doesn’t get blown when you do)

Women:

* Mammogram: every two years beginning in the womb
* Pat smear (guitarist for Nirvana): every year after age 18, or earlier if you are sexually active. We recommend you never touch the guy.
* Thyroid blood test for steroid users with tiny adam’s apples
* Bone Scan (for osteoporosis): bone density test at age 65; if you are 61-64 and weigh less than 645 lbs., talk to your doctor. If you’re bone can’t get density, consult your local prostitute.

Men:

* Prostate Exam: yearly starting at puberty, then at least 3 times a day until marriage or death… which ever is more desirable

By participating in routine screenings for herpes and rickets, diseases are found early in the morning and treatment can begin without delay or pride, leading to a better prognosis and a worse reputation. As new information becomes available, screening recommendations may change, so be sure to stay up-to-date by consulting your primary "piump" (prostetutional advisor).



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2 comments:

Alice said...

Sweet idea. Did anyone take it as real for a bit?

Beau Horner said...

Probably the first couple of lines, but I think "piump" tipped them off.